I'm Volatile.

I don't know why exactly but I feel like crap.. maybe I'm letting everything from everywhere get to me.. it seems like at the moment.. I have very little reason for living.. no.. I'm not going suicidal or anything.. I just don't have any motivating factor to help me press on.. I am living... just for the sake of existing now... it's not like I really feel any change taking place from my stagnant life.. and it's starting to get to me. I put up with the crap at work.. the crap from home.. the crap from my dad.. it's all just.. there.. and there is nothing I can do about any of it.. not yet, anyway.  There are times when I would just love to get in my car.. and drive until I run out of gas.. then look around and say... this is it... this is where I am now... so life.. deal with it.  ...but I was raised to be a responsible adult.. and I do still have some responsibilities to take care of.  I have obligations to my daughters.. and as messed up as it sounds.. I still feel somewhat of an obligation to my work.. my dad and my spouse... it's not like I'm going to just up and leave at a moment's notice.. although I'm fairly certain my spouse probably thinks I might..  My daughters are somewhat clueless about what's going on.. because I've done a good job of not involving them until it is time.... I made the mistake of broaching the subject with my oldest once before.. and her response wasn't positive.. but she did state that she didn't want to know any more about it until we had a plan worked out.  I don't know that I will ever have a plan exactly laid out.. but when I act.. it might be without out much planning at all.

I still play my game.. although it is becoming less and less of a distraction.. I don't even know why I play it sometimes... for some reason I don't get quite the same satisfaction from playing it that I once did.. but for now.. it's the best thing I've got... so it will have to do.  I woke up in the middle of the night.. and hopped online for about 10 minutes to play... but just didn't feel the motivation to play.. so I went back to sleep.. even though I went to bed at 7 pm.. and woke up after 9 am.. part of me just wanted to lie in bed all day... but the longer I lay there this morning, the more tired I became. I hope it's just a temporary phase..

I guess a part of me misses my mom on Easter.. she enjoyed all getting together... and it's difficult to do so without her.  I know I won't ever get over her passing.. but at times.. it seems hard to deal with.

Dad keeps pushing.. and pushing.. and pushing.. for just a little.. I'd not go to the Easter thing tomorrow.. but I know my girls would be very sad if I didn't.. so I'll try to muster up the energy to put on the disguise to cover how I'm really feeling... and make it through one day for them.

Work keeps demanding more and more from me.. at some point.. I will reach my limit.. I jumped all over my students a couple of days ago when I caught them playing games and sleeping when I was out of the room for awhile... I think I'm getting a little less tolerant for bullshit.. as it seems the world is full of it.  I really don't understand how people can treat each other the way they do.. and actually live with themselves.  I've done things in my past.. but I've tried to explain why... but I won't actively seek out people to mess up their lives.. I think that's why I don't contact my friends much.. but wait and let them contact me.. especially now... I'm selfish... I have to be.. I feel like sometimes I'm just barely holding on to sanity by a thread.. and I can feel that thread starting to break..  I don't really think I'll go insane.. but I just might snap.. and say something I'll regret.. because I don't have the capability to be pushed much more than I am now.. so just a little thing here or there.. could cause me to react.. I know I'll get over it.. and things will settle down... but for now I'm volatile.