It Is Too Painful
I have reluctant bulimia... but don't worry.. I plan on kicking the habit as soon as my stomach stops pretending that it is on a rollercoaster ride from hell. I've lost over 10 pounds in the last 12 hours... I don't see how bulimics can do it.. it really must be some sort of screwed up in the head thing.. even worse than I am.. because I could never develop it as a lifestyle.. The thought that more is coming up is enough to send my mind racing ...trying to think of anything else but the inevitable purging of bad germs from my system. Yes... I am sick.. maybe a virus or something.. I won't go into details here.. but I really don't think I'll be in any eating contests soon... I hate when things cause our systems to be sent into a state of panic.. I don't like being sick.. physically or mentally... it can be argued that I am mentally sick.. and have been for awhile.. I think that mentally.. I'm just a little off kilter.. possibly something I might be able to work out myself.. but if I can't.. I will be okay with the "sickness". I was woken up today by a phone call from my dad.. I know he wants to do something to ..fix my physical ailment, but I just let him know.. it's probably a virus.. and will pass in a short time.
I am supposed to go to the doc again tomorrow.. will be interesting to find out what he says this time.. as not a lot has changed. I am beginning to think he is just guessing at treatments.. but I don't really mind that either.. as long as it doesn't cost me a lot of money. I am beginning to really not mind .. I don't mind a whole lot anymore.. maybe it's because I'm finally worn down due to all the stress. I choose to deal with the stress however I can.. but it seems as though just when I get to the point of being adjusted to things.. something else will appear in my life to throw off the balance.. I was talking to someone the other day and they were talking about their mouth being dry.. Immediately my mind went back to my mom's last few hours.. when we would take a little sponge on a stick to moisten her mouth.. and she said it felt so good.. I started crying.. I couldn't understand why something that intense would pop up so suddenly.. but then I think about other things.. there are all kinds of triggers in my life.. that cause me to think of the past.. and emotional events I've gone through.. It seem as though the longer I live.. the more difficult it is to sidestep those emotional landmines that send my mental state into sadness.
I am not working, of course.. and I sort of miss being there.. it seems like I am playing "hooky" now... my body is rested.. just a bit sore.. I won't sleep anymore.. but it seems really strange being in the same house alone with my spouse. She has spent much of the morning on the phone with her relatives. I always wondered what she did all day... I suppose now I have a better idea. I don't do a whole lot with my family as a whole anymore.. only the things we have to do.. I was so out of it this morning, I didn't even see my daughters.. I smelled a horrible smell that made me want to hurl a bit more this morning.. but after a few minutes.. it passed.. I figured it was just the smell of food for my daughters' breakfast that caused it.. but later I've found out that a Styrofoam plate was too close to the stove cap and caught fire.. so that was it. I guess it's easy to tell that my mind is in all sorts of back and forth thoughts today.. I have nothing to do without getting out.. and I really don't want to do that because then it would get back that I was out gallivanting around while I was supposed to be home sick.
So... I am done sleeping.. if I sleep any more, I won't be able to sleep tonight.. as it is, I will probably have a little trouble falling asleep.. I don't remember the last time I slept until after 11 am. ... I need to work on something to occupy my time.. because if I sit here.. doing nothing, I will let my mind drift around to all the events that are floating through it... Most of the time, the best way I can cope.. is to not dwell on life.. and the past.. because the past is somewhere I don't want to live anymore. It is too painful.
I am supposed to go to the doc again tomorrow.. will be interesting to find out what he says this time.. as not a lot has changed. I am beginning to think he is just guessing at treatments.. but I don't really mind that either.. as long as it doesn't cost me a lot of money. I am beginning to really not mind .. I don't mind a whole lot anymore.. maybe it's because I'm finally worn down due to all the stress. I choose to deal with the stress however I can.. but it seems as though just when I get to the point of being adjusted to things.. something else will appear in my life to throw off the balance.. I was talking to someone the other day and they were talking about their mouth being dry.. Immediately my mind went back to my mom's last few hours.. when we would take a little sponge on a stick to moisten her mouth.. and she said it felt so good.. I started crying.. I couldn't understand why something that intense would pop up so suddenly.. but then I think about other things.. there are all kinds of triggers in my life.. that cause me to think of the past.. and emotional events I've gone through.. It seem as though the longer I live.. the more difficult it is to sidestep those emotional landmines that send my mental state into sadness.
I am not working, of course.. and I sort of miss being there.. it seems like I am playing "hooky" now... my body is rested.. just a bit sore.. I won't sleep anymore.. but it seems really strange being in the same house alone with my spouse. She has spent much of the morning on the phone with her relatives. I always wondered what she did all day... I suppose now I have a better idea. I don't do a whole lot with my family as a whole anymore.. only the things we have to do.. I was so out of it this morning, I didn't even see my daughters.. I smelled a horrible smell that made me want to hurl a bit more this morning.. but after a few minutes.. it passed.. I figured it was just the smell of food for my daughters' breakfast that caused it.. but later I've found out that a Styrofoam plate was too close to the stove cap and caught fire.. so that was it. I guess it's easy to tell that my mind is in all sorts of back and forth thoughts today.. I have nothing to do without getting out.. and I really don't want to do that because then it would get back that I was out gallivanting around while I was supposed to be home sick.
So... I am done sleeping.. if I sleep any more, I won't be able to sleep tonight.. as it is, I will probably have a little trouble falling asleep.. I don't remember the last time I slept until after 11 am. ... I need to work on something to occupy my time.. because if I sit here.. doing nothing, I will let my mind drift around to all the events that are floating through it... Most of the time, the best way I can cope.. is to not dwell on life.. and the past.. because the past is somewhere I don't want to live anymore. It is too painful.
Comments
Post a Comment