No One Lives Forever.

I'm finding it more and more difficult to sleep... The job... the house... life in general.. Sure I have my problems, but so does everyone else... I can't take on more than I can do... but at the same time, I want to fix things... maybe I want to do too much. There's only so much in my life I have power over.  I always tell my students that a person only has the power to change themselves... and that hopefully by being positive and doing what you feel is right, you motivate other people to change for the positive too.... I am not so certain I always believe that has the desired effect, but I have to hold out a little hope that it does.  I read something yesterday that I think fits pretty well... I don't remember the exact wording, but it goes something like... If you do the best you can and aren't selfish enough to do it for a reward... you'll never be disappointed.  I think sometimes that's what gets me... I hold on to the foolish notion that I deserve something by doing good... That's the wrong reason for doing anything... I really have reaped the rewards anyway, I have a buttload of respect from my students and the people I work with... those few people I do see occasionally consider me a trustworthy person.  I always wanted to grow up to be a person with a high set of values.  Sometimes I've done things in my past that I don't consider of high moral fiber, but I need to put aside those things and concentrate on who I am now.  Yeah... I know.. I've sorta run that into the ground in previous postings, so I won't dwell much on it in this blog post...

I have learned that I am pretty good at delving out the advice, but I don't spend as much time heeding it.  I had a conversation lately about being in the box vs. being outside the box.  When you're in the box, you choose to live in your own little world... and from those outside, it might look like horrible living conditions... and we want better for those we care about.  But at the same time... we have to weigh the positive and the negative.  Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows.. sometimes it's melanoma due to over-exposure to the sun... and wading through colorful unicorn poop.. We might imagine it to be somewhat better from our perspective. I have no right to tell someone their living their life wrong... there IS no wrong... we live our life and enjoy the things we have.. we strive to improve our lives... and we deal with the bullshit as it comes along... If a person expects to go through life without a bit of hardship along the way... they're going to be very disappointed.  We have to take the opportunity to live our lives... I told something to my daughter... I told her that she was pretty much grown, but I wanted better for her than her mom and I had it.. I explained to her that in order to live.. you had to get out there and not be afraid of everything... to live life you had to take a few chances every once in awhile.. just be careful about it. If you don't expose yourself to more that life has to offer, then you end up being very limited in the things you can do... the more you do, the easier it becomes to not be afraid of doing them. I can't get my dad to understand this.. and it's because of him that I limit myself... I shouldn't say that... I still make the decisions not to do certain things... but without him in my life, it would be much easier not to have to explain myself consistently.

Today is the last hurdle in the housing issue. The appraisal happens at some point.  I don't expect there to be any complications, but knowing how things go on occasion, I realize that they could want some other things fixed with the house before I buy it... and I can't do that... it'll be passed on to the seller.  I'm hoping it just goes through smoothly.  I know there are a few issues with the house... a few windows that could use a  bit of work... some staining and finishing on a couple of doors.. just some minor things that can be handled at any time... anything of major consequence has already been addressed. I don't know if I can really afford this place, but the overtime I'm working now is helping. I worked straight through my weekend.. and will be working quite a bit more... sure I might be slowly killing myself, but it's something to do... and no one lives forever.