There's Only Me.
I sometimes feel like maybe I have expectations... that things are supposed to happen, I suppose we all do to a certain point. I don't want to live that way... I've learned that once you start thinking about the future and what could happen, you doom yourself to probable disappointment. I've sorta lost my way I think. I look in certain directions and see ...maybes.. But in all reality, I have no right to look in any direction. I am currently in a point of my life where yes... there are possibilities of my having a normal life with my own place.. I even have gotten to a point where being alone... sometimes is.. and sometimes isn't a problem for me... I can admit that... but there's nothing I'm willing to do about it. Any relationship takes two people, and just knowing what I know... I don't want a relationship because it just isn't feasible.
I am trying to step around the political landmines at work... they've put a bunch out... and the powers that be want to bring in a large group of students on the 5th of September... The week I'm not going to be there.. They've falsely advertised exactly what the program is about and these poor unsuspecting souls are going to end up sitting in a class... not knowing what to do or how deep they've gotten themselves... We'll see how that goes...
I need to start packing... I keep telling myself to just start boxing up things I don't use... I've gotten a bit done.. but not a whole lot because I just see a mountain in front of me that I dread climbing... I just need to take it a step at a time... then maybe I can work on a game plan for getting things done... I haven't spent over 5 minutes in my new place since I got it. Of course there is currently no electricity and no gas for hot water... that will be fixed next week.
I was a bit surprised to see in influx of people into the second site I visit.. mostly from the first site I was on... it seems like over a half dozen regulars have made their way over... including one of my ex's. I actually am okay with that... I just hope they all know that PMs and such are easily read and that nothing is private... The other site has that capability, but I'm not sure if it's turned on... I know it is on the second site. I really have fun throwing the banter around and there are some pretty great people... but I have to keep in mind that it really is all online... and as much as things might seem different, everything is really just the same. I know my limitations. I have put boundaries on myself as a precaution so that I don't end up crossing any lines and setting up expectations that might cause issues down the road. There we are back to that word.. expectations.. When you think about it... we do all have them... I expect to finish this blog.. I expect to go back to work on Monday... I expect to move into my new house.. I expect at some point... my negative attitude toward relationships might be proven wrong... but I can't place expectations on anyone else... There is a saying I really love.. We all die.. but we don't all live. For some reason I have put all these limitations on myself for the sake of others... At this point, I don't care what people expect of me, but it's sort of a contradiction.. I take... or don't take actions because of other people... That's why I have this blog... to try to sort out the crap in my head.. I like interaction... and I'll take what I can get... I mean something is better than nothing... right? I do believe I've learned not to take anything too seriously... Sometimes you stay away from people... or back off on the interaction because you want to respect who they are.. sometimes you place that line that you won't cross.... so that no one gets hurt.. I am all about the boundaries... even though I might forget that at certain times.. It's easy to do. .I've said that I don't care what people think... that's not exactly true.. we all care.. what others think about us.. I just refuse to compromise who I am for the sake of those who aren't a part of my life.. but when someone becomes my friend.. I am willing to make certain allowances to accommodate their friendship.... I figure at some point, it won't matter what I say or do, because they should know me well enough to know who I am. But that hasn't exactly worked in the past. ... There I go again... the past.. it's over... don't dwell there. I can't dwell in the past... I don't need to set expectations for the future.. so what's left.. here.. now.. That's what I need to concentrate on... I need to be happy with where I am.. and who I am. I can't be anything for someone else.. when I can't even be there for me. I really need to work on discovering exactly who I am... so I can be happy and true to that person. After all, in my life, when it comes down to it... there's only me.
I am trying to step around the political landmines at work... they've put a bunch out... and the powers that be want to bring in a large group of students on the 5th of September... The week I'm not going to be there.. They've falsely advertised exactly what the program is about and these poor unsuspecting souls are going to end up sitting in a class... not knowing what to do or how deep they've gotten themselves... We'll see how that goes...
I need to start packing... I keep telling myself to just start boxing up things I don't use... I've gotten a bit done.. but not a whole lot because I just see a mountain in front of me that I dread climbing... I just need to take it a step at a time... then maybe I can work on a game plan for getting things done... I haven't spent over 5 minutes in my new place since I got it. Of course there is currently no electricity and no gas for hot water... that will be fixed next week.
I was a bit surprised to see in influx of people into the second site I visit.. mostly from the first site I was on... it seems like over a half dozen regulars have made their way over... including one of my ex's. I actually am okay with that... I just hope they all know that PMs and such are easily read and that nothing is private... The other site has that capability, but I'm not sure if it's turned on... I know it is on the second site. I really have fun throwing the banter around and there are some pretty great people... but I have to keep in mind that it really is all online... and as much as things might seem different, everything is really just the same. I know my limitations. I have put boundaries on myself as a precaution so that I don't end up crossing any lines and setting up expectations that might cause issues down the road. There we are back to that word.. expectations.. When you think about it... we do all have them... I expect to finish this blog.. I expect to go back to work on Monday... I expect to move into my new house.. I expect at some point... my negative attitude toward relationships might be proven wrong... but I can't place expectations on anyone else... There is a saying I really love.. We all die.. but we don't all live. For some reason I have put all these limitations on myself for the sake of others... At this point, I don't care what people expect of me, but it's sort of a contradiction.. I take... or don't take actions because of other people... That's why I have this blog... to try to sort out the crap in my head.. I like interaction... and I'll take what I can get... I mean something is better than nothing... right? I do believe I've learned not to take anything too seriously... Sometimes you stay away from people... or back off on the interaction because you want to respect who they are.. sometimes you place that line that you won't cross.... so that no one gets hurt.. I am all about the boundaries... even though I might forget that at certain times.. It's easy to do. .I've said that I don't care what people think... that's not exactly true.. we all care.. what others think about us.. I just refuse to compromise who I am for the sake of those who aren't a part of my life.. but when someone becomes my friend.. I am willing to make certain allowances to accommodate their friendship.... I figure at some point, it won't matter what I say or do, because they should know me well enough to know who I am. But that hasn't exactly worked in the past. ... There I go again... the past.. it's over... don't dwell there. I can't dwell in the past... I don't need to set expectations for the future.. so what's left.. here.. now.. That's what I need to concentrate on... I need to be happy with where I am.. and who I am. I can't be anything for someone else.. when I can't even be there for me. I really need to work on discovering exactly who I am... so I can be happy and true to that person. After all, in my life, when it comes down to it... there's only me.
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