Having My Own Space.

I wake up at my normal time this morning... for a weekend anyway.. 6 am.. so I have had plenty of sleep.  I played a bit on games.. but something just doesn't seem right today.. and I can't put my finger on it.. I have a few things to get done.. but I have all weekend.  Part of me was thinking.. why not go back to sleep and try to get a do-over.. maybe when you wake up.. all will seem right.. makes as much sense as anything else, so I'm about to head back to bed... just because I can.  I thought maybe if I blogged, I wouldn't take anything back to bed with me... and maybe things would be peaceful.

I had a conversation recently that got me to thinking.. I almost never think about sex anymore.. maybe it's because I don't talk that much about it.. and I never do it.. I never really get exposed to the sexual thoughts.. most of my entertainment consists of games... and tv shows online.. nothing erotic or sexual about that.  I don't even make the risque comments that had frequently come out of my mouth... the strangest part is.. I don't even miss it.  I don't think about it..and I don't care one bit.. I'm not blogging about it because I want to fix that.. I'm just somewhat amazed that my outlook has changed so much.  Right now.. I could never have sex again.. and I'd be okay with that.. I had an issue with psoriasis moving to a private area.. and was trying to get that cleared up.. because there was some soreness during sexual activity.. and it was just a bit red.. but now.. I don't think I'm going to worry about it.  It's not something that I can't live with in everyday ordinary life..  It has been almost 3 months since I've masturbated.. and I don't think about doing that either.  I don't suppose there is anything wrong with that.. maybe not thinking along the lines of an average male.. but it doesn't bother me.. none of this bothers me.. it just seems different.

I don't want a relationship.. I've been told that I will change my mind.. but I know what horrible outcomes come of most relationships.. and my thought patterns don't even head in that direction anymore... so.. why would I pursue a relationship... I don't .. and won't trust anyone enough to give them that much power in my life. I like being in control of myself.  My weight seems to be continuing to come off.. and I am feeling much healthier.. I actually could go out walking for awhile.. but it's a bit cold today.. I cooked 7 pounds of chicken by grilling it.. no oil.. no excess fat.. and when I get hungry.. that's what I am eating.. I like where my life is headed.  As I said in my last blog.. my future is completely uncertain.. but I honestly think my outlook on life is starting to turn optimistic.. not about relationships of course.. the day I change my attitude on that is the day I need to beat myself in the head with a 2x4 to knock some sense back into me.. but I honestly feel more empowered in my life even though nothing has been resolved yet.  Maybe it's the hope for the future.. what possible things lie in store.. I can see me moving into a decent apartment.. and just being alone for awhile.. I like that thought.  I am not saying that I will ever become a hermit.. but I know without a doubt that I'll never live with anyone if I don't have to.. ever again. Thing seem to be finally looking up in my life.. and I'm looking forward to having my own space.