Under my Hat

D-Day.. D being for Dad... he's supposed to be here this afternoon when I get off work. I don't know why I get so worked up over having him here... I just need to chill a bit.. and just ride it out.. I found out yesterday that I'm not going to be able to use my students to help me move... so I guess I'll have to figure something else out.. I'm certain something will present itself.... but I just need to do my part and finish packing... well.. I like doing my part.. it keeps me happy. I was in a conversation about how I like to be helpful... and even though it was just a bit of tongue-in-cheek, I really think that's a lot of what I am about.  I seriously like to help people.  My job should be a major indicator of that. I chose a field where I could help people go from a drain on the economy to become a working taxpayer and productive member of society.... It helps them.. helps the world in general... sure, it's not as glamorous a life as my sisters', the...

I'm a bit tired... I've had a long, exhausting day.  But I woke up in a great mood... spectacular dreams.  First time in  a long time that they've been so ...vivid.. but it was nice.. now .. it's over... so is most of my pleasant moments... Dad comes tomorrow.. so I might get to blog some in the next 2 - 3 weeks.. but not sure how much... I really don't have a moment to myself when he's around.. except for the 3 or 4 minutes I can go to the bathroom before he knocks on the door to check if I'm okay. Yeah... let's just suffice it to say that he is going to come in.. and try to take over my moving plans.. luckily a lot of it is already in place. I'll deal... I always do.  I need to get my ass in gear and pack as much as I can before he gets here.. I have plenty of boxes... I don't need him going through all my stuff anyway.... I have a vibrator in the drawer I bought for my last girlfriend... and never threw it away... seems a shame since it was s...

It would look like I would run out of topics to talk about... but as long as my brain functions, I think I'll continue to throw out whatever is in there... Let's talk about my friend zone... Some people look upon that as a bad place to be.. because I've compartmentalized them.. defined them.. In all actuality, it's not a place where I let many people.. If I've put you in my friend zone.. that means that you have earned a special place in my life... but I don't want to complicate that with a relationship that would jeopardize our friendship.. plus it allows me to flirt and banter... even in a slightly suggestive manner.. without worrying about going too far.. because the idea of being overtly sexual.. isn't something I choose to think about..  I had a discussion with one of my friends a couple of years ago.. and even another several years back.. and in both cases these people wanted more than friendship.. limits were pushed.. even crossed.. and right afterwa...

Dad is coming...  (I just said that in my best Jon Snow voice.)  It's supposed to sound ominous... in all actuality it is...  I dread the visit.. but I'm going to try to make the best of it... I can put up with it for a short time... Now if you ask me how it's going about a week from now.. I'll probably spit at you.. No... I don't spit at people, but I might appear irked. It's just the way I am... certain things are a part of life... and I deal with it.. it's not exactly the most ideal arrangement, but it works.. and I'm able to keep my sanity in tact.. I am pretty certain that a lot of what I write would have someone questioning whether my sanity was, in fact.. in tact.. I guess if I was insane... I might think I was still sane, so to answer that question... I really haven't a clue. But I seem to be able to sleep a little better... at least last night... and I don't have to worry all the time... I think we all spend too much time worrying anywa...

I am a bit tired... but better rested now what I have been. It seems like there is just so much to do... My dreams are plagued with weird crap... I was riding a tricycle to get everywhere I needed to go... and not an adult sized one... the entire time, I had my dad calling me to try to find me... Look at the symbolism on that one.. it just screams obvious issues.. But Dad is Dad.. and that's all he ever will be. I've made every attempt to make changes to the way we interact.. it's not happening. I am a strong believer that each person has a duty... not to fellow man... or to country... I believe that everyone has a duty to themselves.. to continue to try to improve their his/her life as best they can. I think many people get too caught up in the moment... and send themselves spiraling down a rabbit hole where they can't escape... I might have a bleak outlook on my future at times... but that still doesn't stop me from making an effort when it comes to doing the t...

I think I'm a vampire... I thought maybe a werewolf.. or zombie.. but after considerable thought.. I'd say vampire.. I, on regular occasion, get this hunger... this feeling that I want to satiate a primal instinct... and it makes me be out of character for who I am.. I can fight it.. but it still grows stronger and stronger... but unlike a vampire, if I hold on for long enough.. this ...lust will pass.. and I'll be okay again.  I was thinking zombie because it makes me mindless for just a time.. like I just want.. braaaaiiinnns... well.. not brains.. but something..   still with a zombie.. that feeling never stops... with a werewolf.. you become mindless.. and animalistic.. but you're indiscriminate... I think with vampires, there is a high level of directed desire for a certain victim....a discriminating taste.. I'm just kidding of course.. but there is a lot to be said about our wants or desires that give us this uncomfortable yearning.. I am learning to master...

I sometimes feel like maybe I have expectations... that things are supposed to happen, I suppose we all do to a certain point.  I don't want to live that way... I've learned that once you start thinking about the future and what could happen, you doom yourself to probable disappointment. I've sorta lost my way I think. I look in certain directions and see ...maybes.. But in all reality, I have no right to look in any direction. I am currently in a point of my life where yes... there are possibilities of my having a normal life with my own place.. I even have gotten to a point where being alone... sometimes is.. and sometimes isn't a problem for me... I can admit that... but there's nothing I'm willing to do about it.  Any relationship takes two people, and just knowing what I know... I don't want a relationship because it just isn't feasible. I am trying to step around the political landmines at work... they've put a bunch out... and the powers tha...

So... it's 2:30 in the morning... and sleeps seems to elude me.. I don't know exactly what it is, but there is a lot weighing heavily on me... I thought once the house closed that would be a bit better, but it seems not to have made much difference.. I would say first and foremost is my job... I have all these deadlines to meet in a program that my management has hacked to bits as far as my outline.. and I'm meant to be able to come up with a productive program basically blindfolded with my hands tied behind me. The packet they want submitted doesn't include several things I recommended... so basically we're taking in students from other centers without any regard to how their behavior was... or how well they were doing... to me that is asinine. .. and I have only my deputy director to blame... She and I have to have a talk.  They want me to bring in more students than I can handle considering the fact that my other class is still well over full. and I still have t...

I'm pretty stoked about having my own house now... but at the same time... it's still not that big of a deal.  I don't think I'm going to get all that excited about anything... I've just developed the attitude that things will happen.. I'll deal with it in a good or bad way... and live the next day as it comes. I realized that I let my brain get too involved in my actions.. or reactions.. it is much simpler just to work things out as they happen instead of worrying about what could be.. or what might be... or even what is... I can't change what is.. but I have control over myself... I've said that several times in blogging.. and it's true.. I have friends that are miserable.. and I tell them.. you make yourself miserable... by your actions.. or inactions.. and I think I should heed my own advice.  I make myself worry about things that really aren't.. most things are just perceptions.. I need to choose to be happy.. and do what it takes to be tha...

It's closing time... Closing time Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. Profound words if you actually think about them.. We start different chapters of our lives anew, but we close the door on the old chapter of our lives and leave it behind. I'm sure my buying a house today will set in motion some series of events that will send my life spiraling even more out of my control than it already is.  I have a tendency to overdramatize things at times, but in a sense, we all have little control over most of what happens to us... the only real control we have is how we react to those things that affect us in one way or another.   I told someone that my mind really was a dark scary place, and at times it is... but there is a lot of good thoughts there... it's what keeps me focused in a positive direction. I still maintain that we can think all the things we want to ... good or bad.. but it's our actions that define us.  I still flirt.. and cavort in ...

I think sometimes I'm really full of myself... but while it's true the world doesn't revolve around me, my world does. I'm still the most important component of my existence by definition... it's my existence. So why do I get sidetracked by all these things that come from other people. It is because I actually do care about others, but at what point do I stop wasting energy on things that don't matter. For the most part, I tend to compartmentalize people... and yes, I have some friends or relatives that I would drop everything for and rush to help them. ...at least that's what I tell myself, but in reality,  I don't even stop to help myself... my life is on a bit of an autopilot.  I've been told that eventually everything will work out okay.... I truly don't believe that.  Everything will work out the way it is supposed to... and all we can do is our best.  If we are still meant to swim through the shitstorm, that is what will happen.  I'm a...

Laundry day... it's one of the chores I sorta dread getting started on, but once it's started, I don't mind it all that much.. in fact I sort of enjoy it... getting rid of all the dirt and making everything all clean. It's almost like a cleansing.. it's a shame life can't be that way... but we carry on us the stink of our past.. no matter what we do to try to cleanse ourself from it. Even if we put it away and try not to thing about it, it's still a lot of what goes into making us who we currently are.  I've had a few deep discussions lately and I guess I carry a bit too much mistrust at times... and it's not really mistrust of not trusting people... it's a mistrust of myself and also of the fact that people don't know what they want... because most people will say something over and over again... for months... then out of the blue... maybe they discover they have been lying to themselves.. that's why I try to think... instead of believi...

I can't say I live a boring life anymore... so much is happening all at once... I'm somewhat glad I'm not in a relationship.. At work I'm still wearing many hats and keep having more thrust upon me... That in itself wouldn't be too bad.  At least I'm having an opportunity open up in January. I have been selected to train on the GIS portion of the wildland fire team. That means  I may get breaks from center where I go to actual fires and gather data and use that data to give coordinate to the hotshots and smoke jumpers... It's a pretty important position.  I need to select a couple of students to go with me, but I'm not certain if I have anyone at that level yet. The nice thing is each time I'm deployed, I get paid 24 hours a day ... 7 days a week from the time I leave the center until the time I return. That could result in some major money.  I could easily double my salary next year.... plus I'll get to see several states I've never seen......

I think I have a tendency to mentally browbeat myself.  I can get into a mood sometimes, and then I keep thinking " I have this" ...when I really don't.  I know a little bit about how the world works. I also know that most men are animalistic in nature... we let the ideas of passion and physical fantasies creep into our heads and then those thoughts sit there and grow until we do something about it. Most men I've met will do whatever it takes to get their basic needs met... sex, eating, drinking, sleep, and sometimes some form of entertainment.  Although, sex is usually the highest on the list as far as entertainment goes. I don't want to be like most men... but at times I still am.  I don't want to be of the caveman mentality where I club someone over the head and drag her back to my cave and have my way with her... first and foremost... that's illegal..  secondly, I can't really get into something where both people aren't on the same page... I...

The start of another week... and I will have to say that I'm still a bit on an emotional roller coaster.  I really haven't taken much time to rest my brain... and the house, my job, my life are all still major players in keeping me a bit unstable. I hang on to the sanity I have and hope that things happen soon. I'm afraid to make any more changes at the moment because of how everything is so unstable at the moment.. and then I hear the organization is cutting back 25%.  I'm not sure if that will affect me yet, but it's still something I'm concerned about. I spent last evening bantering back and forth in a way I haven't for awhile... I do know one thing... I can get caught up in a moment... but I am able to ground myself much better after a brief rest. There are many people I interact with that I feel are actually good people, but there's only a select few that I can get these little voices inside my head saying "what if?"  ...but then I know w...

So.. I get to work... there's already 3 people there... they don't need me... but then I have to ask the duty officer... and she calls the department manager... who it ends up told me wrong.. but I get to stay a few hours anyway... I don't know why they would really give me overtime if it wasn't needed... I get paid more for my overtime than just about anyone else on the center... I'm not a manager..  so I hang out a bit... do a little driving.. then come home... just as well.. I can get a bit of laundry done... and just a tad of cleaning. and I got to post and watch movies... and eat 5 Guys burgers and fries... I know... I shouldn't.. but it was soooo freakin' good. ...and I've been in a good mood all day for it.. All and all it's been a pretty good day. I don't want an exceptional life. I don't want to be rich... or famous.. I just want to live my day to day and seek happiness for that day.  I kinda think that we all want that at heart... ...

It's early... too early for me to be getting up,  as I generally have the day off.  Instead I lay in the bed for almost an hour contemplating things... evidently this blog isn't doing a good enough job of getting things out of my head and out into the open to deal with them.  I feel like I have a handle on most things I can control.. but at the moment my life has little in it I can control.  I told a friend that all you can do is concentrate on the things you can make changes or improvements... and I keep saying that here... it's just not as simple as that. We have to make choices when it comes to those changes... Are we willing to sacrifice the stability of our lives as it is... just to take a chance that it might become better, but at the same time, it might become worse. We have to step out on faith.. We have to believe in ourselves... and that maybe there is a power somewhere that will help us when it really comes down to the rock bottom. I've never hit rock bot...

Yay... I get to work through my weekend... again.. I'm actually okay with that... it's not like I have much else to do... I could get a few things done around the house, but I'm pretty sure I will be able to use the money on the house... so until I get a budget figured out, I'm going to be pretty thrifty with it all.. and the more I can set aside, the easier it will be to work it all out. Besides, if I keep myself busy, I don't seem to find time to focus on the rut I've been in for the longest time.. until I throw it out there on this blog and remind myself... thanks me!!!  (yes, that was in my best sarcastic tone)  ...I have been looking for the best place to buy a washer and dryer.  And the one thing I'm going to splurge on... a King sized bed... I've always wanted one but never had a bedroom large enough... I'm not actually going to "splurge" on it... well.. not anytime soon, anyway. I have almost moved into monk status on that... I won...

I crashed last night... I was getting chills and felt very hot... I was almost certain I was going to be very sick... which is almost unheard of for me... I get sick once every couple of years.. if that much.  Anyway, my first reaction was to turn off everything and go get into bed.  I am glad I did so... because now I'm up, and I feel much, much better. I think I slept for nearly 11 hours though.. Gets me to wondering just a little bit though... other than my dad... if I never woke back up, no one would probably know anything about me for weeks.. I'm not even certain that would occur. I do have a couple of neighbors that might say something if my car never left it's spot... but even though that's a morbid thing to think of, it does happen.  I'm just glad I don't have a pet... I can't stand the thought of being cat food... or dog food. I don't put much thought into when I die, but I think I'd like to be creamated... and have my ashes feed an oak tre...

Do you ever miss it?  ...the thrill of life.. doesn't it seem that sometimes the older you get, the more you seem to miss out on... even if it's not significant, it appears that life slows down... my mind doesn't... my body doesn't really seem to... it's just a factor that goes along with the aging process, I suppose. I have all these things I really want to do in life.. and the older I get, the more I realize that a majority probably won't get done... it's not that I don't want to do them anymore, it's just that time seems to be filled by some void or another... life sneaks into the nooks and crannies of each day and leaves very little opportunity to do the wants... instead we're left with the needs. I sometimes feel very old.. and sometimes I realize that the way my family history goes... I could possibly be around for another 40 years or so.. I'm not certain I want to live that long though.  I think my body will wear out at some point... ...

I'm finding it more and more difficult to sleep... The job... the house... life in general.. Sure I have my problems, but so does everyone else... I can't take on more than I can do... but at the same time, I want to fix things... maybe I want to do too much. There's only so much in my life I have power over.  I always tell my students that a person only has the power to change themselves... and that hopefully by being positive and doing what you feel is right, you motivate other people to change for the positive too.... I am not so certain I always believe that has the desired effect, but I have to hold out a little hope that it does.  I read something yesterday that I think fits pretty well... I don't remember the exact wording, but it goes something like... If you do the best you can and aren't selfish enough to do it for a reward... you'll never be disappointed.  I think sometimes that's what gets me... I hold on to the foolish notion that I deserve som...

So I might be getting a bit more overtime at work... which I can definitely use. I keep thinking a positive change is going to happen, but maybe I'm overlooking all the little changes that are adding up and making a difference.  I don't know why, but last night I had severe insomnia... I was up most of the night, but I tried to limit my time online, because I knew once I got interested in something... it would be that much longer before I would be able to sleep.  I have fun bantering back and forth with people, but there's really not that much of an interest there to keep my attention... so I banter with whomever is around and will banter with me... I try to stay away from a few, because I know that they have issues with me... no biggie, I just go about my business.. I find that I am not all that interested in bantering with anyone in particular, and truth be told... I don't think most of them could actually keep up with me at my best... that sounds really arrogant doe...