I Can Be Selfish.

No results.. no surprises.. just.. nothing.  I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised. I didn't really expect much. I just stumble through another day... no worse for wear.. for the most part.. more blood drawn.. another shot in the arm.. just routine for now. I try not to let anything get me down anymore... and for the most part.. it seems to be working.. no major ups.. so.. no major downs.. maybe I've found the secret.  It's like skydiving without a parachute.. that has to be the biggest rush ever.. but it also is the most down following the up rush...  maybe life is all like that.. there has to be bad.. to have good.. sad.. to have happy. pain.. to have pleasure.. I don't know.. just a guess..  We are pretty much in control of what we feel though.. no one can make us feel anything.. it's ourselves.. that let us get so attached to something as to give it power in our lives.  No one can make us feel horrible.. unless we have given them the power to do it. Sometimes, it's best not to give anyone that.. I've given people power in my life several times.. and every time, it seems as though they abuse it.  I don't know if people realize how much power I actually have given them... more than they ever deserved, that's for sure. I've learned a lesson there... it has taken me more times than it should have.. but after so many times, I've become able to keep myself in check... maybe some people think that means I no longer feel happy.. and to an extent.. no.. I feel a certain degree of happiness from time to time.. but I don't have a clue if I will ever be able to truly let myself go again.  Right now.. even the though sends me into a nervous panic.  I am afraid to ever think about letting someone have that much control in my life.. it's like giving a 10 year old keys to your 1957 Corvette and sitting in the passenger's seat while you watch the immanent crash occurring.. unable to stop it.

There are so many people out there that are unable to have any control in their own life... oft times, it seems as though they will choose to control anything they can..  if someone lets them have that power.. then they deserve what they get. I know that sometimes it seems as though certain people have a huge influence in our lives.. but again.. it's OUR lives.. my life is my responsibility. I cannot live it for someone else.  It's very easy to lose ourselves when we start living for others.  I suppose that's why sometimes I resent my daughters.. don't get me wrong.. I do love them.. and I would do anything for them.. but I don't think I've ever been able to live for me.. and even less so now.  I don't even like having a pet for that reason.. I don't want to have to live my life around someone.. or something else's schedule.  I'm selfish that way... I might change someday.. but for the most part.. I just want to be independent.  Even though it seems like I have a lot of free time, I still have to answer for the things I do.. I have to be the responsible adult... I've always had to be responsible.. and to tell the truth.. sometimes I'm tired of it.  It would be so nice to just get in a car.. and drive away.. not worrying about when I have to come back... I've had weekend trips.. or even weeklong trips.. for work.. for pleasure.. and while I'm away.. I can put my life on hold.. not thinking about anything.. but then it seems there is a huge overshadowing of my time while I am away.  I know my daughters will be grown up soon enough.. and I know I'll miss them.. but I hate having to wait until I'm too old to get the most out of life to actually start living.  Twenty years from now.. I wanna get a conversion van.. with a bed in the back.. and just take off.. driving where I want.. sleeping when I want.. and not worrying about the consequences.  Yeah.. I know.. it is just a fantasy.. but it's MY fantasy.. I can at least think about it.  ...and it's not the type of fantasy that will come crashing down around me.. I can make it what I want. Maybe it seems I am selfish.. but that's okay with me. I can be selfish.