I Won't Apologize For That

I hate sleepless nights... you know the ones.. where you're up every half hour.. just looking at the clock.. wondering when you are not going to be able to try to sleep anymore... just when there is no longer enough time to get any more rest.  I seem to do that every once in awhile.. I had so much difficulty falling asleep last night.. no reason in particular.. just laying there.. trying not to think about anything, but still thinking about everything.. all the crap in my life.. all the issues I've had to deal with.. and the ones that are probably coming.. I know in the grand scheme of things.. there isn't much to worry about.. we are born.. we live awhile.. we die.  That seems pretty simple, doesn't it... but nothing is ever simple.  There is so much that happens in that span of our life.. and so many other lives we touch. I don't see how things got to where they are now... where I am in my life.. but it's all due to a series of events that I created myself... I have no one else to blame.  I would love to be able to do so.. but in looking at the overall picture, I see that the choices I've made haven't always been the brightest ones.  I made.. and will make more than my share of mistakes... I just know that I will have to be accountable for them.  I regret so many decisions I made in my life out of blind emotion. Our hearts will lead us into countless events that will batter and bruise our souls if we aren't careful. We always think we know best.. but face it.. if we always did.. would we have to endure so many crashes in our lives. That's why there is no reason for us to depend on what we feel.. because that seems to give us more pain...  ...somewhere along the way, I let my sense of logic be tainted by emotion. Maybe that's the human factor of it all... and we are all destined to be slaves to our own hopes and dreams.  I've stopped myself from having high hopes and dreams for my future.. my only wish is that I can live with myself and the decisions I make from day to day... causing as little stress as I can in my life.. and my daughter's lives... other than that... anyone who chooses to interact in my world can look forward to my not caring how things go.. I have little enough strength left to keep myself on a clear path.. I don't have the desire or strength to carry anyone else along with me.
I know that my posts still seem dim... but it's not really despair.... it's just lack of apathy.. I lost that along the way. I may come across as selfish.. and that's because I am... I choose to be.. I can't blame those outside influences for making me this way.. it is my choice... I've tried caring... with all my heart and soul.. I've tried being there.. doing everything I can.. and it still makes no difference in the long run. If this seems like pity.. it's not meant to be.. it's just me.. trying to believe in the only way I have left to believe. I am sometimes sorry that people get hurt at things I say.. but as I am who I am.. I won't apologize for that.