I can't do it again.
Strange how life works... we tend to work hard to get our ducks in a row.. and then POW!!! The truck of fate comes out of nowhere.. and then we have duck soup for dinner... I suppose things can always be worse.. but for the most part... I really don't mind wading in the crap.. I have found that my life suits me.. whether I like it this way.. or not.. I actually believe that I will be hurting for a long time... I'm still numb about a lot of things.. relationships being one of them... I find it difficult to believe in them.. I don't believe in the fairy tale.. "happily ever after" ending... I continue to evaluate my life.. and where it's headed.. and for the most part... I'm still spinning my wheels.. but I won't push forward. I won't believe in something that's not there.. I've had to have discussions recently with people that want to be more than friends.. and let them know that isn't happening.. it's not because I'm saving myself for anyone.... it's because at this juncture in my life... I know that opening that door just leads to pain and misery.
Everyone lies.. but why? ...what purpose does it serve... it just adds to your character... and then after so long.. no one will trust you. I suppose some people can cope with that... I don't think I ever could... If I lie... and figure out that I'm lying.. I try to make amends.. on almost everything.. if I care about the person... I suppose that's why I piss so many people off.. When I realize something is wrong.. I address it. ...rather than be like the countless number of other people who just internalize it.. until they eventually explode.. it's good to talk about "the elephant in the room" ...if you don't.. the elephant ends up crapping all over the place.. and you have to clean it all up. It's much better to get the elephant out of the room and carry on normally. Some people can't deal with the truth.. they would much rather live a lie.. it's easier... I feel sorry for those people.. I only hope they can learn to distinguish what is real.. and what is a lie... because that's one of the side affects.. if you live a lie for so long.. you start to believe it yourself... and then it's so much easier to lie again.. and then again.. and soon before you know it.. most of your life is a lie. If something is bothering you.. if something is upsetting you.. take steps to fix it... or you'll end up like me.. blogging about how miserable you are at having been living a lie for over a year. Do I want a relationship?... I'd be lying if I said I didn't.. but do I believe in lasting relationships? not for me I don't.. I don't know what it is about me.. or the people who choose to be with me.. but in the end.. it all turns to crap.. and it chips away more of who I am... I can't do that anymore.. I'm going to end up being put away if I don't start taking life less seriously... I mean.. we all end up dead anyway... I don't want to spend the last part of it in some room on medications and not able to remember my own name... I don't need anyone.. and I like it like that... do I want people in my life? ...of course.. but to allow someone close enough to become a need.. and not a want.. that was the biggest mistake in my life... and I can't do it again.
Everyone lies.. but why? ...what purpose does it serve... it just adds to your character... and then after so long.. no one will trust you. I suppose some people can cope with that... I don't think I ever could... If I lie... and figure out that I'm lying.. I try to make amends.. on almost everything.. if I care about the person... I suppose that's why I piss so many people off.. When I realize something is wrong.. I address it. ...rather than be like the countless number of other people who just internalize it.. until they eventually explode.. it's good to talk about "the elephant in the room" ...if you don't.. the elephant ends up crapping all over the place.. and you have to clean it all up. It's much better to get the elephant out of the room and carry on normally. Some people can't deal with the truth.. they would much rather live a lie.. it's easier... I feel sorry for those people.. I only hope they can learn to distinguish what is real.. and what is a lie... because that's one of the side affects.. if you live a lie for so long.. you start to believe it yourself... and then it's so much easier to lie again.. and then again.. and soon before you know it.. most of your life is a lie. If something is bothering you.. if something is upsetting you.. take steps to fix it... or you'll end up like me.. blogging about how miserable you are at having been living a lie for over a year. Do I want a relationship?... I'd be lying if I said I didn't.. but do I believe in lasting relationships? not for me I don't.. I don't know what it is about me.. or the people who choose to be with me.. but in the end.. it all turns to crap.. and it chips away more of who I am... I can't do that anymore.. I'm going to end up being put away if I don't start taking life less seriously... I mean.. we all end up dead anyway... I don't want to spend the last part of it in some room on medications and not able to remember my own name... I don't need anyone.. and I like it like that... do I want people in my life? ...of course.. but to allow someone close enough to become a need.. and not a want.. that was the biggest mistake in my life... and I can't do it again.
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