It Doesn't Belong In There Anymore.
It's closing time... Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
Profound words if you actually think about them.. We start different chapters of our lives anew, but we close the door on the old chapter of our lives and leave it behind. I'm sure my buying a house today will set in motion some series of events that will send my life spiraling even more out of my control than it already is. I have a tendency to overdramatize things at times, but in a sense, we all have little control over most of what happens to us... the only real control we have is how we react to those things that affect us in one way or another. I told someone that my mind really was a dark scary place, and at times it is... but there is a lot of good thoughts there... it's what keeps me focused in a positive direction. I still maintain that we can think all the things we want to ... good or bad.. but it's our actions that define us. I still flirt.. and cavort in public, but my private flirting is something I limit to almost nothing. I walk up to the line, but I try not to cross it. It's difficult at times, because I really don't know where the line is drawn.. so I take my cues from other people. I could easily become a perverted, dirty old man.. The only thing stopping me is my respect for other people... and where they are stuck in their life... I suppose my life is a bit stuck.. as I've put myself in a place that is slowly becoming financially stable.. I was talking to someone about a relationship they were in... or actually not in anymore... and I said something to the effect that everyone has their issues.. we all are broken to some degree. As we grow older.. we tend to show our cracks even more.. but a solid relationship is where both sides bring something to the table... Each person should weigh the positive and negatives and figure out if the scale tips in the positive direction. I would say that I've made my life pretty clear... no one wants to become involved with me because they're afraid they'll hurt me.. I realized yesterday that it wasn't the end of the relationships that hurt as much as the things I was told over and over that turned out wasn't true. My last 2 relationships.. one started online / one offline... when they ended.. sure I was sad... a little hurt.. but no one came out and did something completely opposite of what they were saying.. that's my issue... I get hurt when either things turn out completely different than what's been said. I was told that my moving up here so close would severely adversely affect one relationship.. and I moved anyway.. for me.. and for the financial stability so I could support my daughters.. My last relationship was a bit of a shocker because after a year.. I was told that showing up at someone's house to give them a quick hug ...and then go to do my errands.. was an invasion of her space.. even though we were only seeing each other for an hour or so every couple of weeks.. it really wasn't much of a surprise though because I could see the signs... so ... no.. ends of relationships aren't what has gotten me so jaded and cynical.. I glance backward occasionally and realize that it might not have been done intentionally.. but by lying to yourself for so long about where you are.. and how you feel.. you can make such a negative impact on someone else. I would really rather someone just come out and tell me.. "I want to just meet and fuck your brains out, with no emotional connection." I actually don't think I could do that.. as my mind is a part of something that intimate.. and it wouldn't let me have a clear conscience.. I would still respect someone who said that... rather than talk about a future and all the deep emotions they have.. until they suddenly decide otherwise..
I'm not concerned with rehashing this anymore.. it has permeated portions of my brain... not only happening with one person.. but with several.. So maybe I've gotten it all out of my head.. it doesn't belong in there anymore.
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
Profound words if you actually think about them.. We start different chapters of our lives anew, but we close the door on the old chapter of our lives and leave it behind. I'm sure my buying a house today will set in motion some series of events that will send my life spiraling even more out of my control than it already is. I have a tendency to overdramatize things at times, but in a sense, we all have little control over most of what happens to us... the only real control we have is how we react to those things that affect us in one way or another. I told someone that my mind really was a dark scary place, and at times it is... but there is a lot of good thoughts there... it's what keeps me focused in a positive direction. I still maintain that we can think all the things we want to ... good or bad.. but it's our actions that define us. I still flirt.. and cavort in public, but my private flirting is something I limit to almost nothing. I walk up to the line, but I try not to cross it. It's difficult at times, because I really don't know where the line is drawn.. so I take my cues from other people. I could easily become a perverted, dirty old man.. The only thing stopping me is my respect for other people... and where they are stuck in their life... I suppose my life is a bit stuck.. as I've put myself in a place that is slowly becoming financially stable.. I was talking to someone about a relationship they were in... or actually not in anymore... and I said something to the effect that everyone has their issues.. we all are broken to some degree. As we grow older.. we tend to show our cracks even more.. but a solid relationship is where both sides bring something to the table... Each person should weigh the positive and negatives and figure out if the scale tips in the positive direction. I would say that I've made my life pretty clear... no one wants to become involved with me because they're afraid they'll hurt me.. I realized yesterday that it wasn't the end of the relationships that hurt as much as the things I was told over and over that turned out wasn't true. My last 2 relationships.. one started online / one offline... when they ended.. sure I was sad... a little hurt.. but no one came out and did something completely opposite of what they were saying.. that's my issue... I get hurt when either things turn out completely different than what's been said. I was told that my moving up here so close would severely adversely affect one relationship.. and I moved anyway.. for me.. and for the financial stability so I could support my daughters.. My last relationship was a bit of a shocker because after a year.. I was told that showing up at someone's house to give them a quick hug ...and then go to do my errands.. was an invasion of her space.. even though we were only seeing each other for an hour or so every couple of weeks.. it really wasn't much of a surprise though because I could see the signs... so ... no.. ends of relationships aren't what has gotten me so jaded and cynical.. I glance backward occasionally and realize that it might not have been done intentionally.. but by lying to yourself for so long about where you are.. and how you feel.. you can make such a negative impact on someone else. I would really rather someone just come out and tell me.. "I want to just meet and fuck your brains out, with no emotional connection." I actually don't think I could do that.. as my mind is a part of something that intimate.. and it wouldn't let me have a clear conscience.. I would still respect someone who said that... rather than talk about a future and all the deep emotions they have.. until they suddenly decide otherwise..
I'm not concerned with rehashing this anymore.. it has permeated portions of my brain... not only happening with one person.. but with several.. So maybe I've gotten it all out of my head.. it doesn't belong in there anymore.
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