Not much of me left.

There are many kinds of people in this world... and even though we spend most of our lives interacting with all types.. we sometimes forget to look at ourselves. Most people go all their life without truly knowing who they are... mainly because they become confused about who that actually is..  we let people influence the way we think.. what we say.. how we act.. because we believe what other people tell us..  Even though there is no basis for those actions...  I feel like sometimes things I say are very obscure.. even though I'm very direct when I talk about them.. If I say things that people don't like.. I can appear as callous... uncaring.. but at the same time.. I am  sometimes very emotional... I have huge walls that are completely solid.. but that doesn't mean I won't ever interact with you... I have as many feelings as I've ever had.. but also.. I'm more cautious now.. than ever about trusting them... or following them. I know that my friends want me to admit to things... but I can't admit to anything.. because most of what I feel or say.. is completely without thinking.  My thoughts and attitudes won't change any time soon.. if ever... but I've given fair warning of that.. now it's up to my friends to realize that. If I choose to be more approachable.. more interactive.. it's only because I am trying to be more social.. but in the same sense.. I am selfish.. I am even somewhat self-absorbed.  I want to be completely direct with everyone. When I am direct.. it doesn't mean I don't care.. it means that I am trying to leave little open to interpretation. We all interpret things differently.. we all jump to conclusions.. we all let our emotions guide us down the wrong path.  This ultimately leads to pain and suffering.  I've maintained this all along... but at times... I allow my emotions to guide me... and usually end up paying for it. I don't want anyone to believe that I'll be different in my thoughts and attitudes.. but I will interact socially and sooner or later.. people will call me an asshole.. or bastard.. because I become for just a bit.. what they want to see in me. I do this because I consider myself a friend.. and I want to be a part of their lives.. but I know that may be the worst thing I can do... to become something I don't feel.. or only temporarily feel. I know that I am messed up in the head... I've been told that on several occasions.. but I choose to remain messed up.. because it's the safest way for me to be. I am selfish.. because I choose to be.. because I have to protect myself ....there's not much of me left.