I Will Continue To Grow.

One of the stranger things is... I am learning to accept the idea that most people can't be trusted.. and I actually like it like that... I don't want to trust anyone... not really, anyway.  I remember a time when I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt.... that I chose to believe the best in people... but anytime someone tells me something now... I don't think.. is this true... or not.. I have grown to the point where I don't care if it is true... it's not something that's going to affect me...  so I don't worry about it.  Some people have told me.. "you have to trust someone" .... why?  ...sometimes I don't even trust myself.. not that I blatantly lie to myself.. but I have found out in the past that I was mistaken on a number of things.. so to rely on anything completely is setting yourself up for disappointment. I am not down... or depressed.... I am just throwing my thoughts out there.  I worry that I will not be able to be there for my daughters when I move out... or that they won't be able to cope... but I think that is my subconscious... afraid to step out into the unknown.  I really don't fear the unknown anymore.... not for the most part  anyway. I like not having things planned out... it's a sense of adventure to just live my life day by day.  The certain thing is.. I'm going to be selfish.  I have to put me first.... no one else is going to.. and I wouldn't respect them if they did. I think people should learn to take care of themselves.. physically,  mentally, and emotionally.  Once you've failed in that department.. you've failed yourself. If you need someone else in your life to make you feel valued.. it's not you who is valued.. it's the person you require.  I like where I am.. and am making strides to take care of myself...  and that's good enough.  I can't pretend to be someone or something I am not.. well.... I can.. but then it's not me... and I've lied to myself again.  I hate doing that.  I am comfortable in my own skin.. but I will never be completely comfortable with those who come into and move out of my world.. why?... because I don't ... and won't trust them.. it's not a matter of choice... it's just who I am now.  Some people cannot understand that.... and that's okay.  They don't have to.. I guess part of it is paranoia brought on by my lifestyle the last few years... but the damage is done.. and I have no desire to try to fix it.  I brought it upon myself.. and have come to terms with it.  I thought at one time I am broken.. but I'm not.. I'm just growing in a different direction... sorta like the vine that has to grow around an obstacle in it's path.. I will continue to grow.

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