Because I need to.

I've become... mellow.. or at least more mellow than I was.  I've always been a pretty laid back kind of guy. I do think I'm somewhat selfish though... I do things for other people.. in order to feel better about myself. I enjoy doing things for my friends.. I am happy when I am working... for the most part... because I feel like I'm helping others there too. I don't know why I feel the need to be so... humanitarian. I'm not very modest... as it is plain to see.  But I hate to see someone mistreated.  I feel like if I can do something.. I should. I believe we all owe it to each other to do what we can for our fellow inhabitants of this world. Life for most would be much easier if everyone took this attitude.. but you have those people who are selfish.. in a different respect.  They will steal.. kill.. or hurt anyone in the way of them having what they want. One thing that has always bothered me.. is how some people can beat others.. especially children. To me.. those people who do that should be taken and beaten daily themselves.. just so they realize what it is they're doing. Wouldn't that be a fantastic form of punishment.. if you commit a crime.. have the same thing done to you... 7 times.. I think if everyone knew that was in store.. it would slow down the amount of wrongdoing.. of course it would never stop it.. as most people feel they'll never get caught. ..but people will continue to steal... lie.. cheat..  because they can... I believe once a person is prone to lying.. or whatever other bad thing.. they will continue to do it.. because it becomes ingrain in them... I cheated on my spouse.. I justified it by saying that we had no marriage.. even though there's a piece of paper that says we do. Still the first time.. was a bit difficult because it was something I had to deal with in my head.  I've slept alone for 15 years.. I've not intimately touched my spouse in 5 years now.. I frequent a site where most people are... cheaters.. but through it all.. I prefer to remain monogamous.. I know that sounds strange... but the paper is the only evidence in my life that says I'm married.. I live in this house.. alone.. in my room.. and I continue to segregate myself from my family.. I spend time with my youngest.. but my oldest daughter.. does a lot of her own thing.  I only hope they can forgive me when I leave the shell of the marriage I am in. ...but I'll do it.. because I need to.

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