People can come and go as they please.

I logged in for a bit last night.. to a site that I believed gave me a space to vent.. but I'm kidding myself... it only gives me a space where I can try to validate who I am... sometimes I don't even know who that is.  When I log in... it seems as though... I expect myself to be a certain way... I have to be my witty and charming self.. and I don't want expectations at the moment.. I am me.. simple as that.  I don't want to be dependent on anyone to be necessary. Too many times we seek out others to give ourselves meaning... my life.. isn't planned... but it seems as though much of it has become repetition. I wish sometimes I had just some sort of map to tell me how to move forward... it's much more difficult than it first appears. Not much makes sense anymore. People are distancing themselves from me... and that's perfectly fine... I will interact with those that choose to be a part of my world... and those that don't.. can go their merry way. I don't know what tomorrow will bring.. I don' even know if it will  take me in a different direction than I am going today. What I put in my blog.. is what I'm feeling.. right now.. each day.... it's what is on my mind.. at that moment...  I can't be true to myself if I put what I think other people want to hear.... so... if something bothers someone.. or a person doesn't feel they can respect my right to say what I think.... you are invited to leave. I don't even say that people have to agree with me.. I would hope that everyone has their own mind to take them in whatever direction they want to go... it just seems as though more and more people are choosing to wander off into their own little world.. I want to be cautious in my interactions with people... but in moving to the site.. I am looking at things in a superficial way.. I knew I would.. but I did it anyway... when I attempted to do that last night... I became someone I'm not again..  or maybe I am that person.. and that might be what scares me.. I felt superficial.. I felt as though my interaction was just a show for others.. and I don't want to be that. I don't want to perform for anyone. Those that know me.. know that I sometimes get sidetracked.. sometimes have difficulty focusing on what I want to do... but eventually I'll get it right.  I am not giving up on who I am... Will I go back to the site... each day? ...probably not.. I log on and post.. and read.. but for the most part.. the posting will be minimal... as I am not ready to take the stage for the amusement of others. I will not force myself to be something... or someone I'm not. ...and I've been doing that for a bit.. I try to follow the little voice I have inside.. and be true to that.. because so many others have let me down.. I just need to give myself a chance... I am finding a peace.. that I might be able to cling to.. just by staying in my world.. and inviting others in... the nice thing about that.. is that people can come and go as they please.

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