Something I have to live with.
So... don't have to work this morning.. but I have other things to get done... I did sleep a little late.. since I will be driving.. I thought it best to be well rested.. I woke up several times through the night.. but laid there until I went back to sleep. I think my negative attitude will start to get to some people.. but that is expected.. We all make choices.. do things we think are the best.. and have to live with the consequences.. once things are broken.. they never can be made completely whole again.. It's that way with relationships... once you break the trust.. it will never work... no complete trust will ever be gained again... but it's happened that way with several people... I don't see how I can ever completely trust anyone again.. but who knows.. I've been proven wrong before... I won't hold my breath on that one though.
Bath was a bit hot.. I lay there thinking about my day.. my life.. it's not the worst existence.. but it could be much better. I wondered why I continue to struggle so much... and to be perfectly honest.. I don't really know. I still feel the sting of being in a relationship where the switch was flipped one day on me without warning.. maybe I'm just that naive.. I envy those people who can live in the moment.. to a certain extent.. those people that really don't care what happens next. ...or at least don't think about it. I was that way at one time.. then being hurt.. several times.. caused me to wonder about the future.. what was next.. will I be tossed aside again?... so I started working toward something that lasted.. or trying to.. something that had substance.. not a superficial relationship.. but I found that doesn't work either. It's hard to invest yourself completely into something.. or someone.. when 6 months.. or a year.. they flip the switch.. and tell you.. go away... I'm done with you now.. it seems to happen every time I get close to someone.. even in my marriage.. it's only lasted as long as it has because I was so stubborn.. to try to work with it.... I don't think they even realize what they are doing.. that's what bothers me.. if they didn't.. then any future relationships.. wouldn't either.. and I find it the most difficult thing to believe that I wouldn't be cast aside again.. even if the other person doesn't think that way in the beginning.. All my relationships fail.. is it my fault.. probably.. but it's something I have to live with.
Bath was a bit hot.. I lay there thinking about my day.. my life.. it's not the worst existence.. but it could be much better. I wondered why I continue to struggle so much... and to be perfectly honest.. I don't really know. I still feel the sting of being in a relationship where the switch was flipped one day on me without warning.. maybe I'm just that naive.. I envy those people who can live in the moment.. to a certain extent.. those people that really don't care what happens next. ...or at least don't think about it. I was that way at one time.. then being hurt.. several times.. caused me to wonder about the future.. what was next.. will I be tossed aside again?... so I started working toward something that lasted.. or trying to.. something that had substance.. not a superficial relationship.. but I found that doesn't work either. It's hard to invest yourself completely into something.. or someone.. when 6 months.. or a year.. they flip the switch.. and tell you.. go away... I'm done with you now.. it seems to happen every time I get close to someone.. even in my marriage.. it's only lasted as long as it has because I was so stubborn.. to try to work with it.... I don't think they even realize what they are doing.. that's what bothers me.. if they didn't.. then any future relationships.. wouldn't either.. and I find it the most difficult thing to believe that I wouldn't be cast aside again.. even if the other person doesn't think that way in the beginning.. All my relationships fail.. is it my fault.. probably.. but it's something I have to live with.
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