My rollercoaster continues.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to give up... I don't mean on life.. I mean.. just quit doing anything... I've had the idea come to my mind.. but I'd never follow through with it.. it would cause so many problems.  I always figured I would be in a nursing home soon enough anyway.. I am back up at 4:30 just trying to get to work before 6... lately it seems as though my days are getting slower and slower... I've crunched the numbers several times.. and won't be able to leave here without my spouse finding a job.  ...and I really don't see that happening.. I know guys that keep saying for years.. that they are gonna leave.. and never do.. I don't want to be one of those guys.  Life is not bad here.. it's just not good.. I do get to see my daughters daily.. that's the advantage of my still being here.. but I can't help but want some independence... I work so much.. and never see most of the money I make.. It ends up getting spent by my spouse and daughters... I feel more like a meal ticket to them now than ever before.  My Dad... he rarely calls me anymore.. I think there is something up with that.. he misses my Mom.. I know that.. but I think there is something deeper eating at him.. I care.. but I can't do anything about it.  I don't see him being here in a couple of years.. He just doesn't seem to have as much of a will to go on.  ...I understand that.. there's just a few bright spots in my life that keep me going.. I just wait until the day when I don't have to worry about getting up.. there are many days that I just want to stay in bed.. but I don't.. and I won't.. I keep trudging along.. I am catching up on a few things.. but in some ways I feel like I'm just getting further and further behind on life.. I think I would like living alone though.. I'm pretty sure that once I move out.. I will continue to live alone indefinitely... It would be nice not to answer to anyone or anything.. that's one of the reasons I don't have pets.. even though my spouse and kids do... they are completely their responsibility.  I am grateful that I have my daughters.. and I love them very much... but they've added so much of a complication to my life.. that sometimes I even resent having had them.. I feel like they're the ones that have trapped me.. because I do love them more than anything.. I find all the difficulty in leaving a direct effect of them being here.. I'd never tell them that.. but even though children are wonderful.. I am looking forward to them being able to take care of themselves.. I just don't need anyone, anymore... it's nice to have people to interact with... but for the most part.. I'm past really caring whether I have people in my life or not.. I still think that all relationships end.. asking me not to believe that.. is like asking me to believe that life doesn't end.  I am not conceited enough to admit I might be wrong... I just can't think in those terms.. and I don't know that I ever will.. In the meantime.. my rollercoaster continues..

I took my bath.. and feel a bit better.. I wasn't planning on blogging anymore.. it's just that this morning's blog seems so negative.. I think we all find it hard to get motivated to feel or do things.. How many times do you intend on doing something constructive.. only to let yourself be talked into doing the easy thing.. That's how I feel now.. I've lost a lot of motivation... almost all of it... I know that I will feel a bit more motivated later.. and I might actually accomplish something.. but there are so many times.. where I'd like to take a morning jog before work.. or straighten up my room.. or get caught up on my work... or even lose a little weight..  but then ...what's the point.  who's it for.. for me?  I really don't know what I want.. so why try to do things for myself when I really don't care.  I keep going out of habit really.  I don't figure I'm much of a motivation for anyone else either.. and I can live with that.. I suppose that's why I enjoy teaching.. my students can become motivated at times.. and get things accomplished... and I feel like I'm helping them to achieve that.. at least it shows I have some worth...