I Believe In Myself.

Sometimes I just don't feel like getting up.  I didn't sleep very well last night.. I had trouble falling asleep.. then I was up and down all night. I sometimes wonder why I have nights like that.  It wasn't any one thing.. I just have my mind going all sorts of directions sometime and have difficulty  concentrating.. I do that when I am awake too.  I am certain.. with today's doctors.. if I was a younger person, they would try to put me on some sort of ADD medication.. I actually don't believe in medication for personality modification.. except in extreme examples.  I have seen so many of my students come in on that.. and that's part of the reason behind why they are in our program. These medications have changed their behavior so much, they weren't able to fit into the normal public schools. I counted at one time that close to 50 percent of my students fell into this category. I think it might take a little more effort for some people, but for the most part.. leave them off the medication.

I worked at the food commodities distribution yesterday. The head of the senior center dropped her keys into a drainage pit.. and we couldn't find anything to fish them out.. the water had been standing in this pit for over 3 years.. as far as I can remember, anyway... Since no one else had any ideas, I stuck my arm down into the water and fished the keys out after we removed the the grate covering the top of it.  It had a 8 inch layer of gunk at the bottom of it.. and I was almost completely grossed out... but I've done worse.. once, anyway. But I got the keys and all was well again. I hope I don't ever have to do that again.

Today is the day we're kicked out of our building.  We have nothing else to do, so we are going to drive into town.. we'll spend a bit of time in the mall.. then we will bar-b-que. I will be doing the cooking. I'm thinking we might reverse that order.. as I don't know how long it will take to get the food cooked.  In any case, I am just going to wing it... which is so unlike me.  I usually like to have every little detail planned.. then double.. and triple check it for errors. I guess we'll see what happens.  At least today is Friday.. and we won't have class tomorrow.

I keep thinking that something is going to happen soon.  I still don't have a clue as to what.. but right now.. things are too calm in my life.  There are so many factors that could become complicated very quickly.. I will deal with it if they do. I am not looking forward to next Friday's doctor visit.. but sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do.  I only wish I could fall asleep.. and wake up in a year or so.. and everything is okay. Unfortunately, we can't do that. I have to many responsibilities to take care of.  I will get my bloodwork back the first part of next week.  I already know he's going to get on me about my cholesterol. I was told that I'm not the type of person that would take my life.. but I'm not really going to make the effort to passively let things happen to kill me.  Really, I think that is an accurate assumption. I am going to live my life from day to day as I want to... I am not concerned about my future issues.. There is only so much effort left in me... and I figure I'll need to save my concern for living... for when I might need it... whenever that might be. I have changed a lot over the last 5 years or so.. I have become broken.. patched.. broken again.. patched again.. broken again.. etc... I have so many cracks in my soul now, I will never be completely whole again.. and it's not any one person's fault.  Actually, it's more my fault than anyone else's.  I let myself become who I am now.. based on my response to other people.  I let other people have a huge influence in my life. I knew better than that.  I am now counting on me.. and just me alone. People are welcome to come in and out of my life.. and I will go on the only way I can. I am seriously doubting that I will ever be able to trust in anyone other than myself.. but I am okay with that.  I believe in myself.