Under my Hat

I think sometimes I do things.. on the basis of other people.  My life seems to be spent trying to curtail to the whims of other people in my life... my friends.. my family... my employer... I can't begin to be myself much of the time.. because I am worried about trying not to purposely hurt or hinder those people. I have ideas in my head of how my life should go... or what should happen... and many times.. I worry that I'll never have the chance to find.. me... because I am too busy being what I need to be.. for others.  It seems that all these people have expectations of me... I choose to be so many things for so many people.. because I actually do care... but when do I get time for myself??  ...Am I being selfish for thinking this way?  Much of my life seems to be ...waiting.. for things to happen.. I feel so powerless to make.. or stop events. I choose to be who I am.. because I take pride in supporting the people I care about.. and I try to perpetuate honesty an...

I am at a crossroads in my life... I want to push onward... and find something substantial... but I can't seem to figure out exactly where my life is going.  I deal with day-to-day crap... and wait.. and wish for something to happen.. I don't like doing that.. I love to plan my life.. or at least try to.. but I'm in limbo...  I do know that I can count on a few people for support.. no matter what happens... but sometimes I feel like maybe I'm a burden to them too... I think we all struggle with our inner demons.. worried about the outcome of certain things.  All I can do is work toward being the best person I can.. by my standards.. I know I probably will still hurt people.. that's inevitable.. and I'll still be hurt or disappointed... in any case. I gave a friends some advice.. that you should be happy with who you are.. before you can expect anyone else to be happy with you... and sometimes.. I am not happy with me.. that's when I see to try to find answer...

I sit on my bed.. and I think about all the posts I've posted here... they're here now.. a part of my "history" ...and that's something they will remain... do I still feel the same way?.. of course not.. life is about change.. and how we roll with the punches.. and deal with the people that enter and leave our lives. I still sometimes think about things that have happened.. but all I can do is learn from my past mistakes.. and try to make sure I am mindful of similar situations... but that doesn't mean I need to dwell on them.. People are different.. I would hate to be judged on the actions of those around me... because I feel I am unique.. just as everyone else is.  I am glad of all the events that have made me who I am.. I feel sorry for myself sometimes.. for no reason... I am a strong person... I just lose a bit of myself from time to time... I believe in supporting my friends.. and listening to those people who would share a part of my life.  There are a ...

Up at a normal time this morning... I'm not working any more overtime.. until it's pre-approved... The whole center is way over on overtime for the year.. and I'm am the highest non-management salary on the center. It makes no sense for them to work me so much overtime, anyway... but they still continued to do it.  I have my mid-year evaluation today. It's more of just a formality... not that it makes a difference when it comes to bonuses... or salaries.. or anything like that. I am hoping to take over the staff representative for the student government.. but I'm not certain how that will play out either. I did that once before and enjoyed helping out... it would be a sensible move since all the SGA members are my students. I am trying to get everything lined out after the storm yesterday.. Lightning hit one of the relay stations... and burned out a bunch of equipment... and some cable... They finally had it fixed late last night.. at least to the point where our eq...

Early morning here... thunderstorm... I like storms.. it's always been sort of peaceful listening to the thunder... and watching the sky light up... I'm a little leery if the wind picks up a bit.. but.. for the most part.. I enjoy them. I always wondered what it would be like to have sex in a storm.. but.. who knows..  In any case, I am up a bit early this morning. I don't really think that I intended to run off anyone... as a matter of fact, I have been my usual self.. not addressing any issues on  the site.. I took students to test yesterday... and sneaked off for a few minutes to visit the vampires again yesterday... they finally got the last vial of blood they needed. I have this thing about the quality of service that has fallen so much in recent years... no one takes pride in their job anymore. It's like everyone just does enough to get by.. and that's it. I believe no matter what your job is.. do it right... take a little pride in being competent..  How many ...

I'm being me... it's all I know how to be.. not really sure what I want to post this morning... 4 am is too early to get up for me... and it's not positively affecting my brain. I am taking my time at dealing with the minor crap that comes up in my life... and there's only the major crap of having to deal with my location.. living situation.. and dad.. Yesterday, I did the whole blood test thing.. as I am on a medication for my psoriasis that they want to keep check on me... I tried to get it done the other day.. but didn't realize my donations of blood was going to be an ongoing process... so I had eaten... so.. anyway.. when I stopped in to feed the vampires... I sat and closed my eyes as the needle sucked the life out of me... gettting one tube.. then.. damn.. nothing else.. so.. she moved to the other arm.. jab.. nothing.. other than the small pinhead of blood that occurred once the needle is removed.. I seemed to have no blood...  she then tells me.. that she c...

So... I'm cured.. I don't need to blog anymore... LOL.. no... that's not the case.. I still have my ongoing issues and will use this blog for ...therapy.... but I don't feel the need to throw everything out here anymore... I feel comfortable with the small amount of pressure I have going on inside my head now. I am still going to be cautious when it comes to trusting others... but I am tremendously optimistic about my future.  I find that people are still being.. asshats when it comes to rumors and innuendo.. but I'm going to okay with that too... I am going to leave it alone and let fly what may fly.  It's strange how people want to cause drama... just for the sake of causing it.  I started frequenting a site I used to be at.. and I really enjoy the interaction.. although it might take me a little while to get started with all I was before... The main thing is .. I'm not going to let anyone dictate to me.. what I can and can't do... I am happy with bein...

So... maybe yesterday closed out a chapter of my life that should never have happened. I think that someone finally got on the same page as me about that. ...in any case, that being said... I hope that everyone who reads this knows that this blog is about a release of personal feelings and thoughts. There is no mod here except ourselves... our own thoughts and ideas.  To modify those would be wrong... Blogs are created so that people can deal with what is going on inside their head. Certain sites have moderators that keep the peace... so to speak.. but no matter what, those policing efforts cannot restrict what we think about. I strongly support my friends... and their right to believe what they want to.. I did something that might not have been the smartest thing in the world, yesterday... but I'm not sorry I did it. I logged into a site.. that I'm not supposed to be anymore...  *gasp*  ...and how was that wrong you may ask... did I log in.. and smear someone's character...

I slept very soundly last night.. most sleep I've had in awhile... but it was to catch up a little bit. I am now well rested and ready to take on another day.  I have a tendency to be nosey as far as my friends are concerned.  I will ask them what is going on in their life.. and I will still post stalk them.. to see how they are.. I do feel occasionally that I might be annoying them at times.. so.. I back off on the questions.  We had someone move a mobile home next door yesterday.. and they're setting it up.. they have 2 kids... a girl age 8 and boy age 5... my youngest might now have someone to play with...  I get worried sometimes.. keeping my kids out here in the middle of nowhere.. that it might stunt their social development... I know they go to public school.. and that they interact there.. but I want them to not feel as trapped out here in the woods.. as I feel.   I still hate it here.. The next week will bring a whole slew of people from the Dept. of La...

Yesterday we the day from hell... It began with me waking students up... at 6 am... monitoring 210 students in the cafeteria by myself.. and during which dealing with an emergency when one of our female students went into seizures... I got things situated there... and after the ambulance left.. things just kept happening.. student review boards.. I was the chairperson.. we sent 6 home... dealing with the data center... various other things.. then I had to brace for food commodities.. where I take some of my students to senior center to help the elderly with carrying their food out to their vehicles... with 7 of my students.. then I had a doc appointment in the afternoon.. so lots of stuff.. finally got home about 6... and was very tired... despite all of that today was one of the most wonderful days I've had in a long time... It ended on a very happy note.. and all is right with the world again... I feel like bad things can happen.. and distract us from being happy... if we let the...

So... Life is good.  People are okay... and things happen. I almost wanted to just stop there and say .. that's good enough for the day.  I am better.. I am actually.. okay.. things are good.. I am taking care of things in my life.. I have cleaned out my pics of former interests.. I have done spring cleaning on many aspects of my life.  I have straightened up my friends list.. and are keeping only those that will not negatively bring me down... I hope to be pursing positive things for a long time.. I am still working at my job.. and I will be working some overtime... they want me to work 7 days a week.. I don't think I'm going to do that though.. the money is nice.. but I do need a day off every once in awhile.  I am hoping to keep some money coming in.. because my spouse is spending it.. well.. I guess I spend a little more than necessary too.. but I've cut way back. I still worry about my friends.. I want them to be happy.. but I see lots of bad decisions that wi...

Lately I feel like my life is falling into place.  Maybe things are happening as quickly as I'd like them, but.. they have promise.. possibilities... I am trying to embrace the outlook that life is what it seems.. that people... for the most part are who they seem to be... I have lots of setbacks...in that mode of thinking.. because of the dishonesty that I've run across... the people who play each other... I just cling to the hope.. that finally I've run into a part of my life that I will never have to worry about that.at least not by those that I allow close to me. I run into people that continue to try to harass my friends... just to get a reaction. I try to trust my friends... as much as I can... I am certain I still have a bit of cynicism and mistrust due to my past.. I am cautious in what I believe.. but for the most part... I am starting to get my optimism back. I feel that after hundreds of hours of chat and talk.. I can begin to know a person decently...  I know I ...

I hate it.. these strong premonitions I occasionally get.. I got one about my mom's gall bladder.. tried to warn her.. and she's no longer with us... I won't take another one that lightly again... I woke up in a cold sweat last night..  Someone I chat with.. is very likely to get AIDS.. within the next 4 - 6  months.. but they won't know about it.. I think I will know who.. within 4 months.. I don't want this to happen... that's why I'm going to tell everyone I chat with.. be careful... the sad part about it.. is when I chat with them.. when I figure it out... they won't believe me.. they will say.. it's impossible.. he wore a condom..  I just don't know... I hope... seriously hope I'm wrong.. but this one is freaking me out a bit... the problem is.. that AIDS tests aren't accurate for 6 months.. I have a strict policy in place... I would never have sex.. with someone.. that has had sex in 6 months.. and hasn't been tested.. I myself ...

I've become... mellow.. or at least more mellow than I was.  I've always been a pretty laid back kind of guy. I do think I'm somewhat selfish though... I do things for other people.. in order to feel better about myself. I enjoy doing things for my friends.. I am happy when I am working... for the most part... because I feel like I'm helping others there too. I don't know why I feel the need to be so... humanitarian. I'm not very modest... as it is plain to see.  But I hate to see someone mistreated.  I feel like if I can do something.. I should. I believe we all owe it to each other to do what we can for our fellow inhabitants of this world. Life for most would be much easier if everyone took this attitude.. but you have those people who are selfish.. in a different respect.  They will steal.. kill.. or hurt anyone in the way of them having what they want. One thing that has always bothered me.. is how some people can beat others.. especially children. To me.. ...

Long ago, I learned that things are not always as they appear. That's why I try to set myself up to be open-minded about many things... and unless I know both sides to a story, I find myself reluctant to take sides in a situation.  Still our perception makes us believe things that aren't exactly true. I have been less and less like that in the past 8 months or so.  I'm not ready to say that I was wrong about a lot of things.. because I don't feel like I am.  Every action we take.. has repercussions. Sometimes people choose to believe things about me.. without knowing the full story... or even knowing, decide that issues cannot be other than what they perceive.  Personally, I have entertained a few ideas about things that I found to be totally false... however when I get my "gut instincts"... I am much more frequently right.. than wrong.  I hate to blanket judge a group of people.... because that is unfair... and no matter how much I am shown the lies and decep...

Yesterday was Friday the 13th.. nothing extraordinarily unlucky happened.. but.. I am still recovering from a whirlwind of a week.  There is a lot expected at work now.. and maybe it'll all get done.. but.. if it doesn't.. it won't be because of me.  I am glad to see people in my life who now support me.. but for the most part.. there are others that go and talk about me behind my back... I had a discussion with a former friend awhile back.. about whether or not.. if someone says something about you.. would you want to know.. she maintains that it is just starting drama and said she'd never want to know.. so.. I leave her alone.. she doesn't want me in her life anymore anyway.  I don't really hold anything against her other than the fact that she lives with her own version of the truth.. when I have conversations that say things completely different than she sees them. I won't go stir up any more drama by dwelling on those.. but I am sad that she has somethi...

Do you ever get tired of waking up.. to the same old thing.. day after day after day after day after day....well you get the picture..  I don't want to be here anymore.. I want to be somewhere.. I can wake up...take a quick morning shower.. and then go running... for an hour or so...  just because I can.  I like being in civilization.. not out in the middle of freakin' nowhere.  but this is what I'm subjected to all my waking hours..  the only escape I have is coming online... or dreaming... neither of them is what I would call.. active..  I still have high hopes for my friends. I want them to discover the breakthrough that is so close for them... I feel that with several... but I don't want to goad anyone into making decisions.. or changes that they are not ready for.   I am a firm believer that people choose to meddle where they don't belong.. I suppose I've done it myself.. but.. I only did so out of concern for someone else... and then to have them...

Back up earlier.. I have to be at work at 6am for awhile... not too bad... but a bit annoying at times to lose that extra time in the morning.  Still.. the extra money can come in handy.  I read back over early January posts.. .and really cried.. but I can honestly say that my outlook isn't the same now as it was then. Am I this new person that is so enlightened that I don't need to be sad or skeptical?  ...of course not. I still have doubts about people.. a sort of pessimistic attitude about various things in my life.  But ... I am making choices not based on negativity. I think about my past... that much is certain... but I am not going to let it control me.  My past is just that... it's over... gone.. done with.. I can't pretend that I have made correct choices in my life... but the choices I made... were right for me... they are what has led me to this point in time.  I can make certain that I don't re-live those mistakes.. We have certain things in our...

I always have wondered ...why are things so difficult?  Do we make them that way? ...or do we inadvertantly cause conflict in other's lives?  I have noticed several things as of late that just make no sense... but still things happen for a reason.. I have to believe in that.  For a long time.. I believed that if I could go back and change things.. I wouldn't.. because that would make my situation change... and I didn't want that.. I lost that outlook last year... and felt as though I wish I could change soooo much.. but that was when I was hurting.. I don't want to be put on a pedestal... but in the same sense.. I don't want to be treated like dirt either.... I have friends that do both.... All I need is to be myself.. whoever that is.. sometimes.. I think I'm still trying to figure that out.  Our lives are a journey... we make different choices.. and take different paths.. sometimes that pulls us away from those in our lives... still we also make choices that g...

I logged in for a bit last night.. to a site that I believed gave me a space to vent.. but I'm kidding myself... it only gives me a space where I can try to validate who I am... sometimes I don't even know who that is.  When I log in... it seems as though... I expect myself to be a certain way... I have to be my witty and charming self.. and I don't want expectations at the moment.. I am me.. simple as that.  I don't want to be dependent on anyone to be necessary. Too many times we seek out others to give ourselves meaning... my life.. isn't planned... but it seems as though much of it has become repetition. I wish sometimes I had just some sort of map to tell me how to move forward... it's much more difficult than it first appears. Not much makes sense anymore. People are distancing themselves from me... and that's perfectly fine... I will interact with those that choose to be a part of my world... and those that don't.. can go their merry way. I don...

Yesterday was very difficult for me.. Mom loved Easter.. and now.. it was so... empty without her. I know it'll get hard around the other holidays too.. but.. I'll make it through them also. So.. I've been thinking.. and contemplating various ideas in my head.. I still can't figure out who tells me the truth anymore.. not completely anyway.  I think people say what they want you to hear... for the most part... I try not to think that way of everyone.. but I'm finding more and more people in my life seem to do that. I am wanting to be independent.. and I think I have established to myself.. that I can be.. I could never invite someone to share my life with me if I thought they were emotionally dependent.  Too many times, people will require someone... just anyone.. to be with them.. in order to complete themselves... I'm already complete.. I don't need that in my life.. nor do I need to complete someone else.  Yes.. I still am very damaged.. I still feel that...

Easter weekend.. end of Lent.. I'll be back on facebook soon.. as soon as I find the time, anyway... I am working on updating the software on my daughters iPods they got for Easter... I am taking just a few minutes out for blogging... I think the longer I am online.. the more conflicted I become... because I still feel that so many people out there.. are untruthful.. even myself.. I'm untruthful to myself at times.. it happens.. I think that it is human instinct to lie to say what they want to believe.. or want others to believe.. sometimes without even knowing it... it's why we run into so many conflicts. Finding someone completely open.. is a rarity.. and even if you do... you never truly know if they are being honest with themselves.  Sometimes it takes thought and reflection on one's life to figure out what they truly want... most people have never even figured that out yet... if someone wants something.. then why don't they go ahead and choose it.. so many fact...

I have a huge conflict going on in my head right now... I know that most people at the site I visit... are superficial.. what few that aren't have ways to interact with me outside the site... so.. when I go there and post.. and become someone I'm not.. I feel like I'm lying to people.  My trust seems to be broken down as I continue to frequent the site.  I am trying to decide the best course of action for me.. and in doing so.. maintain my sense of who I am.  I really have no basis for taking a leap of faith other than the fact that I was thinking about healing. I have been told that my words before.. are a lie.. because I say all these things.. prior to now.. and then.. I am doing something different. I do have.. these feelings that are guiding me.. and I have been trusting in those feelings.  Is it wrong to change from all the things I believed... to having hope based on Faith?  I kept getting hearing from some of my friends... that I would heal.. that I just ...

I woke up this morning... with the knowledge that today.. I was going to let myself believe... Am I going to be like I used to be?... no.. that person is dead... destroyed... I don't ever want to be that person again, anyway... I want to continue to grow.. to advance forward in my life.  I will take the experiences I've had... both positive and negative... and build on those... Hopefully I will be able to avoid reliving some of the past mistakes I've made. I have introduced someone into my life that I feel will be very good for me. Someone who doesn't require anything from me.. she is independent... but still wants me to be a part of her life. I will share what I can and hopefully develop a relationship that will continue to flourish.  I know that I need to be open.. and honest.. and let things go from there. I was told recently about how I was a liar.. that I have said things that were untrue.. and I feel very sorry for the person that believes that. It did bother me t...

I had 50 percent pass rate... 6 students had to make 49/60... 2 made.. 47 and 1 made 48.... so.. it was close. But.. they still didn't make it.  So does that make them a failure? I believe that it makes them.. unsuccessful... We try many things.. and sometimes we end up succeeding.. sometimes not. I don't believe that anyone can be successful in every endeavor. I have realized this.. even though sometimes it's difficult to accept that the failure could be mine. I am now at a place in my life.. where I can continue to spin my wheels.. or I can try to move... forward?  backward?   I don't know... but at least it's in some direction. I feel like so many people are biting their tongue.. trying not to say they had expectations... but actually did.  ...I won't make things happen... invite people into my life.. if I am felt it's a requirement from me.  I worked lots of overtime... for nothing.. in years past.. because I could do it at my discretion.. I could come a...

I get to go to Nashville again today.... more student testing.. I slept extremely well last night. I am resolved to this... feeling better.. I will have a more positive outlook even if it kills me. I am running my bathwater ..and having my normal morning.. I am just doing it with more gusto.... I will try to maintain my positive attitude and think only positive thoughts.  I am trying very hard not to let the issues around me bring me down... it's more of a self-healing type thing than anything else.  I was surprised to find out that since I haven't been posting much.. someone on the site was missing me... of course it is a guy... but.. beggars can't be choosers... I will sometimes play around.. joke with certain people.. and I suppose I do it.. to lift my spirits.. I am hoping to spend some time offline this weekend.. just doing some things I want to do... Giving myself a break from posting and reading.. and reading.. and posting..  I am just hoping my positive attitude h...

I let myself sink further into my pit of despair yesterday... just because I got to thinking about things that I can't change. Whether I'm in a pit... or a tower.. it doesn't matter... I will be okay.  I am not angry with anyone.. I am not upset with life.. I have grown to accept that things are the way they are.    I don't seek to change anyone.. and will continue to live my life.. a day at a time.. according to my standards... I really don't require much... and anything that happens in a positive light... is just a bonus. I still have people in my life.. that support me.. even if I screw up. When I need space.. time by myself... they support that too... All of us like to feel important to someone... but for some.. it's a necessity... I have had a lot of those people in my life. I go back to the fact that a person has to be happy with themselves... and very few people can do that.... they need someone to complete them... I sincerely enjoy having my friends as a...

As far as most people are concerned... I think I'm more cynical than ever. I am seeing a lot of dishonesty... a lot of mistrust... and it seems rampant.  I was even  almost pulled into a little drama last week on a site I haven't even logged into in 7 months now.. except to close my profile there.  I blogged yesterday... then read my horoscope.. and was amazed as how closely similar they were. It was about people being comfortable with themselves. Most people I run into.. are not comfortable with themselves. At one time, I was made to be paranoid about everyone. I don't think anyone is out to get me anymore.. I just think that most people choose to be dishonest... because they are. Is that only based on the type of people I happen to run into on the sites? ....perhaps.  It's even amazing at the amount of information that is thrown my way when I am not even looking to hear things.. It seems to be history repeating itself... over and over.. with different characters pl...

We continue to move forward with our lives... we try not to have expectations of our future.. because we know that will only lead to disappointment... but I have these... feelings.. that things are going to change... but I don't know in what direction... I have pushed a lot of friends out of my life  recently.  I can't choose who will choose to stay a part of my life.. but I don't see me changing my outlook on the way I view people. I think we all use people.. to feel better about ourselves.. for information.. even for support... and some of those uses are constructive... I want to there for my friends.. but I don't ever want to feel like I'm a placeholder.. a substitute for someone that is no longer in their life.. and then I just feel a void that is left over.. anyone can do that.. or anyone that will return the sentiment shown.. ...I am a firm believer that people have to be comfortable with themselves.. before they be in a constructive relationship.. I'm ok ...