This is me.. deal with it.

Have you ever wondered where our good thoughts come from?  I have.. and I am now sure that whatever that is.. it's missing in my life... I seldom have positive thoughts.  My life has become a haven for negative energy.  I'm still ok with that.. I keep talking about my rollercoaster... but if I choose not to let myself too high.. then I won't have to worry about the extremely low times... I don't cry anymore... well... seldom, anyway. I have hardened my heart enough not to let things bother me... I can feel myself growing more hard each day... and no.. that's not a sexual reference.  I don't even think about sex much anymore.. not like I used to.. I am trying to train myself not to be dependent on it.. I still think about it what anyone else would consider on a normal basis.. but at one time.. I was thinking about it constantly.. I think that was because I placed so much being special about it.  I still can't have sex with just anyone... it's just not me.. but now.. I sort of envy those that can put their feelings aside... just for physical pleasure.... I have thought about it.. going to a large city.. meeting up with a complete stranger at a bar... or club.. and abandoning all my inhibitions.. but I will never do that.  I believe I get too emotionally attached to people... and sex just strengthens that. I won't change in that aspect.  I will continue to treat sex as something special.  At the moment.. I think about having it... but to be perfectly honest.. I really don't see that happening soon... if ever. I am too broken to even consider it... I want a normal life in some ways.. but mostly I just don't want to hurt anymore... and I do hurt.. when I wake up in the morning.. I still feel the pain... all throughout the day... it's as strong as ever... I don't even hate anyone for it... I just wish it had never happened.. but we can't undo things.. we have to accept that things are as they are... and try to live with it... I'm just not doing a very good job of it.   I'm not even upset anymore.. not at her.. but at myself... I went through several possible online relationships.. and once I hit one that I saw no red flags... I let myself be drawn in...  I let myself go completely... and that, I find is much too dangerous to do.  If you let yourself go completely.. you risk the danger of losing yourself.. or parts of yourself.  I've lost a large part of who I was... I will never be the same person again. I won't even try to be. This is me.. deal with it.

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