I'm Ready For It.

Another weekend passed.. not that it makes much difference.. it's just sorta like I drift through most of them. It's about like any other day... just trying to make it to the next day.  I really don't see that big of a deal about why weekends are so special.. at least not for me.. I am fine having something to do.. working.. or whatever... I sat in my chair most of the weekend.. playing Chefville on facebook. When I wasn't doing that I was watching some online TV.. that's pretty much what my leisure time has come down to.. and to tell the truth.. it's actually good enough for me. I don't need to get out.. and be active.. it's not like I have a huge selection of activities staring me in the face.. I still live in BFE.. with any town being an hour or more away. I was going to get my hair cut this weekend, but I never found the motivation to get that done. It would have involved me actually getting out of my chair and going to town..  I am a bit worried about all the activity coming up in my life.. I was going to schedule A+ exams Tues..  I am out with a doc appt. on Wed.  Thursday is community service with the food commodities distribution.. and Friday my classroom is being fumigated because of the infestation of Brown Recluse Spiders.. thousands of them.. so I have to find somewhere to take my students on Friday.. This week is going to be someone hectic.. and I have to get a Training Achievement Record turned in for one of my students.. as well as I am supposed to be working on some sort of presentation that our Union President asked me to work on about the statistics under the Forest Service.. and why we aren't being as productive as we should be. ...I still have to get the details on that.  I still think it's too little.. too late.. and for my part of it.. I really don't care... I just can't let them know that.

Here at home.. things are pretty much the same as always.. except I'm fairly certain now that my spouse isn't going to make an attempt to find a job.  I am not sure what she is thinking.. maybe she doesn't believe I'll go through with it.. leaving.. it DOES put me in a harder place when I have to consider my daughters and their welfare.. I feel like it's always been up to me alone to provide everything.. at least financially.. I will figure something out.. I always do.   I have give more than enough advance warning.. it just isn't going to make it any easier when I can see the eventual hard times I will put them through.. even if I have warned time and again about what is going to happen.  I spend a lot of my time thinking about how I tend to put people in hard situations.. even though I give plenty of advance warning.. it's not like the way I've been treated.. and things just dropped all of a sudden on me.. People have always seemed to do me that way.. I won't be the same.

My life is somewhat cloudy at the moment.. I do the best I can.. with what I know.. but unfortunately.. I don't really know anything. I don't even want to make guesses about how things might be or not be.. because I have been shown so many times.. that I'm not really as perceptive about life and the general nature of things that I thought I was.. I am still as cynical as ever.. but I've grown accustomed to the cynicism.. I am okay with things in a mediocre state.  I choose not to ride the highs.. and thereby I'm not crashing as hard when the lows hit.. because I'm pretty much ready for whatever life throws at me..  Right now.. I could find out that I'm dying.. and I'd be a bit surprised.. but it wouldn't come to me as much of a shock... like I said.. I'm braced for most anything... and for some reason.. I just feel like Fate is out there.. ready to plow me down once again... but It's okay.. I'm ready for it.