Under my Hat

I actually like the way my diet is paying off.. I am getting abs.. instead of "ab" ... I still have a little way to go.. but this pic was taken today.. yes.. that's me... I'm almost finished with my vacation.. so I didn't make my bed today.. and I really need to pick up the room a bit.. I just chose to take the day off from cleaning.. but tomorrow is Monday.. so back to work.. and back to straightening up a bit.  for now.. this is me.. being lazy.

A new year is about to start.. but sometimes I really don't think there is anything to get all excited about.  Nothing seems to get any better... maybe I'm just in a funk or something.. but for all intensive purposes... I just exist.  I don't really get any enjoyment out of life.. or not that much anyway..  I sometimes wish I were as naive as I used to be.. and just think that things had a chance of working out for the best.. but I know that's no longer the case... life doesn't have a happy ending like you see in the movies.. or most movies, anyway.  I am just content with not being miserable.. does that sound weird?  I know that things can always be worse... but I am not looking for the fairy tale ending anymore.. I wouldn't trust it even if it came along... I am not even certain how I got so pessimistic... I can chat with one of my friends.. and my thoughts are.. why are they talking to me?  ...what's their motive... I have lost pretty much any inkling of...

I put on a medium jacket today... and it fit... I can tell a difference.. even though I've slipped a bit in the last couple of days... it doesn't matter.. I still feel much better physically. I am not worried about the size I am.. even if I have put on a few pounds over the last week.. I'm doing much better than I was.. and just need to find a regiment of eating habits that I can deal with continuously.. something I don't have to feel like I have to miss out on things I want to eat.  I suppose at times, I tend to be a glutton.  I get something that I really enjoy.. and I just want to eat as much as I can hold... Now that I realize that.. I think I can maintain a handle on it all.. I just want to be healthy... that's the whole purpose of this in the first place. I was reading about this whole "fiscal cliff" thing... and at first I was a little concerned.. then I realized it's all politics... there never was any plan on anything not being settled.. but...

Christmas is over... it started out decently... then as the day progressed... it went downhill.  I've said it before... and I'll say it again.. it's amazing how a song... or some other trigger can cause all these emotions to come flooding through a person.... I heard the song "Christmas Shoes" by Alabama yesterday.. and I couldn't stop crying.  I miss Mom... sooooo much. It was difficult to spend all that time yesterday with my Dad and my sisters and their families... I was trying to crack jokes and make things light.. I even tried to keep busy by spending most of my time cooking..  but when the meal arrived.. and there was little else to do but eat... I started feeling the pain of not having Mom with us this Christmas.... she always got so involved in Christmas.. and the family getting together.  My brother-in-law made dad a huge reproduction of my Mom's graduation picture... I'm glad I didn't see it.. my sister said that my Dad hugged it and brok...

Twas the night before Christmas.. and I sat here in my chair... Thinking the same thoughts.. about life going nowhere... My daughters were nestled all snug in their bed... so instead of sleeping I'm blogging instead... My wife in her grandma dress I'm sure in her room.. as separation from me will be coming very soon.. My kids asleeping.. my friends aren't online... Too bad the thoughts I'm thinking aren't mine... They were put there by conversations with someone about romance and dating.. and all the stuff I had done.. Out through my mouth I said it quite gruff... about relationships.. I've had enough... My trust is all over.. I won't have any more... no matter what the future for me has in store.. I became all distraught when I thought I had something real.. and my heart broke in pieces.. and might be damaged still.. I know the meter for the real rhyme is shot... but I can't help but be thinking about what I've got.. I still have m...

It's amazing how things can be going along all "hunky-dory" ...then all of a sudden something happens to turn a day into a pretty shitty day... I decided to do some last minute shopping today.. and had to turn Dad to voice mail because he just kept calling and calling.. I know it says in the Bible.. honor your father and mother.. but it also says "and you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath.." Believe me there has been plenty of wrathful thoughts brought up in the 46 years I've had to spend around my dad.  Every time I go out.. he is calling.. wanting to know where I am.. when I'm going home.. and if I'm within driving distance.. he'll show up.. just to check on me... that's why I generally head in the opposite direction.  I almost dread talking to him any more... I told him weeks ago.. that  I'd check in with him when I get off work.. and he promised he wouldn't call in the afternoon.. but as soon as he said it.. I knew h...

You know... even as bad a shape as I get in now occasionally.. I am still in much better shape mentally and emotionally than I was years ago.. I let my happiness rest on other people for far too long... and pathetically hoped for something better... I couldn't sleep at night.. I'd try to blame other people for my sadness. ...I looked for things in other places.. and even believed in things I knew deep down... could possibly end... and eventually did.  I was looking for the happy ever after. I spent too much time enjoying the moments I was in... so much.. that I was thinking that was the future.  I should have known better... and I went through the emotional anguish when I found out that my line of thinking wasn't shared.  I think we're all a bit emotionally invested in the people we let into our lives.. it just happens.. even if we don't look for it to.  I have always been the type of person to try to support people.. sometimes even when they didn't need it.  I ...

I've realized that even though we can't change the past... we should respect the lessons we've learned from it.. after all.. people study history in order to try to figure out what the historical outcomes were from all the past actions taken.  I will always have reminders of my past that will take sharp stabs at me when I'm not prepared for it.. but I need to learn to shake it off.  That doesn't mean I want constant reminders.. the problem stems when there are so many reminders.. it is difficult to do much without thinking about things that are no more.  ...so do I hide my head under the covers.. and lock myself in my room to avoid all the mementos of failed endeavors.  I won't live like that.. and I couldn't feel comfortable with myself if I ran and hid from life.  I am in a place where I feel safe enough... and I know that my lessons were learned too well. I am strong enough to be happy with myself..and not need anyone else.  ...nor do I want anyone else ...

I started writing this.. this morning.. then updates caused my computer restarted.. then I had to leave... for work.. and just happen to come back to it... so I published it tonight... Another cold day... another long night's sleep.. I wasn't very tired when I went to bed.. but I slept soundly.. no waking up.. and my eyes popped open at 5 am.. as they usually do. My daughter's birthday was yesterday.  She had her cousin spend the night last night... and they were up later than I was... which is okay, since school is out. I hope it was a fun one for her. I think they're trying to kill me at work.. on top of all my other stuff I have to do, I was told I needed to help straighten out a mess in trade assignments.. not just my trade.. if that had been it... I would have been fine.. even now.. I'm okay with it.. because I have more justification on why I deserve my outstanding rating.  I will continue to work as diligently as I can.. until I find out my lowered rating...

I filed a grievance with my union yesterday... because of what I feel is an unfair evaluation.  I was told that the reason my evaluation was bumped down from an outstanding rating.. was that our center was doing so poorly that no one was justified getting that high of a rating. I don't think I should be rated on the center as a whole.  And there is no way that someone who has only met me a few times in the last 5 years can determine how effectively I work.  The union officials seem to think I have a good case.. I actually said that if they can find 2 people on the center that don't think I deserve an outstanding.. I'd settle for the lower rating.  No one wants to take that challenge. If I didn't deserve an outstanding.. then I don't think I'm capable of it... as I can't do much better than what I have over the last year.  I've channeled much of my frustrations into my work.. and believe me.. I've had lots of frustrations to fuel my drive. I have st...

Sometimes I am a bastard.. I say things so bluntly that I don't regard other's feelings... sometimes things come out and surprise me.. even to the point that I am flabbergasted and don't know how to react.  I guess everyone should keep their own standards.. it's just that sometimes you think you know what those standards are.. and then all of a sudden the standards change.  I believe that the way people think about things are forever changing.. I suppose part of that is due to circumstances. I wish I could wave a magic wand and get everything I want out of life.. but I can't.. and I live with the way things are... but that doesn't mean I'm going to abandon all of my morals just so I can live more comfortably... I guess that in the past.. I let my morality slip.. and each time, I paid the price for it... I wouldn't say that I am a person of high moral fiber to begin with.. but when I go against the basic ideology that I have.. I end up throwing a part of ...

I have decided that I'm going to just stop talking about the future... as it seems the future.. I'm certain, will take care of itself.  All I can do is focus on the present and try to be myself.  I can't see a lot of things happening... but I've been wrong so many times.  I had always considered myself a somewhat intuitive person.. especially about people... but I found out the hard way... I don't know Jack Schitt. Therefore.. when I think about the way things are.. and the way things could have been... I am reliving a fantasy that will never happen.  I think that most people are that way... the grass is always greener on the other side... applies to almost every aspect of our lives.. our jobs.. our companions... I think that we look at people and we choose to see the best out of them.. I know that as time moves on... people have always come to a place where reality sets in.. and they no longer wanted to live in the fantasy... I think it's that way in any relati...

I slept a whole 7 hours last night.. which is the most sleep I've had in awhile.. now I feel groggy... tired.. listless...   I think a person can have too much sleep as well as too little.. especially if your body is accustomed to a certain amount... just like in food.... your body adjust to your eating habits.. that's why we "plateau" when we lose weight... your body has become adjusted to your new eating habits..  In any case... I found it slightly difficult to go to sleep last night.. so I just sat around on the computer for a bit before lying down.. I really don't know have a direction at the moment.. I have very little in the way of motivation to get me moving toward anything.  I know there are things I have to do.. but for the life of me.. I just don't care that much about doing them.  I hate it when I get like that. My mental attitude is one of ... what difference does it make.  So I suppose it's time to give myself the old pep talk about following ...

I wake up at my normal time this morning... for a weekend anyway.. 6 am.. so I have had plenty of sleep.  I played a bit on games.. but something just doesn't seem right today.. and I can't put my finger on it.. I have a few things to get done.. but I have all weekend.  Part of me was thinking.. why not go back to sleep and try to get a do-over.. maybe when you wake up.. all will seem right.. makes as much sense as anything else, so I'm about to head back to bed... just because I can.  I thought maybe if I blogged, I wouldn't take anything back to bed with me... and maybe things would be peaceful. I had a conversation recently that got me to thinking.. I almost never think about sex anymore.. maybe it's because I don't talk that much about it.. and I never do it.. I never really get exposed to the sexual thoughts.. most of my entertainment consists of games... and tv shows online.. nothing erotic or sexual about that.  I don't even make the risque comments...

Okay.. so things look like they're finally going to happen... or at least get started happening.. My center director was on a conference call today concerning center closings... and the list will be out in about 30 days.. the national office will be publishing a list of criteria and procedures for closing the centers they deem necessary to close. I am all but certain that our center will be one closing.  I have two choices... ride it out.. and let them place me somewhere... or look for something myself.. and try to get a decent choice.  I figure if I do that.. I might end up being an instructor for the prison system somewhere.. which isn't altogether a horrible job.. but I think I could find something better I'd prefer to do. I found out today.. that my evaluation that was given by my former supervisor.. was cut down.. not because of MY performance.. but because the center is failing.. and my director's boss's boss said.. no one at our center will receive an outstan...

I tend to forget my dreams ....or at least they fade.. shortly after waking up.. but I have an ordinary dream that just sticks with me... it was very vivid.. not sexual.. not horrific... just an ordinary day.. Well.. almost.. I was actually sitting on a couch.. in a living room.. and watching TV.  I seldom do that... but the most interesting thing.. I was sitting there talking with a stranger.. just like she was family.. well.. no.. more like she was a close friend.  She was VERY tall.. slender... dark complected.. I think she may have been ...Hispanic.. or Asian... Hawaiian.. or Alaskan.. I didn't get a good look at her face.. but enough to know I'd never seen her anywhere before. She had long dark hair.. and everything was just... comfortable.  I know that dreams are not usually literal... I'm not expecting that scene to actually happen..  in fact.. my outlook on making friends will almost assure it will never happen... but it's just creepy to have such a vivid dre...

I thought about the sites yesterday... for the first time in a long time.  I was wondering why I was even tempted to go there in the first place.  Everyone can be who they want people to think they are.. and I was buying into it.  Most people can't even use avatars of themselves... or even of people similar to themselves.. because they want to portray themselves as someone who they see is much more glamorous. Then they open up the door for comments.. but they don't want just any comments from anyone.. it becomes a game... "let's see if we can attract someone with similar interests that will see me for who I am" ....all the while they are putting out bait with just their best qualities and beautiful/handsome avatars. Some will say... I don't want people to know what I look like.. for safety issues.. that's bullcrap.. I put my real picture up showing my full body.. but I sort of lied.. I put forth my best picture... and kept it up.. even after I gained 20 lb...

My daughter comes home from school today with a new backpack.. and some disturbing news.. seems a group by the name of "Health Rocks" paid a visit to her school.. and spread news about how coca cola has crushed up insects in it.. so... I had to whip out my computer and start pulling up stuff to disprove this... but guess what.. they're partially right... it seems like many products.. including coca cola used carmine.. or carminic acid to help color their product.... this additive is made from crushed shells of a central and south american beetle... it seems coca cola no longer does this.. but in researching the product even further... I've found that many other product still uses this as an additive.. more than you would imagine.  I am no longer bothered by it being a beetle.. as this is just a taboo in western culture... for me.. if it tastes good.. I don't care what it is.. I don't see anything being unhealthy about it.. and it IS approved by FDA.. but there...

It's amazing what people can be talked into.. it's like the depiction of the angel on one shoulder.. and the devil on the other.. and it seems like all it takes is just a little influence in one direction or another.. and people falter in their decisions.  I guess it takes just being an asshole at times to get the point across on certain things... That goes against my norm.  I tried to take other's feelings into account at one time... and all that got me was being run all over.  I have decided to stick to my guns when I make a decision... whether it be a good or bad one.. then if things go south.. I still have no one to blame but myself.. no outside influence where I can point the finger at someone else.  I am trying to take responsibility for my own actions.. like an adult.  We all suffer through out temptations.. whether it be... do I eat this?  ...should I go there?  ...would doing this be a good idea?   ...we face so many decisions on a daily ...

By reading my blog lately, you would think that I'm trying desperately to get some sort of point across to someone.... I read back through some of my articles.. and it's not that I'm trying to coerce anyone into believing anything... these are my opinions.. but it's how my mind works.  I work to get things out of my head onto print so that I can not dwell on them.. and if I were to burden my friends with this constantly... well.. I kind of think they wouldn't appreciate it ...especially after awhile.  I do think about lots of things.. My mind usually has a few thoughts going on all the time.. a sense of multitasking.  I was told recently that someone was accepting certain inevitable things.. and I am hoping that maybe I had a small role to play in that.  I learned years ago.. that most people have to be told things seven times before they actually absorb it... some people have to be told more.. sometimes we repeat things to ourselves in order to learn them.. and...

I'm somewhat amazed at the rate my weight is coming off... I  am now at 191 pounds.. that's 21 pounds in less than a week... and I feel really good. I am taking vitamins and am eating some... just not a lot.  I am looking into a few videos I obtained called Extreme workout videos... I am not certain if I have the stamina for that yet.. but I'm thinking more along the lines of toning my midsection.  I do like how I'm feeling though.  I know some will say that it's not healthy for me to lose weight that quickly.. but I think my body's metabolism is actually pretty decent.. I just stopped overindulging.. and eating for the sake of eating.. I still eat.. and don't starve myself.. but I don't eat just because there is nothing else to do... or just because something sounds good to eat.  maybe I skip a meal here and there.. and I'm not doing anything radical... I did find some TrimFit water which is mainly a fiber water... it helps you to feel full.. but I...

It's very quiet here today.. my daughters headed out early with my spouse for the "Santa store" at my youngest daughter's school.  I am certain she doesn't still believe in Santa.. but I think she is going along with it... so she can get the presents and the whole Christmas effect.  I sometimes wish I was that innocent again.  I suppose the older you get.. the more experience a person gets in the disappointments of life.  I will always be honest with her..  She asked me if Santa exists.. and I explained that Christmas is a time of giving.. and Santa was the representation of the giving of gifts... so.. it's more.. "magical" than anything else... I also said that whether you wanted to believe in Santa or not.. was up to you.. but when you stop believing.. you lose a little bit of what Christmas means. I think that this is an honest answer.. even if it is only my opinion. So... I think she's going to hold on to her childhood dreams for just a littl...

Okay.. I'm blogging again... I have started a diet.  I am going to get back down to 170.. even if it kills me.  I know the easiest way to get there is to lop off an arm... or leg.. but that would defeat the purpose. I have never thought of weight as an issue for anyone.  ....but I want to feel as good as I did when I was that weight... I miss that.  Plus, I can tell that my health and stamina isn't as good as it once was.  I like the idea that I can start walking and walk for miles and miles at the drop of a hat.  I am slightly diabetic.. and I have managed to keep my blood sugar levels in check with only my diet.  At the moment, I am on no diabetic medications.. and I hope to keep it that way.  I think everyone should be happy with a target weight.. but if someone doesn't mind being larger.. more power to them.  The only issue... as I've said before.. is the health.. for anyone.  I am not losing weight for anyone but myself... but I'm h...

I realize that my posts seem to vary in nature.. I suppose that's because I have a wide range of emotions I tend to go through. I don't want to portray myself as the type of person that is mentally unstable... but sometimes it looks more and more like I might be just a tad bit off-kilter at times. I have found that most times... if I blog in the morning, I tend to be somewhat more pessimistic.  I think that's because I have just been dreaming.. and for the most part.. my dreams are not happy in nature.  I don't mean they're horrible dreams.. I just don't tend to ever wake up in a very happy mood. It seems as though my past keeps trying to catch up with me and I keep sticking my fingers in my ears and humming very loudly. I choose not to have people in my life anymore.. because they have chosen to take a path away from mine... and I don't care to have the constant reminder of my past failures staring me in the face on a daily basis... so I would rather forget...

I get to thinking sometimes that what I say.. really doesn't matter to anyone.. and then realize.. I don't care if it matters to anyone or not.. it matters to me.  I will sometimes do something that makes me think of the past.. and more often than not, I get a bit sad.  My co-worker today asked me about how things were with my mom when she was so bad off... I know it was because she is scared.. I told her about how it hit all of a sudden.. and was very aggressive.  She was diagnosed with liver cancer.. much like my mom.. and a few of her lymph nodes were removed as well as a small portion of her liver.   Now she is undergoing radiation.  I sat with her for a bit.. and told her that no matter what.. she would be okay.. because it really wasn't in our hands now.  She wanted to know about how things went... and I told her.  I didn't pull any punches.. and I could see how she was a little concerned.... and I figured I had unreasonably frightened this lady....

I am thinking that normal.. is just a myth.  No one is normal.. I don't want to be normal, myself.  I feel like my life is pretty mundane.. but I sort of like it like that.  I just went through and deleted all my old emails from anyone from the sites. I kept them for archiving purposes... just in case I wanted to go back and look at what anyone had said in the past.. but I no longer need them.. or even want them.  That part of my life is over and done.  I am finished with the superficial.. and no longer have room for anything in my life that tears me down.... and over the past three years.. nothing has torn my life and mind apart more than the sites.  I'm not innocent in the dealings I've had... but there are very few positive things that have happened as a result of being there... and the negatives far outweigh the positives. I sort of feel like I am cleaning my soul by eradicating all those PMs I had recorded... I wasn't even tempted to read through them....

Why do I do something that always leads to frustration... I say time and again.. I'm going to avoid conflict.. then there I go again.. doing the same exact things... thinking that this time it will be different. ...and those of you who know me.. might think I'm talking about relationships.. but no.. I learned my lesson well on that one.. I'm talking about one game in particular.. Chefville.. on Facebook.  I've had several issues.. and each time I contact them to get the "glitch" fixed.. only to join the masses in frustrating myself once again when I start having problems.. or noticing errors.  I really don't think I'm a masochist... I don't want life to be frustrating.  I'm back to playing World of Warcraft once again.. why?  ...because that game.. even though challenging at times.. has never frustrated me.. plus I get to kill things when I want to... I actually enjoy immersing myself into my  world away from reality.. getting away from life fo...

I don't understand a whole lot of things in life.. but the longer I live.. the more I have to ponder.  Most things don't make a whole lot of sense.  I think that the only time what people do.. or say bothers us.. is when we actually have some deep feelings for that person... whether we want to admit it or not.  If a person is a stranger.. and they act or do things.. we couldn't give a rats ass about what is going on with them.  But if we feel the need to keep up with someone.. then we want to be ...at least.. friends.. with that person.  If the actions of that person have the ability to upset us.. then we harbor much deeper feelings for them.  I am now at a point in my life.. where I keep up with a few people.. but only because they make the effort to stay in touch.  I don't require anyone in my life anymore.  It's nice to have a few people present.. but I feel like  I am at a more independent point than I have ever been. ...and I'm not even ...