I Just Can't Help It

I always seem to have a gazillion ideas running around in my head.. some good... some.. not so good... so.. what causes these many conflicting ideas rummaging around in my brain?  I wish there were some sort of order to them... or reason behind some of the more prevalent ones. I have a bad habit of sharing just any idea that wanders through my head at random... and I call it being honest... in a sense.. it is.  It is what I'm thinking about ... but not always everything I am thinking.  That would keep me on the computer blogging 24/7. I only touch on things inside my head at random... but usually it's what is predominant in my brain at the time I'm blogging... If things get too mind-consuming, then I will sometimes blog haphazardly.  I seem to be unable to sort through a lot of issues in my head... so they end up coming out here... after all, isn't that what a blog is all about?

I have a doctor's appointment this week... sometime.. I have an appointment card around here somewhere, but as I said yesterday, I am lacking in motivation.. and choose not to look for it. I will get a reminder call the day before, anyway. I am not sure there is really any purpose for going to the doctor anymore... I was supposed to set up another appointment with the medical doctor in August.. but that too doesn't seem like that big of an issue. I kinda wonder if maybe my lack of energy drinks might be affecting me... I'm not really getting much B12 now.. and my body was lacking in that in February. I might purchase some vitamin supplements and see how that goes... maybe.  Again.. I have all kinds of things I want to do.. I have been meaning to cut my hair... I have 3 flat tires on the car I bought just a few months ago.. and it needs brakes.. I keep saying it's a money issue.. and part of it is.. but the other part is.. I really just don't care... it's a backup plan if one of my other vehicles die.  other than that.. I really don't need it. I am trying to sort through things in my mind.. and prioritize.. which things are required.. which can be put off.. I have a tendency to do that a lot lately.. putting things off. I just lack the mental fortitude to really give a rat's butt. I want things to change.. but I am tired of struggling against the flow of negative things that influence my life.. I just want to embrace the negativity and acknowledge it's there.. and will always be there. I might be able to come up for air at times.. but then I seem to get pulled back under, frequently. Maybe I am a bit mental.. who knows?  ..If I were mental.. I probably wouldn't have a clue.  I figure most of it is just reaction to all the little things that have picked away at my soul for awhile now. I have a lot of things that I am just unsure of anymore... even if I wanted to believe in them.. I'm not certain if I could now.  That's why I'm being the way I am.. That is why I choose to try to develop a defensive attitude about life and love and anything else that people deem positive.  I need to be where I am now.. because anywhere else, at the moment, would send my brain into a shutdown out of fear.  I know I am afraid of life... and I know why... I just can't help it.