Under my Hat

Ok.. so things happen that we can't foresee... and then we deal with them.. that's the way life is.. I don't pretend to know how to live anymore.. I'm just sorta winging it.. but I will be glad when I seem to have a handle on life in general..  I'm not even sure what it is that is bothering me.. but I hope to figure it out... Have you ever thought that you were spiraling out of control.. not having a handle on anything you are doing?  ...I sort of feel that way.. I am working so much overtime now.. that I really am starting to enjoy being tired.. although I know that it is being a bit hard on myself.  I have had several busy days over in the dorms where I work in the evenings.. Always something to do lately.. but it has given me a chance to unfocus on the issues in my life.. a better distraction than anything else... I found out yesterday that a decision whether the center to close or not.. could come as early as this month.. I know we always hear rumors of that.. b...

Sometimes.. just every once in awhile.. someone does something completely unexpected and it takes me off guard.. I believe that basically people are selfish.. they do things for themselves because they have been wronged by so many... that most people believe they have to look out for number one.  I haven't been able to make a determination of the motives of many in my life.. but I can't help but believe that most people have a motive...behind every action.   I've lost most faith that people act in charitable ways just because it's the humanitarian thing to do... I took training yesterday for work.. for SART .. the Sexual Assault Response Team... and one of the things we looked at.. is when people maybe are too drunk to know what's going on.. if it were your loved one being involved.. wouldn't you be just as angry.. or maybe angrier.. at the one that sat by and watched them be abused.. rather than the one doing the abusing.. That sort of got me thinking.. could I...

We tend to gravitate toward drama... I don't know why that is.. or what it means... but circumstances come up in our life where we just refuse to avoid the train.. and throw ourselves out in front of it.. As for myself, I much prefer to watch the train from a distance than being on board during it's inevitable crash. I guess that when I start living for the moment.. I put myself into circumstances where I feel vulnerable if I start thinking about the way things are.  I will continue to maintain my mistrust...because of my past circumstances.. I see remarks made about my friends and continue to hear things that support my belief that things are not always trustworthy.. So.. even though I seem to step outside myself on occasion... I tend not to worry about what happens next.. every once in awhile... I cannot help but have to deal with those thoughts when my brain gets a chance to catch up.  I'm certain that everyone at some point in their lives feels that people will hurt the...

I seem to be on a roll recently.. I continue to push people out of my life... but it's something that I am certain will happen sooner or later anyway... I am not... capable of a relationship... I am not capable of a relationship... I am not capable of a relationship.. how many times do I have to say it.. My trust issues are so deep now it's scary.. I don't want to be the project.. no one has to "save me" ...I don't want to be saved.. I love being witty.. I love social interaction.. but I will not emotionally commit myself.. I can't help that I'm so irresistible... ROTFLMAO.. I can't even say that without a bit of a laugh coming out...  Anyone who thinks they are going to "fix" me... will be severely disappointed.. I really can't say that I will come out of it.. I was told I was a heartless bastard yesterday.. and what I said.. probably was cold.. and uncaring.. but I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not.. and I becom...

Expectations... we all have them... I expect to get up each morning.. drag through my day.. and come home and go to bed... no matter how I spend the time in between, it's best not to expect much more in my life.. Other people will expect certain things to happen.... events to take place.. people to interact with them.. whatever the case may be.. the fact is.. it's better not to set your expectations too high.. then you don't get disappointed.. I had someone recently invite me to be a part of their life.. and this person has blatantly lied to me in the past... I rejected this person completely... I don't really even feel a need to explain myself to her..  At first I felt torn.. I hate to deliberately hurt someone's feelings.. no matter what they've done, but then I realized.. I have control over my own life.. and I'm not going to allow someone near me that I have complete mistrust in.  I don't wish her any ill will.. I just don't want her being a part...

so... tired.... I don't know why.. but... yes.. I do know why.. 70 freakin' hours a week of work.. THAT is why I'm so tired... lol.. but it's ok.. I find it very difficult to quit. Is it dedication?  partly..I think also it is the fact that I really don't worry about how it's going to affect me.. until it does. I don't have to work all the hours.. but I will say that most of the time.. I keep my mind occupied.  It's not even a matter of my last relationship, anymore.. She is searching for something that evidently doesn't exist.. and I have no idea what that is.. My whole issue is my life in general... when I think about it.. I know I have issues... one thing is trust.. I have major trust issues.. I don't trust people.  It's in a person's nature to lie.. maybe not wanting to.. but.. they end up doing it anyway.  Most of the time.. there are good intentions there.. If someone tells me something.. I'm one of those that would like to bank...

My persona has taken on a dual personality... I am trying to be a more carefree.. live in the moment kind of guy.. but then I still post all this sad, pessimistic stuff here... as I've said many times.. this is something I won't compromise.. this is actually what is going on inside my head.  If someone wants to know what I'm thinking.. or how I am.. it is here... When I'm appearing bubbly.. or happy.. it's just that I've allowed myself not to think about  what happens next... I've put aside my cares for any kind of future.. and I'm living for the moment.. and not for the future.  I am as down on relationships as I ever was... everyone lies.. and I uncover more and more of that every day. they might not lie to something they feel is important.. but in a sense.... it is.. if a person can lie about one thing.. then they can lie about many things. I have always tried to be honest about things.. it's the one thing that I hold more important than almost an...

I'm looking forward to end of today... because it's going to be a really long day.. my dreams have started involving my work more than anything else lately.. just normal everyday... going to work.. doing the things I do there.. so.. I'm at work almost 24/7 now.. maybe it's a bit much... The last thing I remember before waking up.. was that I had $72,000 in my computer tech budget that I  was supposed to spend.. pronto.. and I was trying to find justifiable expenditures.. strange, huh.. I haven't had near that much since I've been there.. I make my program run on a barebone budget.. but I have some wonderful students... well I always do... I believe that you have to treat people like you would want to be treated.   there's no reason to give anyone hell for things that you can calmly talk out. I almost never get angry... my spouse and I have had 3 arguments since we were married almost 18 years ago now... I'm very easy to get along with.. I do love discuss...

Life is about changes I suppose... many things change while others stay the same... I'm making an active effort to make my life better.. at least from a mental and emotional standpoint.  I won't say I don't care about anything... but I take everything with a grain of salt.. meaning that I choose not to dwell on any one subject.  I am still getting up early in the morning.. to work my 70 hour workweek... it's sometimes difficult to see why I'm subjecting myself to the stress of so much work.. I'm certain that the overtime I am getting now is limited...or will be limited in the near future.. so I try to keep my mind occupied while I can.. one thing I won't miss is getting up at 4 am to get ready for work on time.  I suppose I could get up 15 minutes later and not blog.. but I feel like this blog is a mental health outlet.   Mental health.. what is that?  I think that very few people can actually say they are in excellent mental health. We all have constant wor...

I think that we all seek companionship.. for a variety of reasons.. but for the most part.. none of us like to be alone...  it's just difficult to see anyone being truly honest with us.  I for one.. have grown to feel that everyone has an agenda.. and being with someone is just being the flavor of the day/week/month/year ...I refuse to look at any relationship with a long term in mind.. I really don't believe that is possible.  One friend told me that when you have a failed relationship.. it generally takes as long to get over the relationship.. as the length of the relationship itself.  Well... that means I have another 7 months before my ideas will fade... my pessimistic attitudes... but I really don't see that happening even then.. I have decided to try to enjoy life.. and take each day as I come to it.. do what makes me happy.. and realize at the end of the day.. that it's truly not real.. that life really is just a dream.. I make it through another day... and I ...

So.. I am swallowing my pride... and doing something I said I'd never do.. I am trying to heal.. I'm trying to forget about all the lies that I have lived with for over a year. I received some good news that I'm trying not to gloat about..  but we'll let that play out and see what happens.. I am now logging back into a site that I said I would never visit again.. and I immediately made a connection with someone who is completely and utterly safe as far as relationships go.. I have several.. acquaintance.. but very few friends.. I will be ok with flirting.. and not having expectations.. expectations and thinking about what's next.. that is what has been difficult for me not to do.. I always lived with the idea of happily ever after.. and for me to be happy.. I have to start thinking about being happy in the present.. about not dealing with crap..and just being myself.. and not getting lost in trying to please anyone.. I have always tried to be direct.. but it's o...

Life.. by design.. is meant for 2 people.. together.. not one... and even though I am married.. I almost always feel that I am alone.. one person.. yes.. I have friends I spend time with... and share deep thoughts and ideas... but.. to be in the physical presence of someone else.. and to be able to allow yourself to bond with this person on so many levels.. that was my goal.. that was why I was online for the last few years.. seeking someone who had a common bond with me on which to build... and I've found several people in those few years which I thought might be someone to explore that bond.. but I always find out that my goals.. and their goals have been different.  I have things in common with my friends... much more so than my spouse... but with that being the case... I don't think it's enough to have something that wouldn't end. One of the most important things in my life.. other than my daughters, of course..  is my work ethic.. I spend countless hours at my job....

Strange how life works... we tend to work hard to get our ducks in a row.. and then POW!!! The truck of fate comes out of nowhere.. and then we have duck soup for dinner... I suppose things can always be worse.. but for the most part... I really don't mind wading in the crap.. I have found that my life suits me.. whether I like it this way.. or not.. I actually believe that I will be hurting for a long time... I'm still numb about a lot of things.. relationships being one of them... I find it difficult to believe in them.. I don't believe in the fairy tale.. "happily ever after" ending... I continue to evaluate my life.. and where it's headed.. and for the most part... I'm still spinning my wheels.. but I won't push forward.  I won't believe in something that's not there.. I've had to have discussions recently with people that want to be more than friends.. and let them know that isn't happening..  it's not because I'm saving my...

Another morning.. another day... life goes on..  I have no idea how long I will keep my job.. but I'm going to try not to worry about it... I'm hoping the budget cuts for where I work will not trickle down for at least another year.. but who knows. I have been through worse... I worked late again last night... but it was a decent night... no one killed anyone.. and I was able to get a little work done.   I feel like my life really doesn't revolve around me anymore... I think it  involves my doing things for others... and I need to get away from depending on others to be there.. I don't think it's a healthy thing... but I'm glad for those that want help.. that need a shoulder...or ear.. I just need to remember there is a limit.. I don't need to involve myself completely in anyone's life.. Sometimes when I interact with others.. I can come across as mean... or cocky... I don't mean to be that way.. and anyone who knows me.. knows I'm not.. I will t...

So... I elicited a response concerning my morning rant.  I have maintained all along that my feelings for my ex-girlfriend have never changed... I seen to have provoked a response that I am pining for her and want her back... this could not be farther from the truth.  I will NEVER ... under any circumstances ... be back with her.  I do still love her... and I hope she can be happy... but being with her would be like a kamakaze mission ... I will never trust her..  I don't trust anyone ..ESPECIALLY not her.   So I spend time with a friend... and have given her false hope that I am doing much better... I'm still not certain how I did that... I suppose I should not invited her into the world I escape to... where I put everything aside.. and don't dwell on my emotional pain.  I don't want a relationship... or commitment... or anything lasting.. because it DOESN'T last.... I don't believe that I will ever have a lasting relationship.  I really feel tha...

So.. I don't think it was the B12... I really might be just a tad insane... I got my first injection yesterday.. and I feel no different.  ..well.. I take that back... I now have a sore arm... but as far as relationships go.. I still don't believe in them... I believe that everyone has their own agenda.. and given the chance they'll choose their agenda over any relationship. I was asked something that got me to thinking... I was at a site.. where we were both married.. what did I expect to happen?   The truth is... I'm not really certain... I know my marriage is over.. and headed for divorce.. I can't live in this house with people I truly don't know care about me.. I am certain they do to an extent... but for the most part.. I feel like a meal ticket.   ...so I suppose I expected to find someone who couldn't stand their situation either.. and maybe we would give each other the strength and support needed to remove ourselves from our current situation... and...

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone...  Have you ever thought about how mentally unstable you could actually be? ...I received a phone call from the doctor's office yesterday saying that my B-12 was "extremely low" ...and they want to put me on B-12 injections for the next 6 months.  ...so I go looking up the signs and symptoms of B-12 deficiencies.. It seems that a lack of B-12 will cause issues with the brain and nervous system... so perhaps I am looking at everything from an extremely skewed perspective... I've become afraid to comment on much to my friends because I really don't know how stable I actually am... According to WebMD: A deficiency of vitamin B12 can lead to vitamin B12 deficiency anemia. A mild deficiency may cause only mild if any symptoms. But as the anemia worsens it may cause symptoms such as: weakness, tired or light-headedness rapid heartbeat and breathing pale skin sore tongue easy bruising or bleeding, including bleeding gums st...

There are many kinds of people in this world... and even though we spend most of our lives interacting with all types.. we sometimes forget to look at ourselves. Most people go all their life without truly knowing who they are... mainly because they become confused about who that actually is..  we let people influence the way we think.. what we say.. how we act.. because we believe what other people tell us..  Even though there is no basis for those actions...  I feel like sometimes things I say are very obscure.. even though I'm very direct when I talk about them.. If I say things that people don't like.. I can appear as callous... uncaring.. but at the same time.. I am  sometimes very emotional... I have huge walls that are completely solid.. but that doesn't mean I won't ever interact with you... I have as many feelings as I've ever had.. but also.. I'm more cautious now.. than ever about trusting them... or following them. I know that my friends want me to a...

I received an email yesterday that my yahoo account was going to be permanently erased.. it has been 120 days since I took steps to eradicate it.. I misread it.. and inadvertantly recommissioned my defunct account.. since I have it.. I decided to log on and see if anyone had messaged me on it for the last 4 months... I had 2 people that messaged me.. and that was a few months ago... that supports the theory.. "out of sight.. out of mind"  ...I never really felt very close to many people anyway... but I thought I would log on that account just to see if anyone cared enough to wonder where I've been.. again.. my theories weren't contradicted... no one really cares if you're gone for awhile.. the online world is self-sustaining.. and if you're gone awhile.. you just sort of slip into oblivion.  I suppose it's a good thing that I have no place in the lives of all the people I have touched... I don't have a problem telling people exactly what I feel ...and ...

Words are powerful instruments... the ones we use.. the way we say them... we can use words to hurt.. help.. or even distance ourselves from others.... My two least favorite words are fine... and whatever. VERY passive aggressive words... When I hear these words.. I almost always go defensive.. and get somewhat irritated... People say "fine"... when they mean... "no.. it's not ok... but I'm too pissed to argue.. but you better figure it out because I'm going to stay pissed"  ...and  "whatever" ...the meaning... pretty much the same... but just slightly more active... meaning.... I'm so pissed off right now at it that I can't think of a good argument.. but just the same.. you'll hear about this later.  I heard these words in some of my past relationships... but only when someone wanted me to know that ...I was wrong but they weren't going to argue it at that point.  Now.. I'm to the point.. if you tell me "whatever"...

So... don't have to work this morning.. but I have other things to get done... I did sleep a little late.. since I will be driving.. I thought it best to be well rested.. I woke up several times through the night.. but laid there until I went back to sleep.  I think my negative attitude will start to get to some people.. but that is expected.. We all make choices.. do things we think are the best.. and have to live with the consequences.. once things are broken.. they never can be made completely whole again.. It's that way with relationships... once you break the trust.. it will never work... no complete trust will ever be gained again... but it's happened that way with several people... I don't see how I can ever completely trust anyone again.. but who knows.. I've been proven wrong before... I won't hold my breath on that one though. Bath was a bit hot.. I lay there thinking about my day.. my life.. it's not the worst existence.. but it could be much bet...

When can I open my eyes... I don't want to see anything positive...  I keep holding on to the idea that life is a bunch of chocolates... but all mine are old and molded... no matter which I try... I'm gonna end up hurting. ...take that Forrest Gump..   I am tired... but I'm getting used to it.. I lost 4 pounds my first day on my new diet.. losing the weight won't be hard... finding the diet that I can live with to keep it off.. that's the tricky part...  I will have to fool my body into thinking it's full for the last part of this diet.. without putting a whole lot of unhealthy foods in it... So.. bath time is over... and I don't feel any different this morning... maybe I'm just crabby from my diet... I do know that I will need to develop a regiment of exercise to help with the weight loss.. I am not looking to be all Mr. Universe.. or anything like that.. I just want to be a little more toned in my stomach... with all the walking I do.. I am very satis...

I'm fat...  well.. larger than I need to be.. that's one thing the doctor says... he wants me to lose about 20 pounds.. I've gained about that much in the last 6 months... What with my elevated blood sugar.. and medical history.. I'm a walking time bomb... so.. I am going to lose the 20 pounds.. I might even lose more than that.  I need to find the motivation to do it.  I am supposed to have the labwork done for several things.. it would have been nice to know that.. so that I could have fasted beforehand... and got it out of the way.  so.. there is a weight watchers group at work that I might end up joining.. they're trying to get staff and students involved. Part of me just wants to say screw it... I'm gonna die anyway..  but what if I don't die quickly.. what if I have to suffer physically for a long time.. combined with my mental state.. I don't know if I could handle that.  sooo..... I'll lose the weight.. or at least try...  I know I need to be...

Have you ever wondered where our good thoughts come from?  I have.. and I am now sure that whatever that is.. it's missing in my life... I seldom have positive thoughts.  My life has become a haven for negative energy.  I'm still ok with that.. I keep talking about my rollercoaster... but if I choose not to let myself too high.. then I won't have to worry about the extremely low times... I don't cry anymore... well... seldom, anyway. I have hardened my heart enough not to let things bother me... I can feel myself growing more hard each day... and no.. that's not a sexual reference.  I don't even think about sex much anymore.. not like I used to.. I am trying to train myself not to be dependent on it.. I still think about it what anyone else would consider on a normal basis.. but at one time.. I was thinking about it constantly.. I think that was because I placed so much being special about it.  I still can't have sex with just anyone... it's just not me....

How can we trust another person if we can't trust ourselves... This was mentioned to me.. and I thought about it.. I never said I trusted myself.. I don't think anyone can truly trust in anything or anyone... because there are so many variables that we don't know about.. I ran across some old files yesterday... things I thought I had deleted.. and brought up some memories... about why I had those files in the first place... I think we all choose to believe in the moment.. We fool ourselves into thinking that life will be okay... as long as we have someone to share our bad times as well as our good times.  I don't believe that way anymore... I can only share so much of myself.. which, granted,  is a lot.. look at how much of myself I share here... but there will always be a part of me.. that will wait for the end... of a situation.. of a relationship.. of a life..  I know that no matter what people say or do.. they may have fooled themselves into believing something that...

I've gotten to where I like Sunday mornings.. lie in bed.. late.. even if I can't sleep.. I can relax.. think.. which isn't always a good thing.. but it's something different.  I've been thinking a lot recently about my life.. and my situation.  I don't plan on changing a whole lot anytime soon, but I feel the need to get out of this place.. and do something.. I've thought about going to the park and walking through the nature trails... but it would be like me to break my leg or something.... and most of the nature trails don't give me cell phone reception.. since they are so isolated... Dad wants me to come visit.. I feel badly about not going.. that could be something else I could do.... but I dread listening to how much he misses Mom... not that I don't want to let him get it out.... but I'm missing her too.. and when I say something about it.. he starts on how much they were together.. almost like it's a contest on who misses her more..  ...

Expectations... we all have them.. we all expect things to go a certain way.. people to be a certain way.. I was driving the other day and a rabbit jumped out and ran into my tire... I have been hit.. or have hit several animals recently. I don't mean to do it.. but it happens.. My question is.. what makes an animal.. see this huge thing come barrelling down the highway and it decide that it wants to run full speed into it's path.. just to be plowed over.  The more I think about that.. I think it's just natural.. We all get involved in relationships.. and some people stay in them.. knowing full well that more than likely we are going to be plowed over.. I wish I knew the concept behind the thought patterns of people who think that way.. I hate getting run down by fate... it's happened too many times to me... that's why I shy away from the road now.  see... I am learning.. I even take steps to keep that from happening.. I removed myself from the sites I visited.. kno...

I am having a difficult time thinking straight today... I was up and down all last night.. I didn't actually get out of bed.. but was awake for most of the night... my phone still is giving me fits.. so it's almost useless.. I feel like most of the world is passing me by.. I keep hearing the same song from the people in my life.. but I don't know if I will ever sing it too.. I know myself all too well.. and even though I can still get up each morning.. and face each new day.. I don't look for things to change in my situation anytime in the even not-so-distant future.  My spouse is actually doing stuff around the house.. cleaning.. organizing.. it's weird.. I'm still working my 14 - 16 hour days.. if I continue at my current pace all year.. which I know I won't.. I will make over 100k this year.. and I might even survive... more likely I would die from exhaustion... I did schedule an appointment at the doctor next Tues. ...not that I figure he'll find any...

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to give up... I don't mean on life.. I mean.. just quit doing anything... I've had the idea come to my mind.. but I'd never follow through with it.. it would cause so many problems.  I always figured I would be in a nursing home soon enough anyway.. I am back up at 4:30 just trying to get to work before 6... lately it seems as though my days are getting slower and slower... I've crunched the numbers several times.. and won't be able to leave here without my spouse finding a job.  ...and I really don't see that happening.. I know guys that keep saying for years.. that they are gonna leave.. and never do.. I don't want to be one of those guys.  Life is not bad here.. it's just not good.. I do get to see my daughters daily.. that's the advantage of my still being here.. but I can't help but want some independence... I work so much.. and never see most of the money I make.. It ends up getting spent by my s...

Another restless night's sleep... I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up.. and things are going to be different... I guess I'm in my rut again.  I still have the same attitude toward life and people.. I still find it difficult to trust anyone.. but I am tired of looking at the same 4 walls day in and day out... I'm so uncertain about what I want to accomplish now.  I need to talk with my spouse about her job hunt.. but I don't think it's going to happen. I have noticed that she is rearranging some of the furniture.. I suppose she wants a change too.. I figured up yesterday.. that if I maintain my current level of work.. that I'll get over 100 hours of overtime a month. Today is Feb. 1... another month has gone by.. and still no change in the pain.. ...is it because I dwell on it here?  ...or is it all the daily reminders I see.. I just need for it to be gone.. I really don't want to live with the sadness... not meaning that I'd rather be dead.. ju...