It's not going to happen.

I seem to be on a roll recently.. I continue to push people out of my life... but it's something that I am certain will happen sooner or later anyway... I am not... capable of a relationship... I am not capable of a relationship... I am not capable of a relationship.. how many times do I have to say it.. My trust issues are so deep now it's scary.. I don't want to be the project.. no one has to "save me" ...I don't want to be saved.. I love being witty.. I love social interaction.. but I will not emotionally commit myself.. I can't help that I'm so irresistible... ROTFLMAO.. I can't even say that without a bit of a laugh coming out...  Anyone who thinks they are going to "fix" me... will be severely disappointed.. I really can't say that I will come out of it.. I was told I was a heartless bastard yesterday.. and what I said.. probably was cold.. and uncaring.. but I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not.. and I become a little resentful when asked to be that way.... I'm certain everyone has these little things that fester up inside them.. just waiting.. building... they are uncomfortable.. and sooner or later.. something happens. with me.. someone asks me for the truth.. and I give it to them.. I know that I'm not "right in the head" ...I know that I have problems.. but most of the problems I have are with people who want me to feel something... people who want me to pretend I'm okay.. I don't trust my own feelings.. much less anyone else's... so whatever magic a person chooses to try to come up with.. it isn't going to work.. I am not going to let it.. because I know that it all leads to pain.. and suffering..   I have moments where I forget that.. but it just takes a word.. or phrase.. or song.. or even a memory.. that brings it all back to me.. and I'm not talking about any one person in particular.. I just know that so many things are out of our control.. and whether we choose for them to happen or not... we are going to end up hurting those close to us.. I don't ever want to relive all the pain I've had in the past 6 months.. it's all still there.. but I've dealt with it.. by numbing myself... Any person expecting a lasting emotional commitment from me.. will be hurt...  because it's not going to happen.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...
Read more

Stay Out Of Things Where I Don't Belong.

I am starting to get used to the hours... I think... who knows.. one day I feel like I was drug out of my bed kicking and screaming... other days I feel like I've been poured full of coffee and energy drinks... I've cut down on my morning coffee by the way... Oh... I didn't blog about that... after first moving here, I started drinking flavored coffee in the mornings... but I've decided I don't want to get dependent on that.... I still have the occasional coffee... but as I've said before... too much of anything is a bad idea... so I cut back.  I also decided to give up something for Lent... I might have blogged about it... but I tried to think of something that would be a sacrifice.. so I gave up masturbation.  I know that's not really in the spirit of Lent... as far as giving up something like that... but hey... I can't think of many other things I enjoy more... especially with my sex life as it is... I sorta don't have the inspiration at this poi...
Read more