I've made several poor choices.

As far as most people are concerned... I think I'm more cynical than ever. I am seeing a lot of dishonesty... a lot of mistrust... and it seems rampant.  I was even  almost pulled into a little drama last week on a site I haven't even logged into in 7 months now.. except to close my profile there.  I blogged yesterday... then read my horoscope.. and was amazed as how closely similar they were. It was about people being comfortable with themselves. Most people I run into.. are not comfortable with themselves. At one time, I was made to be paranoid about everyone. I don't think anyone is out to get me anymore.. I just think that most people choose to be dishonest... because they are. Is that only based on the type of people I happen to run into on the sites? ....perhaps.  It's even amazing at the amount of information that is thrown my way when I am not even looking to hear things.. It seems to be history repeating itself... over and over.. with different characters playing the part.  I just saw the comment of the previous blog... and I have to admit.. it is very funny.. I am at times ok with smiling at my discomfort.. and maybe I enjoy my cynicism.. a little too much. It's much safer.. I have actually made many steps toward trying to heal... but I enjoy my tower... I was clueless.. and naive before.  To the point that I wanted to believe in something that evidently didn't last... my emotions were so absolute.. so strong.. that I thought the feeling was mutual... but either ... she changed... and decided that I wasn't needed... not enough.... or there was never anything there in the first place, and she was kidding herself the entire time.. and me along with herself.. That's what I'm most afraid of than anything.... That with everything I've seen... I went from a person who believed in the happily-ever-after kind of love... to the person who now wonders how could it be any stronger for me... than what I felt.. and if what I felt.. no matter how strong it was... is only self delusion.  Yes... my faith in people was pretty much shot by that.. because I chose to put all my faith and hope in one person. I made one person my world.. and she wasn't ready for that.. I never have to worry about that again because she will never be a part of my life. I still get reminded constantly of things that I feel were lies.. not even made to her.. but ones I made to myself when I chose to believe in something that she couldn't hold onto..  That's where I worry about the future... if it happened once.. it could happen again... I am still the same person I've always been... I just don't know how much caring I am capable of now.. and that is what bothers me the most... I've told many people.. that I won't emotionally invest myself in them.. because I choose not to.. it's always a choice.. we pick and choose who we want to be a part of our life.. and in my past.. I've made several poor choices..

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