I will keep on posting.

Another morning.. another day... life goes on..  I have no idea how long I will keep my job.. but I'm going to try not to worry about it... I'm hoping the budget cuts for where I work will not trickle down for at least another year.. but who knows. I have been through worse... I worked late again last night... but it was a decent night... no one killed anyone.. and I was able to get a little work done.   I feel like my life really doesn't revolve around me anymore... I think it  involves my doing things for others... and I need to get away from depending on others to be there.. I don't think it's a healthy thing... but I'm glad for those that want help.. that need a shoulder...or ear.. I just need to remember there is a limit.. I don't need to involve myself completely in anyone's life.. Sometimes when I interact with others.. I can come across as mean... or cocky... I don't mean to be that way.. and anyone who knows me.. knows I'm not.. I will try to be as completely honest as I can.. and when I shoot things straightforward... it comes across as though I am cold and callous... the thing is.. I'm not going to dictate to anyone who should or should not be in my life.. If someone chooses to spend time with me.. that's good.. if they don't.. that's good too.. everyone should live for themselves.  Too many times in our life.. we become dependent on others.. we allow others to dictate how we feel.. and it shouldn't be that way. I'm me.. that's all I can be.  I won't look to another person to define who I am.  ...in my marriage I feel stuck.. because of my kids.. don't get me wrong .. I care about my daughters more than anyone else on the planet.. but it doesn't mean I don't resent having to live in a room sometimes.. yes.. I can go out.. and do something... but that isn't really a convenient thing either.. with where I live... and I work many hours.. because it gets me out of the house..  I have lots of spare time.. because when I get home.. none of it is spoken for.. it all has been going to my online game.. or facebook.. and I know that's not completely healthy either... but that's how life is.. I need an escape to go to on occasion.  This blog.. is my only outlet I can completely count on.. this is probably the most important thing to my mental health right now... I can get things out.. where I can think about them.. and try to work through problems... Most problems we have.. we all cause... I think a lot of them are lack of motivation... we appear indecisive..  because we just don't have the motivation to get things done... I suppose that's part of what of the lack of effort we all experience.. I want things to be okay in my life.. but I'm too lazy to do anything about them.. Sure.. I work 60 - 70 hours a week.. but when it comes to my life.. I am completely unwilling to work on fixing things.. probably because I've grown so content in living like I do.. but I live in the same house as an acquaintance... I want to be able to get up and go.. without having to answer to anyone... I'm 45... and I feel like I haven't lived much of a life.. I'm still young enough to be able to enjoy things... Am I experiencing a mid-life crisis?   ... will it pass?   .. I have no idea.. I think we all go through some things like this.. not wanting to settle into a groove and become sedimentary.. I hope I am able to become a bit more aware of what I'm feeling by blogging.. and addressing issues as they come up.. so when it comes to my morning blog...  I will keep on posting...

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