Just Like I Am.

I have decided that I'm going to just stop talking about the future... as it seems the future.. I'm certain, will take care of itself.  All I can do is focus on the present and try to be myself.  I can't see a lot of things happening... but I've been wrong so many times.  I had always considered myself a somewhat intuitive person.. especially about people... but I found out the hard way... I don't know Jack Schitt. Therefore.. when I think about the way things are.. and the way things could have been... I am reliving a fantasy that will never happen.  I think that most people are that way... the grass is always greener on the other side... applies to almost every aspect of our lives.. our jobs.. our companions... I think that we look at people and we choose to see the best out of them.. I know that as time moves on... people have always come to a place where reality sets in.. and they no longer wanted to live in the fantasy... I think it's that way in any relationship.... after all. No one is willing to discuss all their faults... or just to throw them out there and let people see how messed up they really are... most of us aren't even aware of how screwed in the head we actually are. Some people live with hopes and dreams of the future.. but I'm old enough now to be a realist.. my future is an hour from now.. and tomorrow.. and the next day... there is no reason for me to think about next year.. nor 5 years from now.  I have witnessed a lot of deception when dealing with people... and most people are so good at it.. that they even fool themselves.. so I have to wonder.. have I been fooling myself about who I am?  I keep peeling back layers and find that one layer is similar to the last.  I don't change much in my attitude... but I try to think about only things that will keep me mentally healthy.. but that's not being realistic.  The world is full of all kinds of crap.. and avoiding the thoughts of it.. will not make it go away.. it will just delay the inevitable.  I know a lot of what I'm saying seems abstract.. but I can't really put my finger on what I'm trying to get out there.   I guess I just believe that I have unrealistic goals sometime.. I want to live in a world where I can be alone... but I seek out friendship at the same time.  I enjoy having a friend.. but I sometimes feel that maybe I might be stifling to those who choose to make me a part of their lives. I don't even think they can see it themselves.. I think  we all tend to live in the present.. and hold fantasy thoughts for the future.. My dreams have become to just be able to not live in conflict.  As far as most anything else is concerned.. all I can see all types of drama unfolding without having to much of anything.  I don't want that... I want to maintain who I am.. and always keep my cards on the table... I love being the type of person that is helpful to others.. that's why I have the job that I do.. but there comes a time when I have to ask myself if I am holding someone back... I won't be in a committed relationship with anyone.. I don't believe in them anymore.. but my friendship is a commitment of itself.. and sometimes that gets me to wondering.. what exactly is expected of me.   I have to say.. I have not always lived up to expectations of my friends in the past.. and many have moved on to a different path than I have taken... but it has always been that way.. the oldest, and closest friend I ever had died about 9 years ago.. and he was only 37. I sometimes miss him.. but I know that the friendships I have now will never quite be like that. Each relationship we have is unique.. we can't seek someone out to fill a void in our lives... because then that person becomes just a filler... I've been a filler too many times. I don't even think that most were even aware that's all I was.. until some event.. or some circumstances forced them to face reality and to comprehend that was all I was.. I always seem to think that people are all like me.. but the honest truth is .. I don't want them to be.. I want them to be their own person.. just like I am..

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