Most people just don't know themselves.

I am having a difficult time thinking straight today... I was up and down all last night.. I didn't actually get out of bed.. but was awake for most of the night... my phone still is giving me fits.. so it's almost useless.. I feel like most of the world is passing me by.. I keep hearing the same song from the people in my life.. but I don't know if I will ever sing it too.. I know myself all too well.. and even though I can still get up each morning.. and face each new day.. I don't look for things to change in my situation anytime in the even not-so-distant future.  My spouse is actually doing stuff around the house.. cleaning.. organizing.. it's weird.. I'm still working my 14 - 16 hour days.. if I continue at my current pace all year.. which I know I won't.. I will make over 100k this year.. and I might even survive... more likely I would die from exhaustion... I did schedule an appointment at the doctor next Tues. ...not that I figure he'll find anything wrong with me.. but you never know.. I sorta upset a friend by saying.. maybe I'll find out that I've got something bad.. ...I don't worry about stuff like that anymore... If he finds something wrong... I'll deal with it.. I'll adjust.. just like I have to everything else.
 Sometimes I really think that taking my morning bath helps me with my attitude just a bit... I paused in blogging to take my bath.. and as I lay in the tub.. thinking about things for a few minutes.. I realized that I don't want to go through the hardship and suffering that I've seen others experience.  I feel like I've suffered enough already.  My Dad is suffering now.. I can tell it in the few times he does call me... my aunt has cancer in her legs.. they've removed 2 tumors already... I hope she can overcome it.. I don't know what my future has in store for me.. as I've said so many times... I really don't think I am very optimistic about anything now though... I've realized that beneath it all.. I am a pessimist.. Have I always been one?  I don't think so.. but a catastrophic event in anyone's life can bring to the surface all the doubts and fears that are so easily suppressed on a day to day basis. I don't see me being different.. ever, really.. but that doesn't mean I still don't feel anything.. I do.. I feel a lot.. I want a tremendous amount.. I just have no hope in it.. no faith in any person.. I still believe that most people don't even know themselves.. and anything they say.. may or may not be true.. not because they are intentionally lying.. but because they have fooled themselves into thinking that things are a certain way. I've experienced it so much in my life.. and even though I'm not that old.. I really can't truly get past the point that most people just don't know themselves.

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