Under my Hat

Another day of retail therapy... I enjoy shopping. But it's also nice to just get out of the house for a bit. I spent some time just driving... looking at the landscape along the way. I think many of us forget to enjoy the journey as we travel... It's the same with life... we keep looking for a destination that may never happen... either with someone... or maybe a long-term goal we've set for ourselves. In either case, we stay so focused on where we are going.. we don't see where we are currently at in our lives. I enjoy the people I have been in contact with... even if that number isn't very many. The people in my life are those that choose to be, and to me, that means more than someone who feels they have to be a part of my life out of obligation. My tendency to listen has brought a few people into my life, and they've become decent friends. That's really all I'm currently looking for... something with no pressure. Friendship seems to be somewhat ebbin...

I didn't realize how boring this time off was going to be... I am now on my 10th day off and I'm looking forward a bit to going back to work. Part of me wants to be completely lazy, and part of me wants to find something productive to do. The problem is... the lazy brain has taken control. I do need to get the oil changed in my car... and I have a few projects to work on ... I think a part of me needs procrastination. Evidently there are a lot of parts of me... and they all want different things. That could be why there is conflict that arises inside of me on occasion. I'm pretty self-aware these days, and I see what's going on inside my head. I don't mind the conflict, as I have always been one for discussion. I haven't really seen a whole lot from many of my friends this season. I have reached out and said hi... and that's about all I got in return. I don't want to impose on anyone... and I'm pretty sure I have more free time currently than anyone ...

Well... I got my holiday shopping done... at least most of it... the stuff that counts... I wanted to go shopping with my daughters, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen... Even when I suggested a virtual shopping trip at Amazon, they weren't too enthused. It just doesn't seem like a holiday season this year, but I refuse to let it get me down. I'm a man of faith in God... I don't think I say that often enough... but I try to live as a Christian... in doing that, I have to let a lot of stuff go. I know I always say to change what I can... and have faith that things will work out how they are supposed to... and I truly believe that. I'm not saying that things are going to work out how we want them to. I am certain that there is a plan in place... but we also have free will to try to muck up that plan... and most of the time we get in our own way and try to have things the way we see they should be. I'm humble enough to know that I don't kno...

This year is a bit messed up... as if you didn't know that already. I actually got to talk to my daughter for her birthday for a few minutes, but this is the first birthday I haven't been around. It's her 18th. I feel like a bad father for not spending more time with her... I made the suggestion that we could go online shopping together, but she didn't seem up for it at the moment. Her mom had just brought in a cake. I thought that blogging about it would make it a bit better, but it just drudges up more sadness... I haven't done a whole lot this weekend... and I still have 15 days before I have to go back to work. I plan on going out and getting a few gifts tomorrow ...and maybe the next day. I don't really know who I need to buy for... I know a few of my friends have bought me something. I remember the best gifts I ever made was years ago... I spent several days canning... and also made apple butter and applesauce... put ribbons and cloth material on mason ja...

I told someone just a few minutes ago, that I celebrate my "differentness." I actually am quite proud of the fact that I don't become someone that people expect me to be... just for their benefit. I'm pretty sure there are those that think I'm trying to be obnoxious... or maybe just irritating, but in reality I just refuse to surrender control of who I am. That person is someone I've taken a long time to become... and it's someone I can be proud of. I will reiterate that I do make my share of mistakes... and I'm not perfect. But I'm perfect for me. I don't feel as though I need to explain my thoughts or actions, but I'm okay with doing so if someone asks. I like the interaction in my life... what little of it there is presently. If being more social means that I have to become someone else... I choose to remain anti-social. I've had many people who have entered and left my life at various times... I suppose you can say I entered and lef...

Lots of snow here... it's also my last day of work this year... luckily I got permission to telework it... I do actually plan on getting some work done. I found some old hard drives and put them into a drive reader yesterday... and I ran into a lot of old file... pictures I don't even remember... movie files... and now my song collection is vast. I put them all on a 12 TB drive I bought on Prime day. When I bought it, it was on a whim. I have a tendency to do that... If something is a great deal... and I think I might need it... at least before an expiration date, I stash it somewhere for future use. I do that with food too... but then I'll pull out a can I forgot I had and it expired like a year ago. I'm trying to work on improving my usage on stuff like that. Maybe I have a disease or something. I tend to be a bit of a hoarder... but then I watch the shows on TLC and realize I have nowhere near the problem they have. I keep buying more and more stuff, and rarely do I ...

I have the song "White Christmas" stuck in my head... I really don't know why... I guess it's because I saw the post on Facebook last week where the Navy band did it. I'm a sucker for the classics. I even like to curl up on the couch and watch an old black and white movie on occasion that I have no idea about. Even though I don't consider myself a "couch potato" ...I have spent enough time there to have watched most movies and Netflix shows in existance... well... those that seem to appeal to me. I like to try new things. I understand being comfortable in the ways that are more familiar, but it's nice to explore more of what life has to offer. I've always tried to be open-minded in this respect. I scoff at people who look at something and say, that doesn't look appealing, I'm not going to try it... especially in the avenue of food experiences. I've gotten my friends to try much more than they would ever consider. Now, even I have ...

Woot!! another long weekend. I just decided to take tomorrow off on the spur of the moment.... I got lots of stuff done today... worked hard, and now I'm reaping the benefits of it. I will admit, it would be much nicer to go out and do something with someone, and I'd like to take a drive in the mountains this weekend and just get away, but I'm not even sure that's gonna happen. I'm a little lacking of motivation at the moment... again. It's not a bad thing. I don't feel sad... or depressed... just indifferent about making a concerted effort to do anything productive. It would be nice to just travel for the two weeks I have coming up... but with the way things are... that doesn't even sound appealing. I'm much more satisfied with how my life is drifting at the moment... and if something comes along to motivate me, then I'll head in that direction. At the moment, I just appreciate all the things life is offering me without having to push myself to ...

Ugghh... Monday morning... it was not really a spectacular weekend, but it was a nice break. Now I have to get back to work. I need to get all kinds of stuff accomplished in the next 10 days. Then I'm off for 2 weeks. I had planned on going back to Kentucky, but that doesn't seem to be able to work out now. I feel like Christmas this year is sneaking up on me and even though I've had plenty of time, I haven't been out to do much. I'm even more concerned that I won't have much free time from now until the holiday to plan or prepare if I, by some miracle, actually end up going on my trip. I can sense it's starting to affect my disposition just a little bit... I'm going to try to take my own advice... I'll do what I can... make the changes I can... and try not to worry about the rest of it. I'm pretty sure it's not going to be that simple, but at least I'll make the effort. I know that attitude is quite a bit different than it was a few yea...

Another weekend comes... and is almost over. That's okay.. there will be more. Many times people are in a hurry to get to the next day... then the next ... and so forth. Most of our life is spent hoping that things will improve. It's like everyone is waiting on something to happen. I've heard several people say... things will change for the better... and I'm a firm believer that they will not change of their own accord... Things only go in the direction you put them into motion, and if you choose not to take an active role in your life, then you can't blame anyone when you get stuck in that rut... I've recently said that there are always repercussions to our actions... and that goes for the good stuff as well as the bad. If someone is living their life the same way they always have, not making any effort, then their life won't get better. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I'm...

I had planned to sit here and spout out all kinds of pearls of wisdom from my mind... lay my soul out there for everyone to see... and then I realized that it doesn't matter if anyone sees this. I feel like this blog "therapy" is just a was to express myself and how I feel. That's mostly what it has been all along. For those that happen across these posts, you're more than welcome to peruse the archive of my collection of ramblings... but that doesn't really matter either. I come here to state what I feel or believe. That's it. After all, the title of this blog is "Under My Hat" ...it's my hat... my mind... my thoughts... Does that make me always right? ...of course it does. :D ...but only here in my head. I've had stated time and time again that I've made more than my share of mistakes, and that I'll keep on making them. That's okay. If we can't deal with, and accept, our shortcomings... we won't be able to be happy ...

...another week. I stayed up wayyyyyyy too late last night playing World of Warcraft. I think it's starting to become too much of a negative influence in my life, so I need to cut back a bit. I do enjoy it, but I was close to getting my first character to max level again, so I pushed myself to finish... instead of waiting until today to do it. It wasn't going to kill me to wait, but for some reason, I lost control of my sanity and was up until nearly 1, knowing that I had to be up for work today. Luckily it's a telework day, so my shower will wait until I take my first break. I'm in sweatpants and a t-shirt... not exactly the proper uniform, but I never wear one on my telework days anyway. I think maybe I'm starting to get a bit lacksidasical in my life. I usually try to hold myself to a higher standard, but for some reason, my motivation factor seems to be off. I know it's just a temporary thing. I shouldn't have any problem picking myself up and resuming m...

So... it finally happened... at least for now. My overtime is no more. We'll see how long that lasts. They have someone in each of my 4 positions I've been covering, even though they are temporary contract people. They think I'll continue covering those positions as support along with my current position... well... I don't think it'll work out quite like that. I've had them do this before, then in less than 2 weeks, they'll ask me if I could stay over and do this... or do that.. and before you know it... I'm back on overtime again. I am not sure I'll be getting to go home for the holidays this year. Stupid virus! Right now the transmission rate is at its worst and my daughters are more concerned than ever. My ex disinfects everything she brings into the house... even the food. I have to hand it to her, she was pretty anal retentive when it comes to germs. I suppose some people are just like that. I know I'm a stubborn person too, I just try to r...

I tend to get quiet on the weekends most of the time... I try to keep busy when I have a whole day alone, but it doesn't always work out that way. I do have friends that call, but most of the time I end up being a sounding board for them. I'm okay with that. It gives me a chance to feel like I'm doing something for someone else, and I learn more about how other people have much more issues that I do. I am somewhat lucky in the way things go in my life. I don't have to worry about much of anything. I remember times in my life where I thought that just because I didn't have a close relationship with someone, that nothing substantial existed in my life. I have my kids, my health... and so much more. I really don't have to worry about anything other than what I choose to overreact to. I think that's the way it is with most people. Lots of people in this world don't have the ability to see the big picture. I also believe that most tend to overdramatize their ...

I spent 18 hours yesterday playing World of Warcraft... don't judge me. ...or do.. I am okay with that too... I am on a vacation this week. That means I get to do whatever I want... within reason of course. I was planning on being more productive, but it's not the end of the world if I'm not. It was the release of the new Shadowlands expansion. Seems pretty fun now... especially on my first character. We'll see how detailed it gets later. I do miss playing with other people. I guess I'm just not the social player anymore. I know a couple of people who have expressed interest in getting started playing, but nothing more than a passing interest. I suppose I'll just continue in the manner I have. I popped on the site a couple of times... I like the interaction there, even though there's really not a whole lot of people now. It's a chance for me to be spontaneous. I throw out whatever happens to go through my mind on the subject matter. Most of the time I ...

Officially, my first day off is tomorrow... and I am torn between being lazy and doing nothing but playing WoW... or actually trying to get things done. I won't know until it happens. I don't do a whole lot of planning on any level these days. I enjoy taking each day as it comes... and dealing with it as I feel in the moment. Doesn't mean I don't care... it just means that I refuse to let life make me worry about the day to day stuff that really doesn't matter. My housemate is having severe issues with her back. I feel very badly for her, but there's not a whole lot I can do. I hope that her issues are something someone can fix. Her son spends some time here... and I find he is a good kid, but has the anxiousness of a 17 year old... since that's what he is. I remember back when I was 17... and I thought the whole world was ahead of me... that as I grew older I was going to tame my world and have complete control over everything... HAHAHAHAHAHA! As I'v...

I'm supposed to be teleworking... but my mind is so overloaded with all the stuff I have to accomplish, I'm taking a break from thinking about any of it... at least for a short bit... I have a webinar I have to attend from 3 - 5 today... about the IT video surveillance on center. It really shouldn't fall to me, but I've had to end up doing so much outside my position description that I really don't think about it anymore... at least for the most part. I tend to do as much as I can and try to make myself indespenible. I guess it sorta paid off because I just got a nice bonus at work. Money isn't really an issue right now. I have made 3x the amount this year than I've made any other year... actually I will almost reach my salary cap... meaning if I work anymore... it'll be for free. Luckily I won't hit that... but it's something I'll have to keep in mind for next year. When I put it down like that, it sorta seems like I'm bragging... but I ...

Lots of stuff happening at work... and I've got to try to squeeze it in ... in 4 days... I go on a 10 day vacation starting Friday... not going anywhere... just need to get some time taken. I figure I can spend some time just doing nothing in particular... I'm also thinking I can get a few odd jobs around the house done. I need to fix a kitchen drain... I also need to cut a tree that's trying to grow through my front porch... it's not big, but it keeps coming back after I cut it... and it spreads wider... I've even tried rubbing salt on the small stumps, but nothing seems to get rid of it. It's like some people... very intrusive and doesn't know when to go away. I guess I'm like that at times, but I try not to assume anything. If people want me away, they need to say something... and maybe I'll listen.. maybe I won't.. I am the type of person that will distance myself from anyone who chooses not to be a part of my life. It's strange though.....

 I had a pedicure yesterday, and it was awesome.... I wonder why it is that every nails place I've ever been to seems to be run by Southeast Asians... I'm not trying to stereotype, but it just seems to be an enormous trend.  I also spent much of the day trying to get back into World of Warcraft... I'm not sure that's my best move, as I remember getting somewhat addicted to it in the past... but I think I have a level head on my shoulders about it and it won't end up dictating my life. They have "nerfed" the levels and squished them down to level 50... until the new expansion.... I sound like such a nerd... but so what... I find that I enjoy that... and if it makes me a nerd.. so be it.  I have a lot of stuff happening at work... and not a whole lot of time to do it.. it's getting closer and closer to the holiday season... and I am taking the whole week of Thanksgiving off... the last 2 weeks of December... and most Fridays between now and then.. except...

I sorta wonder if maybe I try to keep some things from myself by not talking about them. I mean... there are several areas in my life that I choose to keep quiet about... and after giving it a bit of thought... I'm thinking that I just want to hang on to a few private issues that maybe I don't want to share. That's a bit unlike me though, because I've always thought of myself as an open book when it comes to what's in my head... maybe it's because I know certain people read my blog and I don't want them to know... whatever it is... I'm not sure I like the secrecy in my own mind. I'm sure I'll be more than willing to talk about things as time moves on and they don't weigh on me. I have several things in my life that I think about... intimacy, family life, my job, friends, my future... etc. "etc." is a powerful word... it can incorporate a large number of vague things, thoughts or ideas. I know I'm picking apart my brain when...

 It's been a short weekend.. not much happening in my world... but I've spent some time with retail therapy. I think I will probably end up spending more time playing World of Warcraft today... I need to start getting adjusted to the new game content. I can appreciate having some time to myself.  It seems like I have lots of friends that want to take up time in my life... which is entirely okay... but I don't want to lose the "me" time I have. I am always a little concerned with that. I enjoy interaction with others... but I like time to self-reflect. I know some people don't understand that... but that's not up to them to agree. I still maintain control over my life. I don't ever intend on giving that up. I decided to go out shopping yesterday. Maybe I have a bit of a problem with spending money... but I have a bit saved up. I'm hoping to give a few people a good Christmas this time... I was also told recently that I'm difficult to buy for...b...

 I can sit here... and I write... and the things I write may or may not have influence upon other people. It really doesn't matter. I don't blog for others... I blog just so that I can get out those things in my head that I might not be able to express elsewhere.... well... without stirring up a major argument, anyway. The nice thing about my blogging is that people have a choice about reading it... and if they agree or disagree... it doesn't really matter. That's what I try to base my attitude and actions on... I am the one who stands responsible for what I say and do... just as others have to account for their actions.... and for the most part... that should have little to no effect on me. We all have attitudes, opinions... and yes.. even judgements... even though we have no right to violate the rights of others, there is no way we can go without forming those opinions and judgements... not only concerning other people, but also about everything we come in contact wit...

 So... the election was yesterday... and it's still going on... and I have a feeling it'll go on for awhile... even if it's decided... because most people can't accept reality... Do I think that mail in voting allows a better opportunity for cheating?? ...sure... but that's a part of life... you have to accept that most things are not completely on the level because people cannot bear the thought of losing. My issue is that when you cheat... or lie... you've lost... it might not be something that you cannot live with, but over time, people tend to lose more and more of themselves because they can't face truths. I know many people who lie to themselves so much that they really aren't in touch with the truth. It's actually a sad thing. There is a major difference when you say something sarcastically... or say something in fun.. knowing it's not true... and those things are usually agreed upon by everyone as being something funny.  Unfortunately som...

 I have learned that the dynamics of life change from day to day... and there are definitely no absolutes... I don't even remember most of what I write here... but it applies to how my life is going at the time... and it involves the way I feel about things at the time.  For the most part, I tend to change very little from day to day in my overall attitude, but becoming a better person isn't generally about drastic change all of a sudden.. It's more about a slow, solid change over a long span of time.  I do feel I have that down pretty good... I'm not trying to become someone different... I'm just trying to be a little bit better of a person today than I was the day before.  Sometimes events happen and I find myself backsliding into patterns I thought I left behind, but I tend to shake myself of those habits before they bear a strong influence in my life and who I am. I witness so many people who are not able to move forward with their lives because they evidently f...

 It's been a few weeks... and I've been out on another fire assignment ...for 21 more days... plus 2 travel days... it's good money... and other than my mortgage, I'm pretty much debt free now. That makes me pretty happy. I am also enjoying my job... I'm fully qualified now on ITSS, so I can take students out next fire season and get them qualified. Officially, I have to wait until they process my paperwork.. but it's a done deal. I'm staying super busy trying to catch up at work now... and there's so much to do.  I am still teleworking 2 days a week... and I am taking most Fridays off to get all my annual leave in.. I'm also taking the week of Thanksgiving... and the last 2 weeks of December off.. it should get it all burned so I can carry over my maximum of 240 hours.  I like to keep that bank in case something should happen. I'm hoping they hire someone full time for at least one of my other 3 positions... maybe even all 3.. but we'll have...

 It's semi-official... I just got a call today from my ITSS trainer on my last assignment... then later from the Planning section chief that's out there now... they want me back... I'm not fully qualified as I don't have my taskbook completely signed off on... but they must be desperate or something... there is no one else... and they need people. The fire is almost a million acres now... and has graduated to National incident management team... I'm a little concerned as there won't be anyone there to train me... as I'll have the whole thing by myself.  My last time out, there were 3 of us... I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen. I hope I don't have to set up anything from scratch as that's what I missed out on the last time I was out... I know what to do in theory... but it isn't exactly what I am ready for.. I don't generally get nervous when it comes to my IT work... but I want to do a good job... and things are consistently...

 So... another day... another dollar or two... I'm still a bit irritated at my uncle... you know... Sam... he sucked away a lot of my fire detail paycheck... actually about 49 percent... but there's not much I can do about that.  I have the day off... as I need to schedule 19 days before the end of the year or I lose them... I can only carry over 6 weeks into the next year, and as busy as I've been... I will have 6 weeks and 19 days... well.. not now.. I have most of them scheduled... as long as I don't have to reschedule due to something coming up... I'll be okay... I got caught up this morning on taxes... insurance... all kinds of other stuff.. vehicle registration... now I just need to get it inspected... I also need a new battery I think.. minor things to do, so I'm am not all that worried about it... I'll get to it when I do.. I need to go out some... The fear of getting sick has brought down the quality of life a bit... not so much as I don't still...

 I'm actually starting to catch up... on work... life... finances.. everything is falling into place. This CoVID thing has social activities pretty screwed up... so I'm not all that worried about getting out much... I know lots of people are having to adjust to a new lifestyle... I might end up doing that too... but the only major thing is making sure I have a mask with me. I have been trying to keep up with too much until just lately... now I do what I can... and let the rest go. It's much more satisfying to not worry about other people... I guess it's one of those "Fake it until you make it" things... I said I didn't for a long time... but there were still little voices inside me that wondered why certain things were the way they were.. I would always just stifle those voices and give them no control... and now... I don't really hear them anymore... I am pretty content with just being who I am... and I've accepted that there are some things I can...

 Hey... it's me again... for awhile now I really just haven't felt like posting... not that I felt badly... or that my life was in an uproar... but I have decided that in order to be happy, one should do what he/she feels like doing and maintain as much control over the life they have, rather than do things out of obligation. I don't really have anyone I have to answer to... nor explain myself to... and I'm pretty happy with that. Life is filled with enough obligations already... and to needlessly add more just gives a heavier burden on ourselves.  a lot has changed since my last post... I'm still working a lot, but for the most part... I have a lot of autonomous-ness in the way I live. I still have the housemate, definitely platonic... but it's handy to have someone to talk to on occasion. and when I leave out on details... someone is around to watch the house... although she has lived here a year and a half now... we said at the beginning "two years max...