Live With My Frustration.

I think I'm a vampire... I thought maybe a werewolf.. or zombie.. but after considerable thought.. I'd say vampire.. I, on regular occasion, get this hunger... this feeling that I want to satiate a primal instinct... and it makes me be out of character for who I am.. I can fight it.. but it still grows stronger and stronger... but unlike a vampire, if I hold on for long enough.. this ...lust will pass.. and I'll be okay again.  I was thinking zombie because it makes me mindless for just a time.. like I just want.. braaaaiiinnns... well.. not brains.. but something..   still with a zombie.. that feeling never stops... with a werewolf.. you become mindless.. and animalistic.. but you're indiscriminate... I think with vampires, there is a high level of directed desire for a certain victim....a discriminating taste..

I'm just kidding of course.. but there is a lot to be said about our wants or desires that give us this uncomfortable yearning.. I am learning to master mine.. or at least control it.. I don't want to suck the soul out of anyone... hey.. that's a good thing.. right?  I am better suited to  keep my monsters hidden.. I think maybe we all have a bit of a monster inside of us.. that we keep buried.. something that makes us ache to be free.. to just set it free at least on occasion.. The big difference between us.. and animals.. is that we get to think about our actions afterward... and it can haunt our emotional state.  I guess that's why I keep my fantasies to myself most of the time.. I can flirt.. and banter.. and I know that's all it is.. because it can't be any more than that.  I place lots of limits on myself in this capacity.. because it makes life less complicated. ...and safer.. for me.. for those involved in my fantasies.. I deal with things most of the time in a logical manner.. but sex.. lust.. aren't logical at all.  I occasionally walk up to the line... but I've been able to keep myself in control and not step over any lines.. It's not really for my sake as much as it is for the sake of others..

So all is okay in my world... I keep telling myself that.. and I most of the time I believe it.. I didn't sleep well last night.. just so much keeps weighing on my mind.. and then at times.. certain events trigger even more pressure... so I do what the best thing I can do to keep myself sane.. I compartmentalize..  It helps me to deal with pressures at work.. and life in general.. I know that many people don't understand that... I realize that everyone has their own problems.. but I stay under a lot of pressure and really don't have an outlet for releasing that pressure... maybe I should take up a hobby.. but time constraints don't really allow that at the moment.. and .. it costs money for most hobbies.. plus.. I have this move...  Maybe I should just start throwing myself into that.. channeling my stress into a positive direction.. trying to be more productive... There are a lot of things I would like to do.. or say.. but it seems at the moment.. I'll just have to... live with my frustration.