I Need A Break.

Christmas is over... it started out decently... then as the day progressed... it went downhill.  I've said it before... and I'll say it again.. it's amazing how a song... or some other trigger can cause all these emotions to come flooding through a person.... I heard the song "Christmas Shoes" by Alabama yesterday.. and I couldn't stop crying.  I miss Mom... sooooo much. It was difficult to spend all that time yesterday with my Dad and my sisters and their families... I was trying to crack jokes and make things light.. I even tried to keep busy by spending most of my time cooking..  but when the meal arrived.. and there was little else to do but eat... I started feeling the pain of not having Mom with us this Christmas.... she always got so involved in Christmas.. and the family getting together.  My brother-in-law made dad a huge reproduction of my Mom's graduation picture... I'm glad I didn't see it.. my sister said that my Dad hugged it and broke down crying.. It's just all of it.. that still rubs a raw place in my soul.  My soul has been through too much in the last year or so as it is.. and I can't help but break down every once in awhile.  I remember talking to someone about the loss... and was told you never get over it... you just learn to deal with it.  I suppose I am doing that.. I don't lose my composure nearly as often as I used to... I was almost certain that this Christmas was going to be hard to deal with.. at least at some point.. and all I can say now is... I'm glad we made it through.. and can put it behind us.  

I sorta blew my diet yesterday... I wouldn't be surprised to find out I gained 5 pounds.. in one day alone.. I need to get a handle on my eating before I let myself go.. and wipe out the progress I've made.  Hopefully if I get things out here, I won't start my emotional eating once again.  I've come to the realization that certain emotional trauma in my life causes me to eat.  I can think about certain things.. and find myself at the refrigerator door.. just looking in.. ...why?   because I can.. it's not that I'm hungry...  it's just a trigger to try to hide.. maybe a sense of hopelessness that causes me to give up on life for a short bit.. Maybe I'm trying to passively destroy myself... of course that course of action could take many years.  ...In any case, I am always disappointed in myself once I've given in to the feelings.

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday... she seemed to have a decent Christmas... and today marks the end of the string of birthdays in my family..  I am not certain how aware she is of the impending separation of her parents.. but I know she was told.  We'll talk to her more in depth as soon as we have a game plan worked out.  I love my daughters very much.. and will do everything in my power to make this as easy on them as I can.  I need a resolution in my employment situation.. and I feel it coming very soon. I can then focus on myself and getting everyone through this.  Sometimes.. I wonder why I'm doing it.. why I really care to move out and be alone.. but then... my spouse does something stupid... or very irritating.. and the reason becomes obvious.  I can't deal with the stupid crap for very much longer.. and I think that's part of the strain on me.  I don't want anyone in my life causing stress where I can't just walk away.  My whole entire being cannot handle much more stress..  I need a break.