I am an intended victim.

I've gotten to where I like Sunday mornings.. lie in bed.. late.. even if I can't sleep.. I can relax.. think.. which isn't always a good thing.. but it's something different.  I've been thinking a lot recently about my life.. and my situation.  I don't plan on changing a whole lot anytime soon, but I feel the need to get out of this place.. and do something.. I've thought about going to the park and walking through the nature trails... but it would be like me to break my leg or something.... and most of the nature trails don't give me cell phone reception.. since they are so isolated... Dad wants me to come visit.. I feel badly about not going.. that could be something else I could do.... but I dread listening to how much he misses Mom... not that I don't want to let him get it out.... but I'm missing her too.. and when I say something about it.. he starts on how much they were together.. almost like it's a contest on who misses her more..  He keeps calling me.. asking what I'm doing during my time off... and insistent that he isn't telling me what to do.. but that he'd like to see us when we have time off... I told him that I'm working 70+ hours a week at the moment.. and that I have very little free time.. I know he's disappointed.. but he will have to live with it.

I have a few friends I could visit.. just to go and do something with.. hang out.. I used to do that with my cousin and a few former friends a long time ago.. when I had a life.. it's just such a long drive to do anything besides be with the animals who seem to have a death wish by flinging themselves at my vehicle.. think of what they would do to me... revenge maybe?  It's a dull and dreary day outside.. and it's not too much better in here.. I know what will happen.. I will sit here.. not doing anything.. because I've made excuses.. oh to be back on a 40 hour workweek.. I would have the motivation that I use to work that extra 30 hours ...to do something more productive. something different..  Well.. I have a farm to attend.. and a cafe to run.. even if they are only on facebook.. I have characters to level.. I think that's why I like doing what I do.. even though it's pointless.. it gives me the feeling of being productive.. doing something.. even if it's only virtual. I have grown to live within the expectations of my life. I have pissed off a few friends by doing my own thing.. but they'll have to get used to it.  I have said it all along.. and I will always continue to say it.. I have no expectations of the future.. and those people that grow to have expectations of me.. will be disappointed. It doesn't matter who it is... the only one I hold myself accountable to is my daughters.. and that bothers me to a point.. I don't even want that responsibility.. but because I have it.. I will take it.. I will provide for them.. and help them all I can... but I don't even feel like much of a Dad anymore... I don't like being trapped here... I don't like being trapped in my job.. I just want to get in my car.. and drive for a few days.. get away.. not knowing when I'm coming back..  I don't know what happened to me.. I used to care... want a stable life.. but that was when I believed that things could be stable..  now I realize that chaos just looms around the next corner.. and like everyone else.. I am an intended victim.