I'm done pretending

So... I elicited a response concerning my morning rant.  I have maintained all along that my feelings for my ex-girlfriend have never changed... I seen to have provoked a response that I am pining for her and want her back... this could not be farther from the truth.  I will NEVER ... under any circumstances ... be back with her.  I do still love her... and I hope she can be happy... but being with her would be like a kamakaze mission ... I will never trust her..  I don't trust anyone ..ESPECIALLY not her.   So I spend time with a friend... and have given her false hope that I am doing much better... I'm still not certain how I did that... I suppose I should not invited her into the world I escape to... where I put everything aside.. and don't dwell on my emotional pain.  I don't want a relationship... or commitment... or anything lasting.. because it DOESN'T last.... I don't believe that I will ever have a lasting relationship.  I really feel that any effort to maintain one will be futile. That doesn't mean that I won't ever do the futile thing and see.. but at the present time I don't plan on it ...I try to put everything here.. so people can see what's going on inside my head. I don't feel the need to hide anything.... but sometimes... with my friends... I try not to dwell on it..  I can see now this is a mistake... I will try to keep my walls as high and thick as they've ever been ....I pretend while I'm with my friends... that I'm ok..and I'm done pretending

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