I'm Certainly Not Hurting

I know that I come across as heartless sometimes...especially to those that just might be trying to help.. but I can't get it through to them.. I don't want help.. I am okay with where I am. If you are trying to change my attitude.. or where I am in my life.. you will draw my fire...  I let my guard down a few times.. and paid the price for it.. I said some pretty harsh things last night to someone who for all practical purposes was only trying to be supportive.. but the problem is.. I don't want that kind of support.. I only want acceptance of who I am now.. not wanting anyone to try to "fix" me.. or change me.. I really do want to be in the place I am now... I don't want to strive for something I no longer believe in... if someday it happens to find me.. then we shall see what goes on..  I've been told that I treat a few people horribly.. and they keep coming back.. I say to that... I only treat people with malice when I sense them trying to alter my life with crap that they believe in... but I don't. Right now.. it might be best that I limit myself on the time I spend chatting so I don't hurt those who are trying to help... no matter how misguided their intentions are ...and I don't really call it malice as much as protecting myself from changing.. what most people don't seem to get... is that I've walked down that road before... several times.. hopeful.. expectant.. even putting aside all doubt.  If someone was seriously my friend.. they would have read all this in this blog.. and would understand that these posts aren't just words I've thrown out for attention. I don't want anything from anyone.. except acceptance of who I am.. No one seems to understand that. I keep lashing out.. and will continue to lash out.. because I am safe where I am... I don't have to be happy.. I am not hurting though.. and that is what I truly want.. not to hurt. I will be who I am.. yes, I am pigheaded.. completely stubborn.. but I've even said lately.. those people who don't want to accept who I am.. can go away... I've learned to keep my heart enclosed.. and if I appear to be a heartless bastard... It's because I don't have much of one left.. I need to make it last the rest of my life.... I can't stress enough how I really don't want to be changed.. I don't need to be "fixed" ...and more than anything I don't want your pity.. I am becoming stronger and stronger day by day... because I am not letting myself get emotional over things.. If my indifference is something that offends.. go away... or stay and take it..  I haven't invited anyone into my world.. people just seem to show up.. well.. if you want to be a part of my world.. leave it alone.. let my world and I live in the balance I've created... I might not be happy... but I'm certainly not hurting.

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