In Real Life.
So... Easter Sunday is here.. finally end of Lent.. and I can look at who has visited my blog again.. well.. guess what.. I really don't care.. I haven't looked yet.. and I'm doubting at the moment that I'm going to. I think that we all like to know what is going on with other people in our lives.. but for the most part.. I'm not in anyone else's life.. my past is over.. and I don't plan on anything for the future... so why would I care. I thought at one time that my blog was one of the most important things in my life... and I will admit, I still use it as a sounding board.. but it's just a way for me to get my thoughts out.
I had to get out of bed this morning... I lay there for about 15 minutes.. not moving.. just thinking. I wondered why I really needed to get up... but then I was wondering why I just wanted to lie there. After awhile I realized that I just needed to move.. to feel like I had some life left in me. I think there are people in my life that suck the life out of me.. my Dad being the biggest contributor to that.. and my spouse is a close second... but now.. I have people at work that are making that list. It seems that there are so many people that want to tell me how to live my life.. or coerce me into making decisions or choices for my life... and I just want to do nothing at the moment.. I suppose that's why I wanted to stay in bed for so long yesterday... I just wanted all the outside influences to go away... and it was MY choice to stay in bed.. just like this morning.. I could lay there.. but it was MY choice to wake up. I feel like I have less and less to do with living my life. Of course I've spent the majority of my life putting others first.. and I will still put my daughters first. I just need to get a grip on reality and how things really are. I think we all like to escape from the real world every once in awhile... in whatever fashion... whether it be a book.. a game.. a show.. but then we get in our mind that things can be so much different than they are.. and sometimes we even long for a piece of what we had when we were distracted away from our real world... well.. it doesn't work that way.. fantasy is fantasy.. and reality is reality.. and almost never will those two worlds meet.
...I was thinking that I have to go to this dinner today.. I'm not even sure what time it is.. but I will go.. and I will be there... even if I won't be comfortable doing so. I get to looking at my sisters... and their lives.. and they've done all they wanted to do.. they've had someone supporting them financially, while they chase their dreams and have traveled.. gotten their degrees.. sure.. I got my degree.. bachelors.. but then I got married.. and when I tried to go back for a masters.. my spouse was a drain on me.. and I had to support both of us.. then my kids.. and now.. I could go back.. but then I wouldn't have the financial income to do that .. and support my family. I am wondering if I'm just in the biggest midlife crisis ever seen.. but I can remember feeling this way for over 10 years now. I just want to be me.. but there are so many factors that keep me from that. I feel like I open myself up to be depended on by people.. and then I get stuck. They can't help me and I feel like I end up draining myself for them. I'm okay with helping people.. in fact I love doing that.. but every so often.. I'd like a boost of some sort.. someone who can make a change in my life.. who can make an actually positive contribution.. I don't know what I really expect. ...It has been so long since I was just able to go out for a day with a friend.. and I'm not even talking about a male or female.. just a friend.. and do something fun... active.. I suppose I sort of set myself up for being in my room. I hope to change that sometime... In real life..
I had to get out of bed this morning... I lay there for about 15 minutes.. not moving.. just thinking. I wondered why I really needed to get up... but then I was wondering why I just wanted to lie there. After awhile I realized that I just needed to move.. to feel like I had some life left in me. I think there are people in my life that suck the life out of me.. my Dad being the biggest contributor to that.. and my spouse is a close second... but now.. I have people at work that are making that list. It seems that there are so many people that want to tell me how to live my life.. or coerce me into making decisions or choices for my life... and I just want to do nothing at the moment.. I suppose that's why I wanted to stay in bed for so long yesterday... I just wanted all the outside influences to go away... and it was MY choice to stay in bed.. just like this morning.. I could lay there.. but it was MY choice to wake up. I feel like I have less and less to do with living my life. Of course I've spent the majority of my life putting others first.. and I will still put my daughters first. I just need to get a grip on reality and how things really are. I think we all like to escape from the real world every once in awhile... in whatever fashion... whether it be a book.. a game.. a show.. but then we get in our mind that things can be so much different than they are.. and sometimes we even long for a piece of what we had when we were distracted away from our real world... well.. it doesn't work that way.. fantasy is fantasy.. and reality is reality.. and almost never will those two worlds meet.
...I was thinking that I have to go to this dinner today.. I'm not even sure what time it is.. but I will go.. and I will be there... even if I won't be comfortable doing so. I get to looking at my sisters... and their lives.. and they've done all they wanted to do.. they've had someone supporting them financially, while they chase their dreams and have traveled.. gotten their degrees.. sure.. I got my degree.. bachelors.. but then I got married.. and when I tried to go back for a masters.. my spouse was a drain on me.. and I had to support both of us.. then my kids.. and now.. I could go back.. but then I wouldn't have the financial income to do that .. and support my family. I am wondering if I'm just in the biggest midlife crisis ever seen.. but I can remember feeling this way for over 10 years now. I just want to be me.. but there are so many factors that keep me from that. I feel like I open myself up to be depended on by people.. and then I get stuck. They can't help me and I feel like I end up draining myself for them. I'm okay with helping people.. in fact I love doing that.. but every so often.. I'd like a boost of some sort.. someone who can make a change in my life.. who can make an actually positive contribution.. I don't know what I really expect. ...It has been so long since I was just able to go out for a day with a friend.. and I'm not even talking about a male or female.. just a friend.. and do something fun... active.. I suppose I sort of set myself up for being in my room. I hope to change that sometime... In real life..
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