If Only In An Imaginary World.

I can't seem to sleep for a long time... but when I wake up.... I'm groggy... better that than in much pain I suppose.  I'm still high posting.. gonna try to skip my next pain pill.. at 1... and see how long I can go without needing it... a little pain never hurt anyone. ...besides it's just physical.. if I can handle as much physical as emotional pain... I probably could have stayed awake during the procedure... I admit it.. I'm a wuss... when someone starts talking about chopping off pieces of my penis.. I kinda go to a place in my mind far away from reality... I start feeling the pain.. and I am afraid to face it completely.. so I popped the pain pills at the little 4 on their little "smiley face" pain chart ...which is fairly uncomfortable.. some pain... but nothing I couldn't manage my way through... I'm just afraid that by the time I need the medication.. it is going to take awhile to work.. THAT is what I don't want to face.

I am needing a clean up again.. I suppose I'll be sitting by the side of the tub... washing myself down... I can't sit in the water... but it would make it so much easier if I could... I'm going  to follow the doctor's orders and do everything according to what I was told... then if my penis falls off... I'm gonna get upset... not sure why though... I think I would be able to manage without it.  I've just grown very accustomed to peeing while standing up. They shaved me before surgery... so now I'm itching like my balls are in a mound of ants... I was always okay with trimming.. but shaving is way too uncomfortable.... in any case... I will deal.. as I always do.

I woke up this morning thinking about work.. and the crap I need to get done... but I will try not to think about all the work that is building up while I'm not around... It would be different if there were people there that could handle my classwork... but I suppose that would be too much to ask... even though I seem to fill in for everyone else when they're out.. or at least most people. I am starting to feel irritable again... for no reason... It's like I'm on a short fuse... which is soooooo unlike me.. because I generally don't get upset... I generally let people walk all over me.. until so much builds up that I have to finally do something about it.  In any case... I will try to play my game a little and see if killing and maiming cartoon characters will make my mood a little brighter.. at least it helps me to work off a bit of frustration.. if only in an imaginary world..

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