My Life Is Losing Its Kick.
I sometimes wonder what causes me to open my big mouth... especially when I have more on my plate than I can possibly get done... well.. I don't have a clue.... but when the idea comes up for us to have a barbeque.. the first question was... "who here can cook?"
"Ummmmmm... I can."
"Good... your elected."
The thing is.. when that question was asked... they talked about throwing a small party for one of our instructors who will be retiring after 25 years of service.. I had no clue I was actually volunteering for anything.. nor that the party would grow to include the entire center... So I have to shut down what I'm doing today at 9 am... so that I can go get this huge outdoor grill.. and get everything together from the cafeteria to cook.. Time that I could be using to do all this other stuff that I'm falling behind on... well.. such is life..
I find that the more I look at things... the more frustrated I get that people can't see common sense things... or logical conclusions... Take the center... I'm still so surprised it's open.. but I still maintain it's not over yet.. we'll see a lot of changes over the next few months... and I don't see how it can survive.. with its budget cut even more than it is now. But I look at it this way... if they were to announce officially that it is closing.. you would see a complete lack of involvement by most staff.. as they would only be doing what they could to get somewhere else. I don't think they'll say anything until they absolutely have to.. and with our Fiscal budget starting in October... well... we'll see..
Then there is the intimacy issue... I one time thought I could go the rest of my life.. and never need to be hugged.. or kissed.. or anything of the sort... and I realize that I was a complete moron for thinking that.. I just wanted to be Mr. Tough Guy and be independent of anyone else... but I know logically that is almost impossible... one of the human needs is for affection... some type of intimate interaction.. that's what led me online in the first place. My largest problem is.. trust... I know I beat that dead horse into the ground.. but who can I trust?... To me intimacy of any sort.. is based on trust of another person... and I am still not sure if I can ever fully trust anyone... I'd like to think that ability to trust is just buried deep under all the bullshit I've been through.. but if I'm honest with myself... I don't know..
So then it raises the issue.. what do I want? ...I don't ever want to lead someone on by pretending I want something that I can't have... and trying to be someone I can't be... I've had that done to me on more than one occasion.. and it really sucks.. definitely not in a good way. I continue to try to be self-aware.. but I constantly get reined in when I realize what I'm doing.. what sense is there in pretending something is what is not... I do want the fantasy... all of us do... but I can't hurt someone in the process. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my conscience.. and just follow the heat of the moment... not caring about repercussions.. or what happens next.. I don't know that I'll ever have that capability.. or how I would live with myself if I did. It's definitely something that sounds so immoral.. Are we drawn by the forbidden?. if is just something we need in our lives.. a bit of drama.. whether we admit it or not.. we all like drama.. or else TV and movies wouldn't be so popular.. it's just when the drama affects us... it gets to be more than we can handle.. We can say we are a "drama-free" zone all we want.. but life gets so stale sometimes.. that we invite drama in.. just to get a bit of a charge.. Well.. the charge on this battery needs replenishing.. because my life is losing its kick.
"Ummmmmm... I can."
"Good... your elected."
The thing is.. when that question was asked... they talked about throwing a small party for one of our instructors who will be retiring after 25 years of service.. I had no clue I was actually volunteering for anything.. nor that the party would grow to include the entire center... So I have to shut down what I'm doing today at 9 am... so that I can go get this huge outdoor grill.. and get everything together from the cafeteria to cook.. Time that I could be using to do all this other stuff that I'm falling behind on... well.. such is life..
I find that the more I look at things... the more frustrated I get that people can't see common sense things... or logical conclusions... Take the center... I'm still so surprised it's open.. but I still maintain it's not over yet.. we'll see a lot of changes over the next few months... and I don't see how it can survive.. with its budget cut even more than it is now. But I look at it this way... if they were to announce officially that it is closing.. you would see a complete lack of involvement by most staff.. as they would only be doing what they could to get somewhere else. I don't think they'll say anything until they absolutely have to.. and with our Fiscal budget starting in October... well... we'll see..
Then there is the intimacy issue... I one time thought I could go the rest of my life.. and never need to be hugged.. or kissed.. or anything of the sort... and I realize that I was a complete moron for thinking that.. I just wanted to be Mr. Tough Guy and be independent of anyone else... but I know logically that is almost impossible... one of the human needs is for affection... some type of intimate interaction.. that's what led me online in the first place. My largest problem is.. trust... I know I beat that dead horse into the ground.. but who can I trust?... To me intimacy of any sort.. is based on trust of another person... and I am still not sure if I can ever fully trust anyone... I'd like to think that ability to trust is just buried deep under all the bullshit I've been through.. but if I'm honest with myself... I don't know..
So then it raises the issue.. what do I want? ...I don't ever want to lead someone on by pretending I want something that I can't have... and trying to be someone I can't be... I've had that done to me on more than one occasion.. and it really sucks.. definitely not in a good way. I continue to try to be self-aware.. but I constantly get reined in when I realize what I'm doing.. what sense is there in pretending something is what is not... I do want the fantasy... all of us do... but I can't hurt someone in the process. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my conscience.. and just follow the heat of the moment... not caring about repercussions.. or what happens next.. I don't know that I'll ever have that capability.. or how I would live with myself if I did. It's definitely something that sounds so immoral.. Are we drawn by the forbidden?. if is just something we need in our lives.. a bit of drama.. whether we admit it or not.. we all like drama.. or else TV and movies wouldn't be so popular.. it's just when the drama affects us... it gets to be more than we can handle.. We can say we are a "drama-free" zone all we want.. but life gets so stale sometimes.. that we invite drama in.. just to get a bit of a charge.. Well.. the charge on this battery needs replenishing.. because my life is losing its kick.
Go stranger. Go to a bar or local hangout and be someone else you don't have to take anyone home or even try to, just find someone to converse with and be someone else. Pull a barney stenson.
ReplyDeleteLiving outside of ur own life can make urs less stale.