I try to be honest.

My persona has taken on a dual personality... I am trying to be a more carefree.. live in the moment kind of guy.. but then I still post all this sad, pessimistic stuff here... as I've said many times.. this is something I won't compromise.. this is actually what is going on inside my head.  If someone wants to know what I'm thinking.. or how I am.. it is here... When I'm appearing bubbly.. or happy.. it's just that I've allowed myself not to think about  what happens next... I've put aside my cares for any kind of future.. and I'm living for the moment.. and not for the future.  I am as down on relationships as I ever was... everyone lies.. and I uncover more and more of that every day. they might not lie to something they feel is important.. but in a sense.... it is.. if a person can lie about one thing.. then they can lie about many things. I have always tried to be honest about things.. it's the one thing that I hold more important than almost anything else... Why is it so hard for people to be honest.. and I can see a lot of people that want to lie to themselves.. if it's something they don't want to hear.. they pretend it's not true.. I see that on a regular basis.. or maybe it's something they don't want to confront.. it doesn't matter... it's still a lie.. I suppose it's how some people cope. It's because I am constantly seeking the truth.. that I delve so deep into my feelings to try to find what is going on "under my hat." I work things out in my head.. and have found that sometimes I even tend to lie to myself... but the truth be told.. I am full of remorse for the lie I unwittingly lived for a year... for listening to someone and allowing her lie to compound my own... All I ask for is the truth... and if it is discovered somewhere along the way... then so be it.. don't continue to live in it.  It bothers me to be untruthful with my friends... or my spouse.. so much so... there are times when I want to share all the crap that has been going on with my spouse and let her know everything.. I actually still care about her.. like my sisters.. which I lie to also.. by omission.. I pretend everything is going ok.. that there are a few glitches.. but I am dealing...    I am not happy.. by any means... I am doing better than I was.. I will not argue that... but I'm a very, very stubborn person... and I don't see me allowing myself to believe in a lasting relationship... not for me anyway.. and if someone is lucky enough to find someone they can be totally trusting and honest with.. I applaud you.. because it is an extremely rare thing. I don't even trust myself... the few times I feel something... and go with it... it's because I'm living in the moment.. it's not because I really think there is any substance there... it isn't because I have had an epiphany.. I don't trust those feelings past the moment.. and I don't know if I ever will.. I know that some people see this as a setback... and maybe it is.. but it's realizations that I must share with myself.. I try to be honest.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...
Read more

Stay Out Of Things Where I Don't Belong.

I am starting to get used to the hours... I think... who knows.. one day I feel like I was drug out of my bed kicking and screaming... other days I feel like I've been poured full of coffee and energy drinks... I've cut down on my morning coffee by the way... Oh... I didn't blog about that... after first moving here, I started drinking flavored coffee in the mornings... but I've decided I don't want to get dependent on that.... I still have the occasional coffee... but as I've said before... too much of anything is a bad idea... so I cut back.  I also decided to give up something for Lent... I might have blogged about it... but I tried to think of something that would be a sacrifice.. so I gave up masturbation.  I know that's not really in the spirit of Lent... as far as giving up something like that... but hey... I can't think of many other things I enjoy more... especially with my sex life as it is... I sorta don't have the inspiration at this poi...
Read more