Watching the trainwrecks...

We tend to gravitate toward drama... I don't know why that is.. or what it means... but circumstances come up in our life where we just refuse to avoid the train.. and throw ourselves out in front of it.. As for myself, I much prefer to watch the train from a distance than being on board during it's inevitable crash. I guess that when I start living for the moment.. I put myself into circumstances where I feel vulnerable if I start thinking about the way things are.  I will continue to maintain my mistrust...because of my past circumstances.. I see remarks made about my friends and continue to hear things that support my belief that things are not always trustworthy.. So.. even though I seem to step outside myself on occasion... I tend not to worry about what happens next.. every once in awhile... I cannot help but have to deal with those thoughts when my brain gets a chance to catch up.  I'm certain that everyone at some point in their lives feels that people will hurt them.. and many might be that way without actually intending to.. but I can see things happening way in advance.. call it psychic.. call it intuition... I just like to call it good observation and deduction... I just get these "feelings" a lot of times about things.. and because I've been right so many times in the past... I take them seriously now.  I have friends that actually will rely on my feelings about certain things.. and come to me for advice.. I gladly give it.. because I always want to share a talent if I actually have it... I am the first to say .. I don't believe in psychics.. but that doesn't mean that some uncanny things haven't popped up regarding my "feelings"
I am trying to follow my normal feelings.. those constructive ones that might give me strength.. but it seems as though every time I do that.. I run into expectations.  In an emotional sense, I cannot be depended on.. I know that sounds cold.. and uncaring.. but it is who I am.  I don't want a commitment.. I don't want to ride the train... at least not that kind of train. In my world.. there are wayyyyyyy too many train crashes.. I don't want anything from anyone.. except honesty.. I don't care if my feelings are hurt along the way... when  I find that someone has been dishonest... it helps to destroy any faith in other things that person might tell me.  A lie by omission is still a lie.. Many people don't seem to think that.. but people are smart enough to know better.  I would rather someone punch me in the gut with a truth than stab me with the long blade of a lie.. I feel like every person has things they want to hide now.. my mistrust isn't aimed at any one person.. but at the world in general. I am this way because I choose to be. Yes.. I can choose to feel differently.. I have done so numerous times in the past... and every time.. under a wide variety of circumstances.. I have been shown that people can't be trusted. So.. I live my life.. gather up my popcorn.. and spend my time.. watching the trainwrecks

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...
Read more

Stay Out Of Things Where I Don't Belong.

I am starting to get used to the hours... I think... who knows.. one day I feel like I was drug out of my bed kicking and screaming... other days I feel like I've been poured full of coffee and energy drinks... I've cut down on my morning coffee by the way... Oh... I didn't blog about that... after first moving here, I started drinking flavored coffee in the mornings... but I've decided I don't want to get dependent on that.... I still have the occasional coffee... but as I've said before... too much of anything is a bad idea... so I cut back.  I also decided to give up something for Lent... I might have blogged about it... but I tried to think of something that would be a sacrifice.. so I gave up masturbation.  I know that's not really in the spirit of Lent... as far as giving up something like that... but hey... I can't think of many other things I enjoy more... especially with my sex life as it is... I sorta don't have the inspiration at this poi...
Read more