That's All I Want To Hear.

So... what causes people to behave as though they have no sense.. I'd say its varied for varied people but for  me.. it was Angela Mills..... I won't say her last name to protect the innocent ...but in the first grade... I saw someone that my head got all dizzy every time I saw her... I stuttered.. and became literally a bumbling idiot..  I wrote her a love poem and she threw it away... it broke my heart... but that didn't stop my ineptness every time she was in my vicinity.. so she moved to another district.. and it was 6th grade before I ever saw her again.... but even then.. my head would sway and my tongue would become 10 times bigger whenever I was near her.. so I thought it best to keep my mouth shut... all through the rest of school, I would admire her from afar... and put her on such a pedestal that no one ever came close.. sure there were girls I found attractive.. and those I admired... but I always compared them to her... but I think in my mind.. I was only comparing them to my idea of what I thought she was.. I never was able to get to know who she really was.. because my complete lack of coherent thought around her negated anything she said... I was vaguely aware her mouth was moving.. but I couldn't comprehend the language. When I went back to teaching as a substitute years later... there she was.. teaching in the class next to me... and all of a sudden.. my mind ... the mind of a college graduate.. became this first grade little boy who couldn't tell you his name if his life depended on it.. so I tried avoiding subbing at that school again.. because I hated feeling that inadequate.. and she was the only one that could make me feel that way.. and it was nothing she did.. she was a very warm person.. one of the nicest you could ever meet..  There was just no way I could overcome my preconceived notion of her angelic nature.. or my own inadequacies around her.. to this day... I don't know exactly how I  would act if I met her on the street.. but I'd like to think I'm over that...

The reason I talk about this.. is that maybe I put people in certain categories.. and it's not fair..  I've thought certain things about certain people.. based on superficial information... or just because of observations... and is it really fair that I give them so much power over my life?  I need to keep my perspective.. but honestly.. I had a way of seeing things.. and I let one or two... or three people completely change my viewpoint of everyone.. sure.. it's taught me to be more cautious... but why should I change my attitudes.. and who I am.. giving such power to a few people who haven't even begun to realize what they truly want.  I just let my world become destroyed because I had thoughts that something was much more than it was... just as in school.. I let myself be sucked into believing in something that wasn't real.. and maybe I did become that blithering idiot again.. not being who I really am because I wanted to believe in something that didn't really exist. I have people in my life.. that accept me for who I am... that think I'm a great guy... and they don't tell me just what they think I want to hear... they tell me the truth.. because that's all I want to hear..