I Won't Ever Be Willing To Do That.

So.... everything seems to be healing.. and all looks like it's going to be okay.  I was talking with someone today.. and they were talking about being lonely... as far as relationships go.. and they were surprised that I said I sometimes felt that way too.. I'm still human, people.. no matter what some might think.. it's just that I don't feel like it's worth the pain and disappointment to go seeking something that is doomed to fail... and that's what online relationships are.. think of every other relationship you know... and what percentage of them actually work out... and those few that do work out.... look at how warped they are... definitely falling out of the range of normalcy. So, yes.. I believe that people can be happy for awhile... sometimes a decent range of time.. but the online world has screwed up most everyone's sense of realistic expectations... and when it comes time to live in the day to day world with someone.. it won't work.. because it's not what anyone expects.  People get to see the best part of other people.. and that's most of all they see... not stuff like... forgetting to put the cap on the toothpaste... not taking out the trash... I know none of that seems important if you're in "love" ...but it seriously does.. because thousands of little things can grow into one huge thing.  You cannot know that you love someone based on a superficial relationship over a distance... where all that is discovered about another is what they want you to see... there is still a lot about someone that you cannot discover in an online relationship... and if there are several things you don't know.. you can't love them. ...I will go as far to say that you might love all that you know about them... but that's not everything.. and too many people want to love someone else.. just because they are lonely.. and that other person they are with... is a great person... well.. I've got news for you... you can't choose who you love.. it either just happens.. or it doesn't... and you telling yourself that you love another person.. because they are convenient.. and are a good person.. well.. that's just a recipe for disaster.. and eventual breaking up. I made the mistake of "loving" someone.. because I was lonely... and she was a very good person... a wonderful person.. and after we were married.. it slowly started slipping away... year after year.. it was just something that couldn't withstand the test of time.. no matter how much I wanted it to... and after many years... I realized that.. even though I had made a commitment.. and my daughters held me to that commitment.. because I do love them.. but at some point.. I had to do something... because I was back to being lonely again... well... I became involved a few times with people who I thought I cared about.. and I saw a possible future with them... but was I in love?.. of course not... I lied about that.. and to this day... I feel badly about lying.  I loved what I knew.. and evidently they found out more about me not to love.. than I did about them... and they left.. looking back... I'm glad they did... because I wouldn't want anyone to get stuck in a commitment when they didn't have the feelings... I thought I had them.. but it really doesn't matter if I did.. or didn't.. the fact remains that their feelings weren't strong enough to warrant exploring what we had. No matter what path we choose in life.. when we involve others.. we have to consider that their path will take them away... sometimes willingly.. sometimes not.  So... do I get lonely?  Of course... but I understand what kind of commitment it takes to become involved on more than a friendship level.. and I'm not willing to put my heart out there again.. I won't ever be willing to do that..