Because I choose to.

How can we trust another person if we can't trust ourselves... This was mentioned to me.. and I thought about it.. I never said I trusted myself.. I don't think anyone can truly trust in anything or anyone... because there are so many variables that we don't know about.. I ran across some old files yesterday... things I thought I had deleted.. and brought up some memories... about why I had those files in the first place... I think we all choose to believe in the moment.. We fool ourselves into thinking that life will be okay... as long as we have someone to share our bad times as well as our good times.  I don't believe that way anymore... I can only share so much of myself.. which, granted,  is a lot.. look at how much of myself I share here... but there will always be a part of me.. that will wait for the end... of a situation.. of a relationship.. of a life..  I know that no matter what people say or do.. they may have fooled themselves into believing something that may or may not exist... I am the same way... even when I want to believe in something.. or someone.. I know that I may be fooled into believing in that person.. or thing... mostly by myself..
I just took my bath.. and was thinking about my physical exam tomorrow... what if the doctor found something.. how would I handle it.. I think I would go with the odds.. I am definitely not a strong enough person at the moment to fight anything that takes a great deal of effort.  ...not anymore.. and I don't have reason enough to want to fight it. I doubt there is anything seriously wrong with me.. physically.. but doctors could have a field day with me mentally... I can't believe that I cared about someone so much that she could cause me to become the way I have... that's what scares me... how did I let someone have so much control over me.. at the time.. I chose to believe in her.. and in us... because it felt so right... the way it does for everyone when they find themselves falling for someone... I can be wrong... I can believe in something that isn't real...  that shows me that they can too... I won't allow anyone that close ever again.. mainly because I can't give myself the free reign to fall that deep.  I continue to be a shell of the person I used to be.. and will remain that way... why?  ...because I choose to.

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