True friends.. are rare.

Ok.. so things happen that we can't foresee... and then we deal with them.. that's the way life is.. I don't pretend to know how to live anymore.. I'm just sorta winging it.. but I will be glad when I seem to have a handle on life in general..  I'm not even sure what it is that is bothering me.. but I hope to figure it out... Have you ever thought that you were spiraling out of control.. not having a handle on anything you are doing?  ...I sort of feel that way.. I am working so much overtime now.. that I really am starting to enjoy being tired.. although I know that it is being a bit hard on myself.  I have had several busy days over in the dorms where I work in the evenings.. Always something to do lately.. but it has given me a chance to unfocus on the issues in my life.. a better distraction than anything else... I found out yesterday that a decision whether the center to close or not.. could come as early as this month.. I know we always hear rumors of that.. but my instincts tell me that this time.. it is a very possible occurrence. I am glad that I am getting the overtime.. but at the same time.. I feel that I am losing a grip on my thought patterns.. or maybe I'm just forgetting some of the bad stuff.. who knows?   ...I think that doubt is something that once planted.. begins to fester and even grow... That's why I don't like to let things go without addressing them... I have upset people in the past.. and even more recently.. by being bluntly honest with them.. and I don't want anyone to live their life.. based on me.. I'm not the most stable person mentally or emotionally.. and anyone who ties themselves to the idea that I am.. will probably regret it over the long run.  I still come across as uncaring and unfeeling sometimes.. but I am stubborn in that I refuse to allow my feelings to overturn my head... I will always lead with my mind.. it's when I don't.. that I end up causing the most pain.. for myself and others.. sometimes I forget to do that.. and maybe I send the wrong signals to people.. for that I apologize.. but I can't be the superficial person that I am when I get on a site where superficiality is the norm.  I am still me.. but until a person gets to know that "me" inside... and understands why I am the way I am.. I really can't believe that someone really can care.. it's very few instances in my life where I actually believe that someone has taken the time to get to know who I am.. and I am grateful for that.. but then I am more comfortable with being myself.. until then.. yes.. I'm going to be guarded.. I'm going to push.. and if I'm going to try to be your friend.. I will not want you to commit to anything based on what I'm going through.  If someone thinks that I don't trust them.. well.. they're probably right.. because I have had people in my life for 2 years.. and have always tried to be truthful with me.. and I still can't completely trust them.. I don't know if that will ever change.. but a person has to make a decision on what they want.. not based on me.. If I can support someone who wants to call me a friend.. I welcome the chance.. but true friends.. are rare..