I Want To Be An Animal

I think sometimes I'm really full of myself... but while it's true the world doesn't revolve around me, my world does. I'm still the most important component of my existence by definition... it's my existence. So why do I get sidetracked by all these things that come from other people. It is because I actually do care about others, but at what point do I stop wasting energy on things that don't matter. For the most part, I tend to compartmentalize people... and yes, I have some friends or relatives that I would drop everything for and rush to help them. ...at least that's what I tell myself, but in reality,  I don't even stop to help myself... my life is on a bit of an autopilot.  I've been told that eventually everything will work out okay.... I truly don't believe that.  Everything will work out the way it is supposed to... and all we can do is our best.  If we are still meant to swim through the shitstorm, that is what will happen.  I'm at the point where I wonder when the good stuff happens. I'm not a patient person, I know that... but I keep hoping that if I am a good person at heart, that something decent will happen at some point. Right now there is no one in my life I can depend on except my dad.. and I can depend on him only at a price... that he has control that I really am not comfortable with giving up. He's coming up the first week of September because of a minor procedure I need to have done... and I need someone to drive me.  I have no one I can count on for the little things like that. I know I've mentioned that in a previous blog post, but it really gets to me at times. I have been given advice by a few people with good intentions,  but there's really not much anyone can do... I have to accept the way things are and stop holding out hope for things that will just frustrate me.
I keep saying I'm a good person,  but really that's just a matter of perspective... I'm sure there are people that think I'm an asshole... I've done many things I'm not proud of... and my mind is a raging pot of wants and desires... I sometimes want something... anything... even if it's superficial... even at the expense of someone else's feelings.. but there's always that part of me that steps in and makes me realize that if I give in to that.. if I lie to someone because it's what I think I want... I fall into the same trap that has snared so many with good intentions at heart. The basic difference between us and animals is that we can choose not to follow our animalistic desires... but sometimes I want to be an animal.