There's Still Much I Need To Learn

It's early... too early for me to be getting up,  as I generally have the day off.  Instead I lay in the bed for almost an hour contemplating things... evidently this blog isn't doing a good enough job of getting things out of my head and out into the open to deal with them.  I feel like I have a handle on most things I can control.. but at the moment my life has little in it I can control.  I told a friend that all you can do is concentrate on the things you can make changes or improvements... and I keep saying that here... it's just not as simple as that. We have to make choices when it comes to those changes... Are we willing to sacrifice the stability of our lives as it is... just to take a chance that it might become better, but at the same time, it might become worse. We have to step out on faith.. We have to believe in ourselves... and that maybe there is a power somewhere that will help us when it really comes down to the rock bottom. I've never hit rock bottom... but I can remember being much, much worse shape both mentally and emotionally than I am now... I suppose I take that for granted. I can sit here and bitch and moan about how it's all so scary... about how things are up in the air and my life is stagnant... but really at the moment it's all because I don't have the faith in me... and my decisions... I'm drawing on my faith in God to help me through any hard times that might soon arise. Throughout all the bad stuff I've done, I still hold on to that part of my Christianity that has helped me with the darkest moments in my life.  I know a lot of people in this world have turned from a belief in any higher power... and I'm not saying that I can just do what I want and things will be okay... But if I put forth a solid effort to make things better... I know they will be.. at some point.  No one said that life is or will be easy... We have a generation of people who aren't prepared for how difficult it can be.  Because they've been given whatever they need.  I'm not saying that it's not great to be given things, but we also have to learn to work for the things that really matter in our lives.  I think that's part of the problem with me.. and with others I know... we keep wondering... why is my life like this... when is something going to happen to me... but in all reality we take such a passive role in our own lives that we don't see opportunities we miss. I'm not saying we don't try... or that we don't make an effort. I'm saying that we make an effort on the things that we feel we have to do... and then think it all just falls into place. I'm learning that it's not like that.  I have always said that I'm not into passive behavior, yet if I take a good look at myself, I see a pattern of passive behavior in my life. Sure, I make occasional active risks or decisions, but I haven't developed enough strength of faith in myself to keep the continuous journey up... I do something.. then wait.. do something a bit later.. then wait... Things rarely get accomplished in that manner.. at  least not the important things.

I try to sound all zen and shit... but I'm learning it all just like anyone else... I've just had more experience at failure and what doesn't work... There's still much I need to learn.