Much Easier To Accept Reality.

It's amazing how things can be going along all "hunky-dory" ...then all of a sudden something happens to turn a day into a pretty shitty day... I decided to do some last minute shopping today.. and had to turn Dad to voice mail because he just kept calling and calling.. I know it says in the Bible.. honor your father and mother.. but it also says "and you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath.." Believe me there has been plenty of wrathful thoughts brought up in the 46 years I've had to spend around my dad.  Every time I go out.. he is calling.. wanting to know where I am.. when I'm going home.. and if I'm within driving distance.. he'll show up.. just to check on me... that's why I generally head in the opposite direction.  I almost dread talking to him any more... I told him weeks ago.. that  I'd check in with him when I get off work.. and he promised he wouldn't call in the afternoon.. but as soon as he said it.. I knew he was lying to me.. it wasn't 3 days.. until he started calling me again.. 30 minutes before I got off work... so.. I'm done checking in with him.. I'm done playing his game.. I'm going to try not to speak mean to him.. but he has to deal with not talking to me anymore.. not unless I have the extra time.  In any case... I do feel like coming home and punching a wall or something.. but I won't.. even though my Dad might not think it.. I actually have a bit of common sense. I just needed to unload a bit here in my blog... and get it out.. I actually have quite a bit pent up right now.. but I'm not sure exactly how I want to let it out.. and I want to think a bit about what I'm actually feeling.. I am not even sure I want to get rid of all the crap in my head.. part of it makes me still feel a bit human... Sometimes I feel like I'm losing a bit of my humanity.. I have been contemplating my life a bit.. and trying not to butt into other's lives.. because I have no business in them... One thing I think about.. is what makes someone a friend.  I am not your friend.. just because I talk to you.. just as you are not mine.. it takes time to develop a true friendship.. and at least some degree of trust.. I don't want to be mean to anyone.. but there are few people in my life that have any degree of trust.   I will try not never purposely hurt anyone.. but for me.. I have a serious problem in allowing anyone close enough to call my friend.  I have had people in my life I once considered friends.. who have moved on.. and to be perfectly honest.. I don't know how much of a friend they are now.  If I lose touch with someone.. it is sometimes difficult to just go back to being as close as I once was.   I was called by a very close former friend this morning... and I guess you could cut the tension with a knife.. I don't know if he expected things to be the same between us as it was 15 years ago.. but since that time.. a lot has changed.. and I am in a different place.. I know he might mean well.. but I have no desire to take up where we left off..  even if I could.  We all have to live with the decisions we make.. and if it takes us on a different path.. then we have to walk that path.. paths can cross.. a few times after that.. but rarely will things ever be the same.. or even close.   The same as the relationships in my life I thought I had.  Nothing doesn't ever seem to be the same.. or even close.. and the reality of it all.. is that even it wasn't as real as I thought... I told someone recently that I don't want a relationship.. it's all fantasy.. well.. I had the fantasy.. and even that is something I can't get close to again.. and I'm actually glad I can't.. it makes it much easier to accept reality.