Under my Hat

So... Easter Sunday is here.. finally end of Lent.. and I can look at who has visited my blog again.. well.. guess what.. I really don't care.. I haven't looked yet.. and I'm doubting at the moment that I'm going to.  I think that we all like to know what is going on with other people in our lives.. but for the most part.. I'm not in anyone else's life.. my past is over.. and I don't plan on anything for the future... so why would I care.  I thought at one time that my blog was one of the most important things in my life... and I will admit, I still use it as a sounding board.. but it's just a way for me to get my thoughts out. I had to get out of bed this morning... I lay there for about 15 minutes.. not moving.. just thinking.  I wondered why I really needed to get up... but then I was wondering why I just wanted to lie there.  After awhile I realized that I just needed to move.. to feel like I had some life left in me.  I think there are people in m...

I don't know why exactly but I feel like crap.. maybe I'm letting everything from everywhere get to me.. it seems like at the moment.. I have very little reason for living.. no.. I'm not going suicidal or anything.. I just don't have any motivating factor to help me press on.. I am living... just for the sake of existing now... it's not like I really feel any change taking place from my stagnant life.. and it's starting to get to me. I put up with the crap at work.. the crap from home.. the crap from my dad.. it's all just.. there.. and there is nothing I can do about any of it.. not yet, anyway.  There are times when I would just love to get in my car.. and drive until I run out of gas.. then look around and say... this is it... this is where I am now... so life.. deal with it.  ...but I was raised to be a responsible adult.. and I do still have some responsibilities to take care of.  I have obligations to my daughters.. and as messed up as it sounds.. I st...

One "heckuva" week..  I'm a bit tired of doing so much crap at work... and not getting anything extra for it. I guess I should be grateful that I even have a job.... and that's part of what gets me through the weeks that I have to cover for so many people.  ...another part is the realization that it won't be long now before the center isn't there.. and I will be enjoying just a bit of freedom. I have to admit that moving away does bring up a little anxiety.. especially since I don't know how things are going to work out one.... but the fact remains that I do have faith in God to lead me through it.  I don't talk very much about my belief... but I have a very strong belief.. even if it isn't what I was brought up with. I've given myself credit for getting through a lot of what I have come through... when in fact... a lot of it is my faith in God that helps me more than anything. I don't go to church very often... but that doesn't mean th...

So... yesterday went okay... I didn't pick many fights.. although my exposure to people was very light.  I am in a less hostile mood today.  I don't know where those feelings come from... and I really don't want to know.  I was just thinking about empowering people to make what I feel is stupid decisions.. is making me a contributing factor to all the crap.  I need to stop that.  If someone wants to destroy or impede their life.. by all means.. they should go ahead and do it.. but I don't want to be involved in supporting their downfall.  I feel like very few people in the world actually take the time to think through decisions... and sometimes they are bombarded by the fallout and don't realize it's the decisions they made long ago that caused it all in the first place.  Well.. wake up people.. you can't blame fate for something you've set in motion yourself... well.. I suppose you can blame whatever or whoever you want.... but that doesn't mean you...

I am in a confrontational mood this morning.. I really don't know why.. I just want to argue with anyone I get a chance to argue with.. even to the point where I might be mean.. why?  ...because I don't think that anyone has a clue what life is about.. and they expect everyone else to buy into their bullshit.  No.. there hasn't been anything happen to trigger this.. other than maybe a dream I had. People complain about life and how poorly it treats them... and then expect others to be sympathetic because they got the short end of the stick.. well.. most times, the bad things occur because we set ourselves up for them to happen.  If you want to do something about your problems.. then do something... but to complain.. day in and day out about the same issues... well.. that's not very constructive.  I guess I just realize that maybe I seem to complain more than some other people.. but I try not to do so... I accept a lot of things the way they are... and I have no right...

Have you ever noticed that in some friendships.. or any relationships.. it's usually one side that ends  up doing more of the work to keep the interaction going.  I don't have that problem with a few people.. but for some it's like the only time I will ever hear from them... is if I make the attempt to say hi... well.. I'm pretty much done with that.  It's the same as it was with my spouse.. ...I forgot that I had started this blog earlier today.. and I got interrupted.. duh.  Well.. I lost my train of thought about what I was saying.. but reading what I read... I just realize that I've always been the person to enable a relationship or friendship... when it should be something on an equal setting.  I am capable of being by myself.. or with someone who chooses my company.  I suppose in effect, we're all a bit needy.. a need for some companionship on occasion... actually it's not a need... but just a want.  I am glad of the people who pass through my ...

"Good people don't always have good experiences. And bad guys aren't automatically punished immediately for their transgressions. Natural justice usually takes time and often shows great subtlety in the way it carries itself out. Some people don't feel able to trust that and prefer more conventional forms of judgement and reward. They don't understand why those with kind hearts sometimes have hard times. Nor do you but this week, at least, that's not the case. For you, something very right is about to occur." That is my horoscope for tomorrow... I usually check it out at http://www.cainer.com/  it's amazing how accurate he is most of the time.. but I've blogged about it before.. I'm very skeptical about this one though.  I don't care if "bad guys" are punished or not.. but I don't see why those people with open and honest hearts are always going through such hard times... and I'm not even talking about relationships.. al...

I had an interesting conversation... and got to thinking about things... we choose to interact with certain people when they are a certain way... and some people take things to help them cope with life... I don't honestly approve.. but I can't say it's wrong either.  I've known people and actually worked with several students that were on medications to alter their behavior.. if I like someone.. do I actually like that person... or do I like that person on the medication.  I honestly don't know if I have an answer for that.  I think people believe that certain substances will make things go away.. but it doesn't.. it actually alters your perception of things.. and changes YOU.  Many people cannot handle certain medications because they don't fit into society's norm status when they are on them. Personally I like a little crazy in my life.. and I like it in my friends... there really is no such thing as normal... It's a myth developed by people to try...

Spring is here... doesn't really mean a whole lot.. but I think each spring I keep hoping that my life will start to bloom.. that things will really take off and I will actually end up where I am going.  That's what I keep hoping.. but the reality is that we have to make our lives bloom.. in any season.... in all actuality, things aren't that bad.  It's just nice not to have people in your life that will eventually pull you down.. My small number of friends are people that I've been very selective with.. and even then, I keep waiting for someone somewhere to completely throw me a curve and lie to me.. I can pretty much handle it if and when it does happen.. because I still have trust issues. I don't know if I will ever let anyone extremely close to me.  Just because I share my deep thoughts and ideas.. the personal crap in my life.. doesn't mean I've let anyone become a part of my soul.  I try to be open and honest with anyone and everyone.. at least tho...

I know that at times.. we all think about doing really stupid stuff.. I wonder what exactly it is that keeps us in check.. some would say that our experiences will remind us of what some of the consequences are.. but what if there were no consequences.. would we just go out and do whatever strikes our fancy whenever we want?  I think there are many elements that we have to consider.. yes.. the resulting outcome would be a major one.. but we are all instilled with some form of ethics that keeps us from doing things that might be harmful to others.. even as far as feelings go.. but there are times when we forget about that.. or the temptation to do things are greater than our basic code of morals. We have to consider sometimes what exactly our morals are.. I like to think that I am a person of higher morals.. but I have cheated on my spouse.  I justify it by my situation that I was put in.. but part of the responsibility of that is mine in itself. So we can pretend that we are t...

Too many times we try to live our life like we know what's going to happen next.. like there is some sort of plan.. then we end up having to change everything just to meet the next obstacle that life throws at us.... sure.. it's great to have a loose idea of what we hope to accomplish.. but if we cannot adjust to the curves.. then we'll end up spending all of our time in a frantic rush to try to make sense of it all.  People come into and go out of our lives.. and I believe it's for a purpose.... if nothing more than.. "oh.. I was here in your life.. and now you don't have any control of my staying in it"  ...we lose people close to us.. either by them walking away... or maybe even death... it's at that point we try to second guess all of our actions with them... did I treat them the way I should have... what could I have done to make them more a part of my life... it really doesn't matter.. we're all going to have those conflicting feelings th...

Back to work.. a bit difficult to get up this morning... I'm not sleeping the whole night through anymore... not without my pain meds.. but I refuse to take them unless completely necessary... if I start getting run down because of not enough sleep I will take one to help me sleep... otherwise.. I will end up tossing them out in a month or two... I did wake up at 5 am without the help of the alarm clock.. which I thought was amazing... as I haven't conditioned my body to the new time change yet.  I am glad that I got a little time off.. but now.. it's back to business.  I'm certain things will be piled up for the week I was out... and I'm definitely not looking forward to it.... but I'll manage... I always do. I have been thinking about ...love.  Love is one of those words that we toss around like a football.. and we don't really mean it... but love is about our actions.... being there for someone when the worst happens... and not thinking about it...   ha...

I don't want any expectations put on me.. because I no longer put them on myself.. if I choose to be completely off kilter.. and do things that are not me.. deal with it.  I, more than likely, have thought about what I'm doing.. and choose to make adjustments in my life.  I see me moving to a place where I can find peace and solitude in a crowd of people.. if that makes any sense.  Think about it.. when you are in a crowded place.. how many times do you pay any attention to small details on particular people. I'm not that noticeable in a crowd.. and I look forward to getting lost in the hustle and bustle of a larger city.. whether it be going out to the mall.. or to the park.. or even to a bar for a drink. I like busy places.. I like getting out.. and I'm tired of sitting at home.. night after night.. doing the same thing.  I know of many things I would do when I was in Nashville.. nothing outrageous.. just going out for awhile... I miss that. I moved back here due t...

Some people might think I was a little high on painkillers when I wrote yesterday's blog.... Yesterday was the first day this week I didn't have any painkillers whatsoever.  The discomfort is bearable now.  I never want to be dependent on drugs to enhance my mood.  I've met several people who actually might benefit from drugs... but that's another story altogether.  I am beginning to be open to the idea that I am and was wrong about a lot of things.  I still know how I feel.. and felt.. about people... about relationships... and there is no changing my mind.. not now.. not ever... I won't ever let that happen. They say that pain slowly dies with time... maybe physical pain.. yes.. but some of the mental pain I've suffered is as traumatic now.. as it was months and months ago. I still feel that the issues I've had to face have helped to shape me into the person I am now. I still have to take credit for the most part of it... because it has been my choice to r...

So.... everything seems to be healing.. and all looks like it's going to be okay.  I was talking with someone today.. and they were talking about being lonely... as far as relationships go.. and they were surprised that I said I sometimes felt that way too.. I'm still human, people.. no matter what some might think.. it's just that I don't feel like it's worth the pain and disappointment to go seeking something that is doomed to fail... and that's what online relationships are.. think of every other relationship you know... and what percentage of them actually work out... and those few that do work out.... look at how warped they are... definitely falling out of the range of normalcy. So, yes.. I believe that people can be happy for awhile... sometimes a decent range of time.. but the online world has screwed up most everyone's sense of realistic expectations... and when it comes time to live in the day to day world with someone.. it won't work.. because...

I can't seem to sleep for a long time... but when I wake up.... I'm groggy... better that than in much pain I suppose.  I'm still high posting.. gonna try to skip my next pain pill.. at 1... and see how long I can go without needing it... a little pain never hurt anyone. ...besides it's just physical.. if I can handle as much physical as emotional pain... I probably could have stayed awake during the procedure... I admit it.. I'm a wuss... when someone starts talking about chopping off pieces of my penis.. I kinda go to a place in my mind far away from reality... I start feeling the pain.. and I am afraid to face it completely.. so I popped the pain pills at the little 4 on their little "smiley face" pain chart ...which is fairly uncomfortable.. some pain... but nothing I couldn't manage my way through... I'm just afraid that by the time I need the medication.. it is going to take awhile to work.. THAT is what I don't want to face. I am needi...

Here it is.. almost 1 am.. and I can't seem to sleep... I think I slept too much yesterday... I tried to play WoW... but I'm not in the mood to do that either... I'm just not sure what I want to do at the moment.. and nothing sounds appealing. I can't really go anywhere... or do anything... and I don't feel like doing anything online either... so... I blogged... I have a feeling that there will be several blogs in the next few days... I don't know how many yet.. and most may be as pointless as this one.... I will just keep the drugs coming and the words flowing... and all will be right with the world again as soon as I get over this.  I don't have a check up until Friday of next week... but I plan on going back to work on Monday... it should be okay by then... I can feel it's about time for more pain medications... I can't seem to really focus on a whole lot when my penis starts hurting... it's not quite so severe.... but I can still tell that th...

I have decided that the person to invent painkillers should be given a medal... and at the moment... I would give that person a monetary award.  I survived my surgery.. and am now in the aftermath.... if my blog doesn't make sense... it's because I'm a bit high at the moment... which should be interesting all around.  I really don't care if anyone knows about what I had done... it was a circumcision... medically advised... and believe me... if it wasn't medically necessary, I would NOT have opted for it.  Having it done as an adult is a way more complicated procedure than as a child.. one thing about it... I wasn't awake for any of the cutting part... but the discomfort is still tremendous... I don't even know how long it will be this way... but I'm hoping for a very quick recovery. I don't mean my penis... I know it's gonna be circumcised from now on... I'm talking about the hobbling around. I didn't have that bad of an experience... at ...

One of the stranger things is... I am learning to accept the idea that most people can't be trusted.. and I actually like it like that... I don't want to trust anyone... not really, anyway.  I remember a time when I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt.... that I chose to believe the best in people... but anytime someone tells me something now... I don't think.. is this true... or not.. I have grown to the point where I don't care if it is true... it's not something that's going to affect me...  so I don't worry about it.  Some people have told me.. "you have to trust someone" .... why?  ...sometimes I don't even trust myself.. not that I blatantly lie to myself.. but I have found out in the past that I was mistaken on a number of things.. so to rely on anything completely is setting yourself up for disappointment. I am not down... or depressed.... I am just throwing my thoughts out there.  I worry that I will not be able to be there for my d...

I got to thinking about this.. and it's true.. I feel the strongest I've felt in years.. because I know that I can rely on just me.. and that it will be okay for me to do that.  I don't really need anyone else in my life.. but it's still nice to have a few friends that want to enjoy me.. being me.  I am thinking that I will start posting a few more pictures when I get the chance.. things that I want to hold on to.. or share with anyone who might be reading.  There is a lot of good advice out there... we just have to learn to be selective and pick only the advice that pertains to us.  I have a tendency to ramble on about things.. and then someone gets all butt-hurt thinking that I was picking on them.. I say things that go through my mind... if someone can't handle that.. don't read.  I don't intend on changing who I am for anyone.... and I'm happy that way.

Don't get me wrong... I am good where I am now.. but I got to thinking how I got here.. yes.. it's my decision to be who I am.. and act the way I do... but it's in response to the situations I put myself in... At one time.. I did believe in the whole.. "happily ever after" ... and who knows ... it might be out there somewhere... but so is the winning lottery ticket.  I know how I have felt in the past.. and there has been maybe once where I looked forward to my future.. For most of the rest of it.. I have just dealt with my present.. and tried to hope that the future would work out. ...Now.. I am living in the present.. and I don't care what the future holds.. I have been the peg to fill in the hole in someone's life for most of my life... and I get that.. I won't allow myself to ever feel that I am not a peg.. and can removed at a moment's notice.  I support my friends... at least emotionally.. I support my family.. financially.. but more than any...

...back for another pre-op.. this one should go okay.. or at least that's the plan.  I am not that concerned about the operation itself.. something that needs to be done.. I've made my peace with that already.  I will be off for all of next week.. so I figure I'll probably sleep a lot and be pretty bored.  I just need to disclaim that anything I say that week.. needs to be taken with a grain of salt.. because I'm not quite certain how rude and obnoxious I might get on pain meds.. of course some people might consider that normal for me.  I will have a semi-decent excuse for my behavior.. not that I really need one.  I have always tried to be me.. and I will continue to do so.... if that's not good enough for some people.. go away.  I make no excuses about who I am... and I am done pretending ...just in order to please other people. I am still living in limbo.. at home.. and at work.  I figured that the disposition to my situation would take awhile to re...

I was up at 4 am this morning... dreamed I ate a battery... knew it was bad for me.. and was trying to throw it up... but the only thing that came out was a tiny spring and a 9-volt connector.... then I woke up.  I lay in bed for about 30 - 45 minutes... and finally realized that my sleep was over.  I got to thinking about my class.. and the center... and then life in general... I don't know what prompted all this thinking.... but sometimes, that's just the way it is.  I make a lot of generalizations about life.. and about people.. here in my blog... but I can only speak for what I've witnessed... but I'm old enough now to have a pretty good sampling of data to make certain generalizations. ...it seems as though my heart is physically in good shape... go figure... I guess I've put it through enough that it's had to become tough.  I do realize that I need to take better care of myself.. the problem is that I really don't have the motivation to do so.  It'...