I Adjust.
Back to work.. a bit difficult to get up this morning... I'm not sleeping the whole night through anymore... not without my pain meds.. but I refuse to take them unless completely necessary... if I start getting run down because of not enough sleep I will take one to help me sleep... otherwise.. I will end up tossing them out in a month or two... I did wake up at 5 am without the help of the alarm clock.. which I thought was amazing... as I haven't conditioned my body to the new time change yet. I am glad that I got a little time off.. but now.. it's back to business. I'm certain things will be piled up for the week I was out... and I'm definitely not looking forward to it.... but I'll manage... I always do.
I have been thinking about ...love. Love is one of those words that we toss around like a football.. and we don't really mean it... but love is about our actions.... being there for someone when the worst happens... and not thinking about it... having thoughts of a future with a person and not seeing a life without them... under any circumstances... love is about giving a part of yourself that you will generally hold away from everyone else... it's not jealous... it's not mean... it's not even worried that it will end. I have known love a couple of times.. true love... but I don't see it being a part of my life anymore.... and I am okay with that. I like my friends.... I like my social interaction as it is... I do love myself.... I know that sounds narcissistic, but you have to love who you are.. before you can expect others to love you... I don't really want love in my life anymore.... at least not the romantic love. There is a saying.. it is better to have loved and lost.. than to never have loved at all.. that's bullshit. If you love someone and they leave.. you don't stop loving tlhem... you just are left with an empty hole.. and try as you might to fill that hole.. you can't replace them.... so you have to just adjust to the hole being there.... but even if you love do end up loving someone else... the hole still exists.. your attention is just drawn away from it.... but for those that say they have loved many times... I feel badly for you if you are right.. because you must not have much of a heart left. I cared about people in my past.... but I haven't loved all of them.
I think that many times we have an idea of what we want in life.. and are disappointed when we don't get it.. that's natural. But we still have a standard... or a baseline for what we can feel.. or what we are looking for... it's the people who cannot adjust their way of thinking that end up miserable.. I've been miserable at times.. but I'm also been satisfied with my life.. and that's how I am now. I am satisfied.. Does that mean that I don't still have the holes left in my heart and soul... no.. I've just learned to live with them there. I cannot pretend that I don't see reminders of my past and get a little twinge every once in awhile.. but I go ahead with my life.. because I know that it is the way it is supposed to be.. and I am able to adjust to that. There are certain things in our life that we want.. and certain things we need.. I am a firm believer that God gives us every thing we need.. but not necessarily everything we want... and I use that belief to continue on my way.. I adjust.
I have been thinking about ...love. Love is one of those words that we toss around like a football.. and we don't really mean it... but love is about our actions.... being there for someone when the worst happens... and not thinking about it... having thoughts of a future with a person and not seeing a life without them... under any circumstances... love is about giving a part of yourself that you will generally hold away from everyone else... it's not jealous... it's not mean... it's not even worried that it will end. I have known love a couple of times.. true love... but I don't see it being a part of my life anymore.... and I am okay with that. I like my friends.... I like my social interaction as it is... I do love myself.... I know that sounds narcissistic, but you have to love who you are.. before you can expect others to love you... I don't really want love in my life anymore.... at least not the romantic love. There is a saying.. it is better to have loved and lost.. than to never have loved at all.. that's bullshit. If you love someone and they leave.. you don't stop loving tlhem... you just are left with an empty hole.. and try as you might to fill that hole.. you can't replace them.... so you have to just adjust to the hole being there.... but even if you love do end up loving someone else... the hole still exists.. your attention is just drawn away from it.... but for those that say they have loved many times... I feel badly for you if you are right.. because you must not have much of a heart left. I cared about people in my past.... but I haven't loved all of them.
I think that many times we have an idea of what we want in life.. and are disappointed when we don't get it.. that's natural. But we still have a standard... or a baseline for what we can feel.. or what we are looking for... it's the people who cannot adjust their way of thinking that end up miserable.. I've been miserable at times.. but I'm also been satisfied with my life.. and that's how I am now. I am satisfied.. Does that mean that I don't still have the holes left in my heart and soul... no.. I've just learned to live with them there. I cannot pretend that I don't see reminders of my past and get a little twinge every once in awhile.. but I go ahead with my life.. because I know that it is the way it is supposed to be.. and I am able to adjust to that. There are certain things in our life that we want.. and certain things we need.. I am a firm believer that God gives us every thing we need.. but not necessarily everything we want... and I use that belief to continue on my way.. I adjust.
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