That's The Only Way I Can Function.
I was up at 4 am this morning... dreamed I ate a battery... knew it was bad for me.. and was trying to throw it up... but the only thing that came out was a tiny spring and a 9-volt connector.... then I woke up. I lay in bed for about 30 - 45 minutes... and finally realized that my sleep was over. I got to thinking about my class.. and the center... and then life in general... I don't know what prompted all this thinking.... but sometimes, that's just the way it is. I make a lot of generalizations about life.. and about people.. here in my blog... but I can only speak for what I've witnessed... but I'm old enough now to have a pretty good sampling of data to make certain generalizations. ...it seems as though my heart is physically in good shape... go figure... I guess I've put it through enough that it's had to become tough. I do realize that I need to take better care of myself.. the problem is that I really don't have the motivation to do so. It's not like I really have any plans... not specific ones anyway... and no.. I'm not wanting to die... I just prefer to live comfortably now.. and not worry about the problems I face in the future. I have enough compromises in my life to take away my ability to justify living a bit unhealthily. I think most people sort of fall into that also... we all do things.. or live a certain way that negatively affects our physical or emotional well-being in the future... and anything that thinks they don't... doesn't have a grip on reality. We just have to prioritize our goals .... what we want to accomplish.. and where we want to be. I still don't have a clue in a lot of this.. and at times, I do make efforts to live a bit more healthily... but there are also times where I just throw my hands up and go with the moment...
I made the mistake of telling them it took 45 minutes last time I had the stress test run... so they bumped it up just a little.. at least moreso than my 2008 test. After 10 minutes at a very brisk pace up a decent incline.. my calf muscles were about to give out.. and I have some pretty big calf muscles... it would have been much easier if they would have allowed me to jog... but I guess the point was to get my h eart rate up... it worked... they took ultrasound of my heart before and after.. The result is that my heart is completely healthy.. so it looks like I might just live a bit longer... so I went out with my dad afterwards to dinner and enjoyed a huge country breakfast meal at Cracker Barrel with steak.. 3 eggs.. biscuits, hash brown casserole, basically assaulting my heart a bit for putting me through the whole ordeal in the first place.... but seriously, we think it could have been a machine malfunction... but more than likely it was the energy drinks I had been on for the past few weeks.. generally one each morning. In any case, it seems all is well now. Maybe I will start trying to exercise just a bit more... maybe I won't.. who knows... we'll see after my leg muscles get a little breather from the intense physical workout I just put them through.
I am thinking that when I get out of here... and hopefully that won't be long.. I will become a bit more active... doesn't mean I'm going to start dating or anything like that... My trust issues are something I don't see myself overcoming... not because I don't want to trust anyone.. but because I know that even if I see myself trusting.. I am always wrong for doing so... at least in trusting to the point of maintaining a relationship... I can look at my mental well being as it is now.. and it gives me the motivation to stay out of relationships. I enjoy my limited interaction that I currently have... and feel that it would be stupid of me to jeopardize my mental state on any passing whims... and to be perfectly honest... I don't have even the slightest desire to be in a relationship. I like not having anyone count on me for anything.. and I won't be able to depend on anyone else for my well-being. It's just not in me anymore... Everyone in my life understands that.. and that's the only way I can function.
I made the mistake of telling them it took 45 minutes last time I had the stress test run... so they bumped it up just a little.. at least moreso than my 2008 test. After 10 minutes at a very brisk pace up a decent incline.. my calf muscles were about to give out.. and I have some pretty big calf muscles... it would have been much easier if they would have allowed me to jog... but I guess the point was to get my h eart rate up... it worked... they took ultrasound of my heart before and after.. The result is that my heart is completely healthy.. so it looks like I might just live a bit longer... so I went out with my dad afterwards to dinner and enjoyed a huge country breakfast meal at Cracker Barrel with steak.. 3 eggs.. biscuits, hash brown casserole, basically assaulting my heart a bit for putting me through the whole ordeal in the first place.... but seriously, we think it could have been a machine malfunction... but more than likely it was the energy drinks I had been on for the past few weeks.. generally one each morning. In any case, it seems all is well now. Maybe I will start trying to exercise just a bit more... maybe I won't.. who knows... we'll see after my leg muscles get a little breather from the intense physical workout I just put them through.
I am thinking that when I get out of here... and hopefully that won't be long.. I will become a bit more active... doesn't mean I'm going to start dating or anything like that... My trust issues are something I don't see myself overcoming... not because I don't want to trust anyone.. but because I know that even if I see myself trusting.. I am always wrong for doing so... at least in trusting to the point of maintaining a relationship... I can look at my mental well being as it is now.. and it gives me the motivation to stay out of relationships. I enjoy my limited interaction that I currently have... and feel that it would be stupid of me to jeopardize my mental state on any passing whims... and to be perfectly honest... I don't have even the slightest desire to be in a relationship. I like not having anyone count on me for anything.. and I won't be able to depend on anyone else for my well-being. It's just not in me anymore... Everyone in my life understands that.. and that's the only way I can function.
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