Go Find Someone Else's Blackboard To Write On.

I don't want any expectations put on me.. because I no longer put them on myself.. if I choose to be completely off kilter.. and do things that are not me.. deal with it.  I, more than likely, have thought about what I'm doing.. and choose to make adjustments in my life.  I see me moving to a place where I can find peace and solitude in a crowd of people.. if that makes any sense.  Think about it.. when you are in a crowded place.. how many times do you pay any attention to small details on particular people. I'm not that noticeable in a crowd.. and I look forward to getting lost in the hustle and bustle of a larger city.. whether it be going out to the mall.. or to the park.. or even to a bar for a drink. I like busy places.. I like getting out.. and I'm tired of sitting at home.. night after night.. doing the same thing.  I know of many things I would do when I was in Nashville.. nothing outrageous.. just going out for awhile... I miss that. I moved back here due to pressure by my family.. because they hated being in a larger city.. I won't have to worry about that.. because they won't be coming with me.  I just need to disappear from life at times by becoming completely absorbed into my surroundings.

I had to take a pain pill last night.. mid morning..  but nothing since.. I might have to take them occasionally if the pain won't allow me to sleep.. but it will be rare for that to happen.. or at least that's what I think.  Well.. the color has returned to normal.. but the stitches are still sore.. I still think I'm pretty swollen.. although it doesn't feel like it.. maybe there will be a size difference.. we'll find out soon enough. Perhaps an added bonus...  I am having to take sponge baths.. which take quite a bit longer.. because the doctor has said for me not to sit in a tub.. and only take showers.. I don't know exactly what the difference is.. but I'm following directions completely as I don't want to screw anything up.

I am thinking about all the crap building up on me at work.. I dread next week.. I will only be there for 4 days... I have a follow up visit on Friday at the doctor.  I am certain all will be well.   I am glad I had the procedure done.. and I think it will be a good thing...

I think sometimes.. we make excuses to try to be people we are not... so that we can pretend for a little while.. maybe deep down.. we want to be what we pretend to be.. but I'm trying to make sure I don't fall into that.  I won't let me convince myself that I should be someone I despise being.  I find that it's still a lie.. and I wouldn't be able to live with that.. and no one will make me change how I really want to be. Those people who want me in their life will just have to accept me the way I am.. just as I try to accept other people.. at least those that remain honest to me.. once I feel I cannot trust someone, I don't care if they never contact me again.. especially if they aren't going to work very hard to regain that trust.  Some people might say.. you should accept people ..forgive and forget.. well.. that might be the right thing to do.. and I do try to forgive.. but I cannot forget.  When people tell me certain things.. and make me believe them.. I lose faith in that person when I find out it wasn't true to begin with.  It's not my responsibility to just forget anything was said.. or to wipe the slate clean and try to begin anew.. I won't even try. My slate never gets cleaned.. but it's like a chalkboard with a build-up of dust.. the more I go through.. the more difficult it is to get through to me.  At this point.. I don't hand out my chalk anymore.. and never will.  So if you want to tell  something that you think will need to be erased because it isn't true.. go find someone else's blackboard to write on.